Pretending

I pretend not to care. I pretend to be disgusted when I see couples display affection, and I try to make believe that I don’t care that I’m not going to TWIRP or that I am single. But the truth is I do care. I’m jealous of the people going to TWIRP because I want to be able to. I want to be the kind of person who would be brave enough to ask someone, and who would actually enjoy it. I’m not though. Even if I liked someone I would never have enough courage to ask, and I would be miserable at a social function like that. But I want so badly to be the kind of person that can do those things. I want to be someone who doesn’t get anxious about every little thing. And I am tired of having to plan every moment of my life, thinking about things like when to take which med and how what I do today will affect how bad I feel tomorrow. I just want to be free. And maybe I don’t really have any desire to be in relationship. Honestly I think it can just be an unnecessary stressor in college. I think it’s more I like the idea of someone loving me. I want to be special to someone. I want to be the reason someone’s day is brightened…to have someone who desires being with me. I don’t have any of those things and as much as I pretend not to care….I really do. More than anyone will ever know.