Christmas

Well it's officially Christmas. Can't believe it's already here. Seems like this semester flew by, and for some reason it just hasn't been feeling like the Christmas season this year. I know that Christmas is supposed to be a joyful day, celebrating Christ's birth and all that. But, sometimes it's hard to find that joy or see it for what it is truly meant to be. This season should be full of giving and love. Although really, why just one season? Why just one month? Why just one day? Shouldn't we rejoice in what Christ did for us every day? Shouldn't we spend time with family and give out of love every day we exist? Seems to me we should, even though I know many of us don't. I'm not claiming to be perfect, I certainly don't marvel in what Christ did for me on a daily basis. But, it seems to me something needs to change. Honestly, I have no problem with kids believing in Santa, and looking forward to presents under the tree. I have no problem with the fact that kids often think of presents and trees with colorful lights when they think Christmas. I honestly doubt Christ has any opinion one way or another about letting kids believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy, and all the other wonderful characters of childhood. It's fun and exciting and it lets them be kids. I don't think Christ expects us to be any more holy, or focus on him in some special way on Christmas. I think he wants that love from us always. I think he'd like us to stop bashing people for turning Christmas into a commercial holiday and instead find a way to use that to reach people. I don't entirely know what needs to change about Christmas, I just know that the fact that depression and suicide rates rise during the Christmas season is a sign that something is seriously wrong with the atmosphere we create during the holiday seasons. It is supposed to be a day of celebrating life, not ending it.

That said, I am glad it's Christmas. I look forward to a day with my family. To be honest there wasn't anything in particular I wanted this Christmas, I'm just happy that my Aunt and Grandma whom I haven't seen in four years are here with us this year. I look forward to the joy I see on Katie and Courtney's face as they marvel that Santa came and left goodies under the tree and in the stockings. To see Courtney's face light up, and to actually sit down with my family and enjoy a warm home cooked meal.

I think that's why this year hasn't felt like Christmas. Everything's been rushed. My mom's been sick and life's been hectic. We didn't make cookies from scratch, decorating the tree was crammed between events, my mom made the happy birthday cake while we were gone when we normally do it as a family, and I didn't finish wrapping presents until last night. I think what I needed was that time where things slow down, and you just enjoy the simple things. If only I could capture the joy my older sister holds in every event life presents before her. I know she can be frustrating as heck, and it's hard having an older sister that will never be able to truly be an older sister. I feel bad, I know I don't treat her with as much love as I should sometimes, and I let my temper get the better of me. But really, she has the heart and mind of a child, and I would like to capture that for a day.

So, I welcome Christmas. I wish a joyous day to all around me. But I also pray we can learn to capture the spirit we try to create during this season, and keep it throughout the year. Better yet, I pray we wouldn't have to try so hard to create this season, that it would just be natural to us to remember, praise, give, and love.

Sorry

Sometimes I truly hate myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror and all I feel is disgust. Sometimes I wonder what the point of life is. Sometimes...I just want to feel loved. To be held while I cry.

I feel like a horrible person sometimes too. People always turn on me....so it must be me not them. I'm sorry for the person I am. I'm sorry I'm bipolar. I'm sorry I have FM. I'm sorry I'm not always the nicest person. I'm sorry I complain. I'm sorry I am so hard to be friends with. I'm sorry I'm always up and down. I'm sorry I get jealous. I'm sorry I'm who I am. I'm sorry I can't change that I'm me. I'm just...I'm sorry.

Lonely

I am struggling this year. Not so much in the emotional fashion I was last year, although the bipolar does occassionally still mess up my life. And not so much in the physical sense. I mean yes my RSD is getting worse and my FM hurts like hell. I haven't been sleeping...at night anyways. And the doctor just keeps messing with my meds which is getting old. But that's not why I'm struggling.

I'm struggling because I feel completely alone. I need support if I'm going to go through this again, and yet I don't feel that I have it. Sure I get plenty of the people saying I love you and I'm there for you...but are they really? Because I spend almost every waking minute alone. Even when I'm in my apartment my roommates and I barely talk, and that's when they're actually around to begin with.

I go to meals alone most of the time. Or I go with one of the people from the "group" but in reality that group fell apart freshman year. I go solely to keep from going alone, but in order to sit with them I have to sit with him and his group....and so even if I do sit with them I feel awkward and alone. Seems like none of my relationships are the same as last year. I don't have a group, I don't have a place I fit, I don't have a wing....so yeah I have no one.

I have two good friends, who I know without a doubt are here for me. But unfortunately one is really busy and lives off campus and the other is an hour's drive away from me.

So we go back to my problem. I am lonely. Incredibly lonely. People say they are there for me, but when I'm struggling and hurting and need someone...I have no one to be with, no one to talk to, no one to support me. I did last year in some sense...but let's face it that friendship was never really a good thing.

I need a friend. I need love. I need support. I just don't know how to go about getting those things.

struggling

As much as I don't want to admit it, I am struggling. I want to be fine, to prove to people that I am a different person. I know that if I am the person I was last year, the few friends I have left will turn on me. Believe it or not, people don't like downers. As much as I need a support group, as much as I need friends who will love and understand, I don't feel like I have anyone. Because everytime I trust I end up pushing the friend away with my so called negativity. People expect me to be fine. So that's what I'm trying to be.

But unfortunately it's not working. Guess what? I'm bipolar....and as much as I hate it, this is most likely going to be something I battle with the rest of my life. That means, if you want to be my friend, you have to be willing to be there during the ups, and the downs. I don't want to be down anymore than you want me to be, but sometimes no matter how hard I try to fight it, my mood drops and there really isn't much I can do but wait it out.

So I sit at my computer, playing my depression music and crying my eyes out. I haven't cut in over two hundred days. You'd think it'd get easier, but I still find it a constant battle not to give in every time I get down, or stressed, or in pain.

I'm tired God. I'm tired of fighting. I'm not strong enough to do this. My pain is getting worse again, my mood is crashing, I'm stressed and tired, I've had a headache every day for over a month now, and I'm just miserable. I can't handle school, I'm tired of facing my phobias, and I'm just overall tired of life. Tired of a dysfunctional family, tired of pain. TIRED. I want to let go so bad. But then I get told think about what it'll do to people. Think about family and friends. And then this part of my mind goes, screw them. Why should I have to hang on for people who walk away from me every time I get down?

You know what's funny. No one cares when you are manic. When you are in the highs people just think you are hyper and fun. In many ways it is miserable...but nobody worries and nobody cares. But god forbid you go to the other end of the spectrum, and suddenly not only do people get really concerned, but they get turned off. They don't want to be around you anymore. Just something I've noticed...and find kind of ironic. Because both ends are part of the same illness. And seriously...I am still me. That doesn't change. Rebecca is always still in here someplace. So why can't you care enough to stay around?

The Amazing Katie

It's the wonderful, the Amazing...Katie Elizabeth Schreiber in her latest performance. Our church was invited to have the kids sing at a childrens conference, so a team was put together and of course Katie was chosen as one of them. I love sharing her singing...she has a gift but more importantly she has a desire to use that gift for God

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swx3RXGSFt0

Do You?

Do you think God still loves me, even though sometimes I lay down against the cool tiles of my bedroom, close my eyes, and dream of all the ways I could leave this earth? Do you think God still loves me, despite the fact that sometimes I long for death more than I can bear? Or that I hold a pair of scissors to my wrist desperately fighting the urge to dig it into my flesh, and let the blood flow freely? Do you think God can forgive me, for wanting to return the gift of life He's given me. I wonder if he is ashamed to call me his daughter. If he sees a mistake when he looks at me. I wonder....if I can forgive me. Does the world see me as worthless, or is it just me?

Jealousy

Okay, so I admit it, I have jealousy issues. Not the best problem to have, but hey at least I admit it. You see, I have such a strong desire to be anybody other than me, and because of that I grow jealous of people who are more outgoing, more artistic, etc. For instance, sometimes I’m jealous of my sister, because she is such an amazing singer. And she’s doing things I never could…singing solos in front of hundreds of people. Or I look at the facebook photo albums of some of my friends, and see pictures of them going to social events, being involved, and actually having an amazing college experiences. I don’t have those. I’m a junior now and I haven’t done anything amazing. I haven’t gotten involved. I’ve barely even gone to social functions. I’m still a loner, who has very few friends, and even with the few friends I have I spend a pathetic amount of time alone. I’m the girl who skips meals because I’m too scared to go to the dex alone. I’m the person who sits alone at chapel and timeout because I have no one to be with. I’m the girl whose story is barely worth listening to it’s so boring. I am insignificant. We will graduate, we will move on with our lives. I won’t become anything amazing, and I’m sure no one from school will even remember me in a matter of years. I’ll just be yet another nobody who’s walked these halls.

Pretending

I pretend not to care. I pretend to be disgusted when I see couples display affection, and I try to make believe that I don’t care that I’m not going to TWIRP or that I am single. But the truth is I do care. I’m jealous of the people going to TWIRP because I want to be able to. I want to be the kind of person who would be brave enough to ask someone, and who would actually enjoy it. I’m not though. Even if I liked someone I would never have enough courage to ask, and I would be miserable at a social function like that. But I want so badly to be the kind of person that can do those things. I want to be someone who doesn’t get anxious about every little thing. And I am tired of having to plan every moment of my life, thinking about things like when to take which med and how what I do today will affect how bad I feel tomorrow. I just want to be free. And maybe I don’t really have any desire to be in relationship. Honestly I think it can just be an unnecessary stressor in college. I think it’s more I like the idea of someone loving me. I want to be special to someone. I want to be the reason someone’s day is brightened…to have someone who desires being with me. I don’t have any of those things and as much as I pretend not to care….I really do. More than anyone will ever know.

Reality

How do I know what’s real
How do I hear your voice
When can I see your arms
Reaching out to me
When I slip
When I’m falling
How do I know
Anyone will catch me
Before I meet my death

Voices

Shadows lurking
In my mind
Haunting me
In the night
Voices
Weaving lies
Hands reaching
Offering false comfort
Smiles gleaming
Taunting me as I sleep
Figures in the distance
Refuse to go away
I close my eyes
I pinch my arm
I yell
I scream
But no matter what I do
I cannot wake from this dream

Can you?

Can you hear
God whispering
reaching out his hand
gently wrapping
his arms around you
wiping away your tears
can you see the footprints
He leaves beside your path
do you feel His love
raining down on you
if you start to run
He quickens His pace
If you try to close your eyes
He wraps you in his embrace
when you try to escape God's love
He simply tries harder
to meet your Gaze

Breathe your last

Drag the blade
Across your wrist
Swallow the pills
Take a daring leap
Into the abyss
Pull the life cord
Breath your last
End this test
You’ll never pass

Actions

Have you ever really stopped
To think
About the consequences
Of your actions
Do your acts
Cause joy
People gravitating
To your light
Or do you crush
People in your path
Leave a war torn heart
Do you show
The love of God
Or are you
The reason
They do not

Sanity

My mind is foggy
a dizzying melody
twisting and turning
through the crevices of my mind
trying to focus
left no right
now up
no down
turning turning
sanity nowhere to be found

Legacy

If I were to die today
Let my last life’s breath
Flutter by
How would you remember me?
Would I leave a legacy?
Do I leave a ghost
That’s full of tears
Remorse
And crippling fears
Would I leave
A tickle of joy
Bright smiles
And warmth
Would I leave a wake of pain
People wishing
They could have changed the past
When I finally breathe my last
Will people remember
Who I was
When I was bent
Broken
Shattered on the floor
Or will they remember the person
I’m trying to become
A voice of hope in this world
Sadly I have to ask
Will you remember me at all?

Butterfly

So I haven't posted anything in awhile. Don't see the point really, it's not like anyone actually reads this. But more for me than anything else, I decided to share the poems I've written recently. It's the first time I've written anything since before my hospitalization last school year. I thought for awhile I had lost my gift, that maybe I could only write when I was in the dark place. But I'm realizing I just have to begin to learn to feed off of different emotions than I was before.


I want to be a butterfly
Break free from my cocoon
Struggling against
The weight of life
Trying to transform
But everyone keeps telling me
I will never change
While I try to gain
My wings
They mock me as I squirm
Why don’t you believe in me
Why can’t you see
Just like every caterpillar
I’m trying to break free
You can doubt me all you want
But you can’t change
Nature’s course
Regardless of what you
Think of me
I too
Shall break these chains
Spread my wings
And fly

Why do I let her have control

Why do I let one person have so much control over my emotions. She used to tell me I can't base my happiness on her...and I would tell her that I don't. But you know what...maybe I am doing that. I missed her all summer. I was anxious and excited for school to start so I could see her again. And guess what? She hasn't given me one ounce of her time. I feel like I mean nothing to her...and that really hurts.

School's Starting Soon

Well, alas summer break is coming to a close and school starts on tuesday. Tomorrow I will start moving back into the dorms. The feeling is bittersweet. Maybe I should be grateful to return to NNU, but in my personal opinion I shouldn't have to be. There shouldn't be a mental health policy to begin. But I wont get started on that again. It's a hopeless cause. I want to fight back, I know I'm being horribly mistreated. But basically I've been told that NNU is a private school, and therefore there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. They can do whatever they want to protect their precious image.

Anyways, my heart really isn't into going back to NNU. The only reason I slightly want to stay is I know I'll miss my friends. But you know, there are friends everywhere. I've started researching other schools. I don't know what'll happen, but this summer has taught me to take risks, to push myself outside my comfort zone. So I'm looking into my options. Hopefully God will show me what His plan for me is soon.

What am I supposed to do?

I just don't know where I am supposed to go from here. I want God to flash me some sort of sign...some sign so obvious even I can't miss it. I want my path to unroll before me. My heart isn't in going back to NNU...I don't feel like it is where I belong anymore. But I don't know how to go about finding another school either, and frankly I'm scared to go anywhere else. I want to know where I'm meant to be, what I'm meant to do in this life. I know I have a passion for art...I know I have a passion for helping people. But I just don't know how either of those things are going to get me a career in life. Art therapy intrigues me, but I doubt positions are easy to come by. I wish I could set aside my doubts and just put my life fully in God's hands. But I'm not someone who believes that if I fall he'll catch me. I still don't have that kind of faith.

Life after camp

Life after camp is interesting. It took me a few days to get used to being at home again. You took pleasure in simple things like a shower that actually stays warm the entire time, and not having to worry about people being noisy when you are trying to sleep. Or even having a room to myself again. Not having kids with me at every meal...not having kids around me at all.

As miserable as I may have seemed at times while at camp, I really did enjoy myself. I loved getting to be around people similar in age to me all summer. Having a reason to get up every morning was such a blessing. I was keeping active, and I was using the passion for art God has given me for good. I grew in my faith, I grew in my confidence, and really I just improved my overall being. People who know me well can hardly imagine me getting up in front of people and helping to lead songs, or teach an elective, or be in a skit. No I may not have been good at things, but the Rebecca who left for Oregon wouldn't have even tried. I learned to try. I learned to just trust that things would somehow work out. I learned I can be assertive, I can lead, I don't have to let people walk all over me. I learned I am creative, i do have a talent, and I want to work with kids someday. Honestly, I hope they'll hire me back next year.

It has been 11 days since my family had to put Annie to sleep. It still hurts. I wasn't here to say goodbye, and to top things off she died on my 20th birthday. She was a sweet dog. I feel bad because in her old age she was more annoying, and I feel like I didn't show her the affection she deserved. I had no way of knowing when I left on June 12th that it was the last time I'd ever see her. I loved her so much. We'd had her since I was four, I couldn't even really imagine life without her. She was a part of almost every memory I have. I miss her dearly.

In the wake of her death, my mom did something I never thought she'd do in a million years. She decided she wanted a cat. Now, my whole life all I've ever heard my mom say are negative things about cats. She had them growing up, as did my dad. But we never did. I asked for a cat when I was younger, as did both my sisters. But they always said no, and it was always because cats were a pain in the butt and my mom never wanted to own one. But....a day or so after Annie died, when I was still in Oregon, my mom informed me she wanted a cat. I guess there was a cat at the vets office when Annie was put to sleep. She rubbed up against my mom, and was purring and just so sweet...and it left an imprint on my mom. Thus the search for an affectionate cat began. We spent days on craigs list, we emailed many people. We visited cats at people's houses. We had our hopes raised as we were going to bring home a 17 week old calico. We were all prepared to bring her home on monday. I don't think my mom ever wanted a kitten, and I think she may have been settling a little because she was disappointed that Bella didn't work out, but nevertheless we were all excited to bring her home. And then...at the last minute after I emailed asking when we could pick her up on monday, I get an email back saying they changed their mind. So, everyone went to bed that night pretty upset. After it happened though, I began searching craigs list again. My mom was not going to be sad for long. I started going back, back before annie even died even, figuring just because the ad was old didn't mean the cat had been sold. I thought I found the one, an older, spayed, microchipped cat described as affectionate and playful. The ad said call as late as midnight, and it was only nine thirty so I called. No answer, but hopeful I left a message. I got a call the next day saying that they had to move on Friday, so they had surrendered their cat and she was currently at petsmart. She would be $50.00 which was more than we intended to pay initially, but the owners said that was what they had intended to charge for the cat and all her stuff. Well...Cheetah was an okay cat. She was affectionate, but not terribly so, and she was a bit hissy towards the other animals. But before we even got to hold Cheetah, another cat in the next cage was rubbing up against the cage, meowing, as if begging to be let out. My mom cood at the kitty, and said oh I want to hold this one. So after we gave Cheetah a go, my mom got her wish, and Jade was let out. She instantly came out of the cage, and probably less than ten minutes later was purring in my mom's arms. So...she decided this cat was the one.

So while the dreams of Zoey the kitty were lost....Jade the four year old Tabby/Calico mix fits what my mom wanted to a tee. She's so pretty, and she is soo affectionate. She'll rub against you, and you can get her purring pretty easily. She is very easy going, and just seems like she's going to be a great cat. Not only that but she is spayed, microchipped, and declawed...making her everything my mom was looking for. I'm sad I only get a little time with her before I go back to the dorms. Same thing happened freshman year. We got a new dog named missy, who bonded with me and followed me everywhere. Then...I went to college, and when I came back home for a visit a few weeks later...the dog could care less I existed and had bonded with my dad instead. I hope the cat at least remembers me when I come home.

Frustration

I am frustrated. At what I'm not entirely sure, I just know that there is this restless agitation within me, and if I don't figure out how to release it soon, I will most likely explode on someone soon. I'm already reaching my breaking point, easily snapping at people and growing angry over nothing. I'm so annoyed that I can't escape immaturity. The way I see some of the camp staff behave just makes me want to roll my eyes, or scream, or both. I just don't get why people can't grow up. Move past the silly games, be quiet when you're told.

I'm tired. Emotionally and physically. This whole thing is so much harder than I imagined it would be, and I was already imagining the worst. I just don't feel like I fit here. There are staff members here that come back year after year for whatever reason, and they are so incredibly loved. I want to be loved like that. I want to be someone at camp that people actually love seeing, but it hasn't happened yet and with my personality it most likely never will.

I'm so glad we're already halfway done. I want to go home. Home sucks, but right now I'd much rather be there than here. I'm just wanting to let go. Let go of the progress I've made, let go of hope, and just sink way down deep. Close my eyes never to be opened again. Escape this cruel thing called life. I don't know how I'll survive another weekend alone in this ghost town either.

Why?

Why?? Why do people refuse to grow up? Everyone at this camp should be mature enough to respect people's feelings, to treat people with respect. It's not necessary to stab other people in the back, it's not necessary to gossip without regard to how other people might feel. I hate how there are always cliques. No matter where you turn in life, there are always these invisible walls that stop you from entering. I know every single person has felt that way at some point in their lives. And it's not fair. I know, I know life isn't fair. Why should it be? But people can make an effort. Life doesn't have to be nearly as unfair and hurtful as it is. People create that. I know God never said life would be fair, but he never exactly said it had to be harsh either. Bad things happen. I know that more than alot of people. But, people should be lifting eachother up in that body of Christ. When we are hurting, the world, people of Christ should lift us up, not push us back down. I try my best to uplift others. I know I often fail at it. It's kind of hard to lift other people up when you are already under ground. But...idk....I do my best and I don't understand why other people can't be mature enough to do the same thing.

Camp

It is so weird being at camp this summer. It almost doesn't feel real at times, like I need to pinch myself to remind me that this isn't all just some crazy dream. I'm working at a camp. Me...pathetically shy and introverted...am doing a skit every monday, and singing and dancing to stupid camp songs every meal, sometimes even at camp fire. It's hard to believe the things I'm doing. Leading an elective the first two weeks, being in a position where I need to be authoritative.

That's been the hardest part for me. I just have a hard time feeling adeguate, feeling like I have any control over the situation. In the past three weeks of camp I've had to deal with some crazy/disrespectful kids, and there have been behavior issues I couldn't let slide. I'm getting better, I feel like each week I handle the situations better as they come up.

Every time I see a kid here, and I see the way they act, I wonder what there stories are. I know that behind each face there is a story, and I know they aren't always good ones. When people look at me, it's not like they can see the scars or the many stories behind them. I want to know people's stories. I want to use my own scars to help heal theirs, or even better...to prevent them from even happening in the first place. But I guess all I really can do is share my passion for art, and hopefully help at least some of them find a creative outlet for whatever they may be struggling with.

It is so hard to believe that the first two weeks the oldest the kids got was 12. These kids are making themselves grow up way to quickly, or at least, they are potraying themselves that way. I mean, the words I heard one of the 12 year olds using, the attitudes, they way they dress. I mean, my own sister is almost 13, I compare her to these girls and I just can't believe they are the same ages. I mean, I'm talking 12 year olds with lip rings and eyebrow peircings, tight inappropriate clothing, and dyed hair. What 12 year old needs these things? There was this one girl, who literally had a way of making every single silly camp dance look inappropriate. I don't know how she managed it. I mean she did participate in every song, but she made them look dirty. I couldn't believe this girl was my sisters age. I was never like that, Katie doesn't seem like she'll ever be. In some ways I truly feel sorry for these kids, for many of the kids in this generation that think it's a race to grow up. Because when you get to be my age, and older of course, you wish you could go back. You wish you could have cherished the bliss of childhood for just a few more years. Or at least I do.

Guess that's all I have for now. I'm sick as usual, my RSD/FM has decided it hates me, and I'm struggling to keep my chin up. I don't know where my path goes from here, I don't know if I want to go back to NNU, I just don't know anything anymore. I seem to have lost the map of life, and I'm just trying to find someplace in this world I'll finally fit. I'm tired of being the puzzle peice that has been carelessly thrust into the wrong box.

Leave for Camp today

Well I am currently at JJ's house. She's at work, so I guess it is just me and whatever sister is home. I feel really awkward. Her older sister made more of an effort to talk to me, so I feel comfortable around her already. I'm sure the younger sister is nice...but I feel like she either thinks I'm weird or doesn't like me because I don't really talk if I don't know you well. Or you know, if you make an effort to talk to me first.

It's funny. I tried all summer to start waking up at nine or earlier so I wasn't waking up at an absurd hour. But I failed often. It was impossible to wake up at eight, and I would usually press snooze so many times I'd wake up more like ten. But yesterday, I wake up before eight and can't fall back asleep. Today I set my alarm for ten. I figured it's my last day to sleep in. And I feel awkward at JJ's house when she isn't here, so I figured the later I slept in the less time I had to be here alone before I left for camp. Yet I woke up several times before nine and struggled to fall back asleep, before finally waking up just before nine. I guess it's nerves about camp combined with sleeping in a strange place. I know I'll be tired later on because of this, but oh well. I'm going to have to get used to waking up way earlier than this.

Speaking of camp, I head there today. We leave around one and it takes about a half hour to get there. I'm so nervous I feel sick. And...JJ's boyfriend Aaron is the one driving me, and I'm so uncomfortable around him. I don't talk, and I especially don't talk to boys. They just put me on edge. So not only am I dreading camp but I'm dreading the drive there.

Portland

Well it is day two here in portland, and I have no clue why I'm awake. I've been trying for weeks now to get myself to wake up by eight, and have failed miserably. Today I woke up once at five in the morning, struggled to fall back asleep for hours, finally woke up again just before eight and couldn't fall back asleep.

I'm a little creeped out. It feels like I may be in JJ's house alone right now. She is working at a church, but I was for some reason under the impression that I was going to church with the rest of the family. But I don't see anyone anywhere. So being at least somewhat alone in a strange house is a bit weird.

Yesterday we drove around downtown. JJ told me all the places she wants to take me while I'm here. Oh, and we went to this coffee house that I can't remember the name of, I'll have to ask JJ later. But it was interesting. It was more like a dessert house. The house was insanely decorated, weird things hanging from the ceiling, news clippings and fortune cookies that someone had written in bed after each fortune were under the glass of the table. I coolest/scariest part was the bathroom. It was decorated like under the sea, except more like a horror scene. There was a body in a bathtub, feet seemingly coming from the ceiling and if I remember correctly two hands coming out of the wall. I couldn't decide if it was cool or creepy, but I did jump when I noticed the fake guy in the bathtub. JJ insisted I go to the bathroom...now I know why.

Flying was interesting. I don't know that I really care to do it again. During take off I was going please God don't let me die, during flight I was on the verge of an anxiety attack at first, but eventually I calmed down and just looked out the window. I couldn't decide if the view was amazing or if I was terrified. The landing was the worse, because I started getting this horrible pain in my right ear, and I still can't hear properly out of it. JJ insists this will go away though. Her house is on a hill, so that doesn't help.

Oh speaking of her house, it is beautiful. Spacious, and all the tall trees outside the window on every side...breathtaking. We went for a long walk yesterday just so I could look at all the trees. I'll give oregon that, it is very green. But I'd rather live in my very brown Kuna and have less rain to be honest. Although it is beautiful and sunny here. According to JJ yesterday was the first dry warm day they had had. So I guess I got lucky there.

The saddest thing about being here is hearing my mom say how much Katie cried just in the one day I was gone. She cried at the airport too. She doesn't like the thought of me being gone all summer, and she really misses me already. I'm her companion at home, she's practically my best friend.

I'm still terrified about this whole job thing. I arrive at camp tomorrow. Can't decide if the idea excites or sickens me. A little of both I guess.

Heading out

Tomorrow I board a plane and head to portland. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't incredibly nervous. I've never done anything like this before. I wish i could be like some of my friends, seemingly fearless and willing to face the world. Why am I so afraid to face anything in this life? every little things scares me, and it is when this feeling overwhelms me that I begin to think there is no point in living, because I'll never be able to handle life. I hope this summer proves me wrong. I hope I have an amazing time and end up wanting to come back again. I'm just too scared right now to even see the possibility of that coming true.

I love you

Katie, I love you. Keep your chin up while I'm gone

Katie

I am so proud of my sister, she is doing things I never could. Singing in front of people, and being willing to risk being judged for something she enjoys. That's why I never used to share any of my writings, because I was afraid to be hurt. And even now, I doubt anyone reads them...and I'm not sure they are worth reading.

Katie had a performance last sunday, and she did great as usual. The only bad part was my crappy camera, and the fact that my hands shake so much that the video is really poor quality. But I thought I'd share it anyways.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DMmW3SNLSw


I also found some random videos when I was going through my camera the other day. It is the wrong season, since these are from when she was practicing for her Christmas recital. I hope you will watch and enjoy. She really is a talent worth sharing with the world. While sometimes I grow completely jealous of her because I wish I had her talent, I realize we each have our own gifts. And mine is writing. We can't have everything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EN9ZxyCE1Rs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWmhXqX0oko

The end of childhood

My younger sister is quickly approaching the years where childhood and innocence end and the complications of being a teenager begin. She is wise beyond her years, having lived through things in life that no twelve year old should. Sometimes the insights she gives me or the witty comments she makes causes me to look at her and think...is this my little sister? When did she grow up? When did she go from the little girl with curly hair who played barbies and teacher, to this wonderful preteen full of knowledge. She has the confidence I've never had. The courage to join choir at church, and sing solos in front of hundreds of people. She has the talent I wish I had. But she is also becoming more like me, which in some ways is scary. She struggles with her self-image as I always have. She gets down sometimes and doesn't understand why. She struggles to understand why our family has to go through so much. She wonders why our family can't be normal. Why our parents have to fight, why my dad has to be the way he is. She used to be his favorite, as my dad made sure we all knew. But as she grows up and begins to have her eyes open and sees what he does, she's starting to get hurt more by his words and telling him to stop. So now he says we've poisoned her against him, that she's turning into me, and he doesn't like it. I keep telling them she's becoming a teenager, she'll be 13 in august. We all went through the hormones, the mood swings, the crying over nothing. He expects her to stay innocent, to stay his little girl who clings to him even as he hurts her. But just as I did, she is growing up. Although honestly I don't really even feel much like a grown up anymore. I want to crawl into my childhood shoes and refuse to grow up. At one point the seven year gap between me and my sister seemed huge, but as she grows up, it doesn't seem so big anymore. She's become someone I truly enjoy hanging out with, someone who's antics rarely fail to make me laugh. It breaks my heart when she comes home, as she has so often lately, talking about conflicts at school. She is having typical girl drama with her friends, two of which have turned on her and are giving her hell. Ironically I never really experienced that in school. Yeah, I was the loser who was teased all the time, but I was also the loner who kept to myself and never really had friends. So I guess you can't really have drama when you have no friends. The first time I experienced the petty drama and heartache she's experiencing now was actually in college. Guess some girls just never grow out of that immaturity. They sure knew how to make my life hell. I hate that she has to face it. I hate that she has to know as much as she does about the world. It nearly breaks my heart when she turns to me and says, "Why can't we just be a loving happy family?". And I can't give her an answer, because I honestly don't know. I realize that every family has its problems, but it seems like our family is beyond repair. At least as long as my dad stays in denial. It's sad really. In Katie's short life, she nearly died, has faced emotional abuse, has watched her family fall apart, and to my shame, has watched her sister deal with major depression, anxiety, suicide attempts and cutting. I hate myself for being one more thing that causes her to lose her innocence. If I could go back...I would. Or at least I think I would. But to be honest maybe I wouldn't be the person I am today, and maybe my entire future would be drastically different, if I hadn't gone through those things. The one thing I think I'd change is ever telling anyone about my problems. Especially one friend in particular. If it weren't for her, and her feeling that she just had to tell people the few times I was really low, I wouldn't have had to deal with half I did this year.

Summer

Well, school's out and grades are in. I think I'm a bit too much of a perfectionist. I got three A's and two B's, and yet I'm disappointed. I'm thrilled I got a B in experimental design and statistical analysis, because honestly I was only expecting a C. That's the hardest class I've ever taken. And I got an A in the lab portion, which is even more amazing. But I'm disappointed in myself for getting a B+ in Social problems, because that wasn't a very hard class, and I honestly have no idea how I got a B. I was expecting an A. I did fairly well on the quizzes, and got full points on the papers. So the only things I don't know my grade on was the group project and the final paper. Since I am a relatively amazing writer (not to sound conceited or anything) I know that I had to of done well on the paper. So that leaves the group project. My group sucked. They didn't get their act together until the day before we presented. While I had my part prepared and memorized weeks in advanced, they threw it together the day before. And while I thought we pulled it off pretty well all things considering, I guess somehow it must have been low enough (since it was a huge portion of our grade) to bring my A to a high B. I guess there is nothing I can do about it, but it upsets me that all my hard work can be messed up by a stupid group projects. And that is why I hate group projects, because I always seem to get stuck with the crappy groups that can't get their act together and put everything off until the last minute.

I just want to say I am incredibly proud of myself, and with good reason. At one point, I wasn't even going to finish this semester, because everything outside of school was so chaotic. Learning to live with bipolar hasn't been easy for me. And most of the year I didn't even know I was bipolar, I just knew the antidepressants weren't working, and I was on a hellish emotional roller coaster. It get's old really fast. That is how one gets to the point where life no longer seems to have a purpose. You just want off the ride.

And yet despite all that, I pulled it off. At one point the workload seemed impossible, but I got it all done. And I didn't just squeek by either, I got grades that I should be proud of. I looked at my degree audit yesterday, and added it up. I've had 19 A's, 5 B's, and 1 C. While I'm not happy about the one C, I do realize that I've worked very hard for every one of those grades, and I have had alot of things against me.

I'm also proud of the growth I've made. I'm slowly coming out of my shell. I'm also starting to learn to believe in myself. It's hard for me to say and actually believe, but you know what, there is no shame in knowing and believing you are good at things. I'm a good writer, there is nothing wrong with admitting that. And I have an okay voice that I plan to work on, and when I do it'll be amazing. And while I may not be the world's best artist, I do like my artwork and so do alot of other people. I even have two requests for paintings (although I'm not sure when I'll get around to that). According to my friend I am a pretty good public speaker, and I articulate myself well. I also can pretty much learn anything I set my mind to. For instance, over christmas break I decided I wanted to learn to cross stitch. So I taught myself how. Then katie got a latch hook kit, and I taught her how to do that without ever having done it before. I also taught myself the basics of needlepoint. Experimental design and statistical analysis is the hardest class I've ever taken, but I still managed to learn the concepts (or at least enough to pass the quizzes). So that being said, even though I have a hard time believing it, the facts do indicate that I am smart.

I'm really nervous about this summer, having my first job and being away from my parents. But at the same time I know this could be a really amazing experience. I just hope that I'm smart enough to come up with crafts for the kids to do. I have a few so far that i like. But I still have time to brainstorm before I go away.

Okay well I'm rambling now, and I'm too distracted by the tv to actually focus. I'll blog later when I'm more focused.

Growth and the end of another school year

So I realize I haven't posted a blog in a really long time. But since this blog is more for me than anyone else since I'm sure it's rarely read, I'm not too concerned. Life has been hectic, and I'm not even going to begin to catch up on everything that's happened. Let's just say life has thrown me alot of crap, and I failed the test miserably.

I was thinking today...my life really hasn't even begun. So far I have very little to show for my life. I look at other people's blogs and pictures on facebook and I think look at them, they seem so full of life, happy, having friends and crazy adventures. I wish my life had more of that in it. I haven't really done anything crazy in my life, and I don't really have too many stories to tell. I've never been the girl surrounded by friends, and few people even know I exist. I haven't made an impact on this world, nor in anyone's life. I just kind of feel like a speck in the wind.

Someday I want to make a difference. Someday I want people to pick up a book with my name on it, and I want that book to touch their lives and truly make a difference. I think my story needs to be told. I've been through so much, and I understand the heartache that so many people share but few people are brave enough to speak of. I know the dark secrets of self harm and how the addiction takes over your life. I know all about overdosing and wanting to die. But I also know about hope. The hope I found in the little things. In new art supplies coming in the mail, play doh and each picture I completed that actually turned out good. I found hope in a conversation or hug from a friend. In each trip out to coffee and each time I made someone laugh. I found hope in each time that someone told me I was strong, or that I had really encouraged them in their own dark times. I found blessings in the friends God brought into my life this year. I find a blessing in my gifts, each time I share a poem or story with a friend and they tell me how amazing I am at writing. And though I don't believe them most days, I truly take joy in each time I'm told I'm beautiful, strong, amazing, full of love, a good singer, a good artist, an amazing writer...smart, talented, and wonderfully made. It'll take time, but I'm hopeful that one day I will believe the things other people see in me.

I look at how much I've grown this year. I held conversations with people I barely knew without having a panic attack. I gave public speeches and although it still made me nervous, I did amazing. I won first place researcher. I wrote so many amazing poems that I'm truly proud of. I came out of my shell alot, I talked with pretty much everyone on my wing, I made friends, and I started to actually believe I'm loved. I made phone calls and went into people's rooms without getting as anxious. I went on wing outings which I rarely did last year. I haven't cut in over sixty days! I opened up to people, I trusted again. I went to crowded places by myself without getting nearly as scared...heck I braved the brick house three times! I began to have just a little confidence in myself. I started letting people compliment me without arguing with them. And I made it through the year alive. I wont have any incompletes this semester, and I'll finish with pretty good grades considering all I've gone through.

It's been a very difficult year for me. But I do feel that the difficult times made me stronger. And it just makes the story I'll have to share with the world someday that much better. I may be a nobody now...but someday my name will be known.

Finally an answer?

We've been hoping and praying for months now to find out what is wrong with my mom. And well...we may have finally found our answer, but it isn't an answer I wanted to hear. Isn't an answer any of us want to hear. In my heart I'm not even sure it is the right answer. My mom...may have advanced full body Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. You know that lovely disease that took away my balance, turned my legs purple, and causes me to be in excruciating pain every day of my life? Yeah...that condition. I've had treatments and I've gotten alot better, but my mom would be where I was at when I was diagnosed all those years ago...(wow ten years ago now). Where every little touch hurts, you feel burning, aching, fiery pain all throughout your body. No matter what you do, you can't feel better. There is no cure. It is an incurable disease. Although treatment has come a long way from when I was diagnosed at age nine. When I was diagnosed, there were only two websites on the whole internet, and most doctors didn't even know what it was. Heck, most people still haven't heard of it. It is a very lonely and painful existance. She's going to start on some really powerful pain meds, and she is also going to have the same nerve block I had done three times as a kid. They help, but God is it a painful operation. You try having a catheder in your spine without complaining. It leads to all these other health problems that I have: Fibromyalgia, gastroparesis, and carpal tunnel. The root of all these problems is in an overactive immune system. I guess it could explain how much pain my mom is in, and why her arms have been turning purple. But i don't understand how it could possibly explain the slurred words, or the head feeling heavy, or the blacking out, or the vision loss. I'm just not satisfied. And if this is RSD, and she is resistant to treatment like me, then she will never get better. And our family will never be the same, and my dad will never understand what we both go through on a daily basis. I'm tired of my life falling down around me and having absolutely nothing I can do about it. You think I want my family to fall apart? It sucks. It royally sucks and there is nothing, I repeat NOTHING I can do to stop the process now that it's started. All I can do is do my best to be there for my sisters, which isn't easy when you are in college and every moment of free time is being taken up by schoolwork. Even on this so called break I have so much to do that it really isn't even a break. And since NNU's break doesn't match with the rest of the school's breaks my friends are all still in school, my college friends aren't here, and my sisters are too busy to really spend time with me. Hence I am trapped in a prison feeling alone.

Journey

Right now I am finding myself on a journey...a journey to find love, to find myself, to find love in this world. I guess most importantly I am on a journey to know who God is again. I've lost my way, fallen from the path, and sometimes to be honest it's like I'm not even sure He exists. I feel my faith getting stronger lately, and it has been a comfort. You see, I can't exactly count on my earthly father to love me, or care for me, or even be dependable, but I know I can safely count on my heavenly father. And that is so important. I just wish I could feel him more.

What I want more than anything in this world is love. To get love and to give love. To have someone who complete's my life, and who's life isn't complete without me in it. I don't have anyone like that now....I have people who my day doesn't feel complete until I see them, but those are friends, and I doubt I complete their lives. What I mean is a boy...it would be nice to be someone special to someone. But I just can't see it ever happening. I'm so shy, i get tense and nervous and don't feel safe around guys, and I'm not pretty, and I have all of these health issues to complicate everything. I mean who wants a girl who if you hug her too hard she'll cry? I wouldn't.

I wish I were pretty. Wish I were talented. Wish I knew where I belong in this world. I feel like a puzzle peice that somehow made it's way into the wrong box. And no matter how hard I search I will never find my place.

I'm really struggling with accepting that I'm bipolar. I'm struggling to get used to the constant mood swings, the roller coaster that is my life. I'm tired of watching my family fall apart before me, and having no one to comfort me in these times of trouble. I used to think I was finding someplace I belonged at school, but now I'm not so sure. I don't feel as close to the people I live with anymore. I feel like I'm failing miserably at being a student. And to be honest I feel like I could just lock myself in my room all day and work on art and write my stories and be completely content. But that doesn't exactly do anything productive towards my future. But where is my future? Do I even have a future? God...what do you want me to do in life? I don't know my path, I don't understand how someone created by you can be so plain, average, talentless. Sure I can write okay, but I'm not amazing or anything. I can draw okay, I can do stupid random swirly patterns that for some reason people like....but I'm far from amazing and never will be. And I still don't agree with any of the people who claim I can sing. I contemplated joining the one choir at school like Whitney has been pressuring me to do since we met practically, but I don't think I'm going to. I just don't feel talented. I feel plain and boring. I just want one thing...one thing about myself that I can feel good about. So far, I have failed miserably at finding it.

Facebook | Becca Schreiber

View Full Album

Facebook | Becca Schreiber

Future

I think it would be nice....if next year never came
too many unknowns
too many things I'm scared of
I don't know where I'll live
or who I'll live with
or how I'll survive without marlaina
and a wing full of girls to spend time with
i doubt anyone will ever visit me
I see me spending all my time alone
the loser as always
the invisible one


As hard as it may be to believe, I have actually been feeling alot better since I started on the bipolar meds. My mood still has swings, but they aren't going as far up or down. It's nice. I feel more confident, less anxious, more ready to face each day. I'm just having a slump the past few days for whatever reason. Still not as low as I used to go...but not exactly happy either. I can't wait to get my art stuff!! I've really gotten into it lately. I know I don't do anything amazing...but I still really find it fun, and lately it's all I want to do. Lol which isn't so good for my hw but good for my soul...for my spirit. Without the devotion I poured into my scribbles last week, I might seriously be dead right now. I know how scarily close I was to giving up. I had given up on life, decided I was going to die soon and had no future...no hope. But now...I feel a bit of hope again. Not much...but just enough to keep me fighting till I find strength again.

Fading

I'm tired of this stupid...pointless...miserable thing called life.

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear
Find a hole in a wall someplace
sleep forever
stop having to fight
this never ending battle
tired of pain
tired of abuse
tired of life

Once upon a time, I had a spark inside me. No matter how horrible things got, I always clung to hope. People told me I was strong, that they couldn't believe how amazing I was. Now...the spark is gone, only a few wisps of smoke remain. I really don't know, if I can ever rekindle the flame.

Worries

I am sadly one of those people who panics about every little thing.This year I really need to learn to hand my worries over to God, and trust that everything will work out no matter how scary or hopeless things may seem at the time. That's never been one of my best skills. I tend to constantly fret about the little things, always jumping to the worst possible outcome. Even when I pray and verbally proclaim that I am giving my worries to God...I know that I still cling to them. If I can't learn to better handle my stress I'm never going to be able to handle school or life for that matter. Right now is a very scary time. My mom has had a bunch of blood work done, and because of something they found in that bloodwork, she has been referred to a specialist next week. The thing is..this specialist is a hematologist/oncologist. We don't know why she is being sent there. I hope and pray that it is for hematology...but it could also be for oncology. Oncology is cancer in case you don't know. My mom also heard the doctors talking and they used a word that means cancerous cell. So right now it is hard not to jump to the world possible conclusion. We don't even know if she has cancer yet and already I'm imagining her losing her hair, going through chemo...maybe not living. I guess I'm a little shaken, I've had several friends lose parents in the course of the past couple years. So anytime something like this happens...I begin to think about how lost I'd be without my mom. I want everything to be fine, but I'm scared it isn't. My mom went to the emergency room tonight. She has been having this thing happen for a few weeks now where out of nowhere she gets these horrible pains in her head, and her head feels heavy and she gets real dizzy. Well I guess the pain has gotten alot worse, and now she also has this numb/cold sensation in part of her face. Tonight something was going on with her eye, and she was having a hard time even forming sentences. It was really scary. We were at a restaurant for my dad's birthday dinner when it started happening. My mom was scared and upset, and insisting she needed to go to the emergency room. My dad on the other hand...was getting frustrated. He kept saying how stupid it was for someone to spend all that money to go to the emergency room when they have doctors on their case. He kept saying four more months...that's all I ask for is four months to get my degree so I can have a job and take over the finances. Then you can afford to blow money like this. Not now. He kept making it sound like she was doing something to him...like she is chosing to have these problems or something. I could tell my mom was getting agitated. Then...my dad was like...I'm the only one in this house that can do anything and isn't falling apart...and yet I'm the one you want to kick out. Guess there still talking about the idea of a trial separation, if not full blown divorce. My dad eventually agreed to go to the emergency room...but not without alot more complaining. He just got the call a few minutes ago saying my mom is ready to be picked up. I don't know whether to say fortunately or unfortunately they didn't find anything wrong. On the one hand...I'm glad they didn't scan her brain and find something horrible. But at the same time...I'm frustrated. We want to know what is wrong with her. I guess she is just supposed to keep struggling and suffering not knowing why it is happening. They told her she should be checked out by a neurologist. So they should be home soon. My mom still isn't feeling good, other than that the morphine they gave her helped with the pain some. I'm sure my dad will be in an even worse mood now, knowing that we will now have a huge bill from the emergency room and they found nothing wrong.

A New Year

Wow, it is a new year already. Sometimes it is hard to believe how quickly the years go by. In the past year, I have taken many steps forward, but I've also taken a few steps back. It has been a year of many ups and downs, but I suppose that's just kind of how life goes. Seems that I no sooner conquer an obstacle and there's another one standing before me. It certainly get's exhausting after awhile. I'm not entirely sure how I am going to find the strength to make it through another year, but I know that somehow or another I will find the will within to carry on. I'm sitting here thinking about the fact that if I had gone through with my plan that night instead of asking for help, I wouldn't be here right now. I wouldn't have seen 2010 come, and instead of celebrating a new year, my family would be grieving as they faced their first year without me. The holidays would have been a dark time, and each year rather than feeling joy they'd be reminded of the fact that it was just another year I'd never see. It's a very sobering thought. I just made it through three days of incredibly bad depression. My mood crashed terribly, and all I could think about was how hopeless life seemed, and the fact that I wanted to die. I even spent a good portion of one day thinking about how I would go about ending my life. I am relieved to say that when I woke up this morning, I felt fine. That's how my mood seems to work. I'm either on top of the world, or I'm ten feet under. I might be able to see a doctor soon, so maybe we can finally figure out what's going on and I can get on the right meds. But the thought of my family spending the rest of their life with a member missing...I think that's enough to keep me from ever letting myself repeat the actions I took that night (before I asked for help that is). This year was quite a roller coaster ride. I let myself spiral out of control more than once, but I also found the strength to keep fighting despite all that life has thrown at me. I feel stronger than I did one year ago. For one, I can proudly say that it has been 16 days since I last cut. This time last year, I couldn't even imagine going that long. When I fell into the dark mood like I was in the last few days, I didn't even try to fight the urge. What makes this even more of an accomplishment is that I haven't self harmed at all. Before I would rationalize with myself, if it didn't bleed it didn't count. I would go months without cutting, but I was still making stratches or digging my nails into myself when I got upset. This time it truly is 16 days without self harming. Also, despite how badly I wanted to overdose and stop feeling for awhile, I made it through. I don't think I could have done that this time last year either. I'm socializing more, I've talked to the people on my wing this year more than I ever did with my wing last year. I've made an effort not to hide in my room so much, and to try and come out of my shell more. It hasn't been a drastic change really, but I can feel myself slowly making progress. I actually have days now when I feel included, and happy. For me that is amazing. I have been seeing a new counselor, and it's really helped me to start working on some of the deeper problems I am fighting. My family now knows about my problems, and I would say they are doing their best to come to terms with the things I've been fighting in secret for so long now. I may never truly be able to forget the painful things I faced this year, but I can learn to forgive myself. I'm slowly trying to see myself as my friends see me: someone who is beautiful and has so much to offer the world. Exactly one year ago I sat down and wrote in my journal, and I listed out some of my goals for the new year. They weren't specific goals like lose weight, but general things that I wanted to do to start improving my life. I said I was going to start trusting more, as my issues with trust were controlling my life. I wanted to learn to relax more, and to take time for myself. Finally, I wanted to feel pretty again. Looking back, I don't know that I really accomplished any of these. I still worry about everything. I still don't like what I see when I look in the mirror, and I still have major trust issues when it comes to relationships. But I guess what really matters is that I have been working on it. In dying and cutting my hair, I do feel pretty. I enjoyed getting compliments. I also started taking more time to get ready in the mornings, and I have to say that when I put in contacts, make-up, and a nice outfit I can't deny that I am a pretty person. I've started sharing my writing with people more, which is a huge step for me. I've taken a chance and I've worked on developing relationships with the people on my wing, when last year I had pretty much given up on people. This year will be a year of healing. I will continue to go to counseling if possible. I will do a better job of eating consistently, and taking all of my meds. I will continue to work at socializing more, so that I don't feel so alone. I will start focusing on the positives even when all around me seems dark. I know that this depression with continue to be a battle, but I will do my best to learn how to cope, so that I enjoy the times when my mood is high, and I know how to handle the times my mood crashes without feeling so suicidal. Most importantly, I want to work at developing a relationship with God. I still tend to be the person who only prays when things start to fall apart. I don't feel close to God, in fact sometimes I'm not even sure He exists. There are alot of uncertainties in the coming year. We don't know what is going to happen with my mom's health, we don't know if she'll lose her vision, and we don't know if she'll be able to keep her job now that she can no longer see well enough to drive and has a hard time seeing the machines at work. Our finances are unstable, and with all of the medical debt we've created lately, it is a very real possibility that we could go bankrupt. I don't know what's going to happen with my parent's marriage, if my mom will keep her threats to leave him or if they will resolve their differences. I don't even know what will happen with me in the next year, if I can handle the stress of school, if my health will continue to get worse, if I will learn to control my depression. With all of these unknowns, it is easy to make the future out to be a dark place, and that is when I start feeling hopeless. What I need to learn to do is to give my problems to God, and to trust that despite everything, He does have a plan for me and for my family. As my devotional today reminded me, "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". "Jeremiah 29:11. I just need to take His word as truth, and to trust that everything will work out. It may not work out how I think it should, but I know that God's plans are greater than any preconceived plan I have.

So with all of this said I have a few goals for the new year. I don't really like to call them resolutions, I think that just sets you up for failure. These are just the things that I hope to work on this year. I know that there will be steps forward, and steps back...but that's part of life.

No more cutting
read bible daily
pray daily
journal at least weekly
end each day by focusing on what went right, instead of what went wrong
learn to love myself just the way God made me