Well...it's been awhile

Well....it's been quite awhile since I've posted on here. So long in fact that one...it took me a million tries to figure out my email and password combo...and two everything looks different. Weird. I guess I stopped writing for a few reasons. One being I figure really no one reads this anyways. More like a semi public diary. And second I guess I just lost motivation. I can't believe I haven't done a single entry since graduating though.

So as 2014 begins I'm left feeling a little lost. Not even sure what I want to do with my life. Where I'm going. I had planned to get into grad school...face that next step. But I didn't get accepted at the school I applied. This was a very devastating day for me. I know that to be where I want to be (and where I feel I'm supposed to be) I need to have a masters. There's just no other way. But being rejected has left me questioning everything. I have picked myself up, looked at what other local options there are, but haven't pursued anything yet.

On one hand, I love my job. On the other...I hate it. That doesn't even make sense. But there are things I truly like...and things I hate. I feel like I'm underpaid. If nothing else most other companies reimburse for mileage and mine doesn't. And doing psr (now cbr) you are using a ton of gas. You constantly have clients cancel very inconveniently last minute. You always feel nervous that something you do will piss off a parent. I'm always nervous when I have to cancel on a client despite how inconsiderate they are of me. Parents often have unrealistic expectations. Like I'm supposed to fix their child. Which when oftentimes the problems stem at home and nothing I work on is reinforced in the house I really can't. Because I do not want to work with adults I'm confined in how many hours I can get and with the cancellations my pay is very unstable. I feel like I'm no better off than I was two years ago. I'm still living at home. Still fairly dependent. This leaves me feeling like a failure much of the time. I have all these friends with jobs...their own place...married...having to be responsible and an adult and I fail at that. And as much as I often want out of this house I realistically just don't have the money yet. If I go to grad school I think I'll have to stay at home even longer because more than likely it means I'd do even less hours. I don't know how I'll do school. I'm scared. I'm scared my dream is stupid and I'll never attain it. I'm afraid that I will crack under the pressure like I did in undergrad (and this was without the added stress of work). I'm afraid to reapply at NNU even though I know that there have been people who did and got accepted the second time. Because to apply and be rejected a second time...I'm just not sure if I can handle that. So I'm at kind of a halt. I don't know. I don't want to look for other and possibly more stable jobs if I'm going to apply for grad school...because if I do the part time work is all I can likely handle. But...if I don't go to school and don't feel ready maybe it's time I find something else. Honestly if I could find a job I could live off of....and love...without grad school...I wouldn't bother with the extra stress on both my mental and physical health. But I don't know what that job is. Or if it's possible. And I know people say to pray about it...that God has a plan. But honestly I've never felt his presence or heard his voice so I'm not so sure that's  true. Let alone helpful.

Speaking on feeling like I look around me and seeing so many people seem more successful, there are a lot of friends who are married. Or at least in relationships. A couple even have kids. How did that even happen? And as it happens more and more around me I'm left wondering if it will ever happen for me. I have never even really been good at being friends with a guy...just because of stuff in my past. I get nervous and uncomfortable. But that doesn't mean I like the thought of it being just me alone forever. No ones ever noticed me. I only ever had one small relationship as a preteen that I really don't count. Nothing since. And honestly who will ever want to be with me? I'm a burden. I've been told that before. I've lost friends because of it. In certain phases of my bipolar I get why people have abandoned me. Add in the lovely health problems. Where I'm 23 but getting through each day is such a battle because of the combination of severe fatigue and chronic pain. I can't really think I'd have much to offer. I want to be a mom someday.  I can't imagine that not happening. But...with my health problems going off of all my bipolar meds sounds dangerous. And who would want the always too tired and sometimes in too much pain to even handle a hug person as a mom. I think I'd be a constant disappointment. I hate that I'm only 23 but feel so much older. That I have literally spent more than half my life fighting these illnesses. That I don't even know what it means to not be in pain...to have normal energy...to keep up with people my age. I'm also scared because I have no clue what the future will bring. If my pain over time will get worse. If I'll be less and less able to do things. If I'll ever end up in a wheelchair again. I just don't know. And after facing this many years of pain...it's pretty daunting to think about how many more are ahead of me.

I wonder a lot about my faith. I waver. I rarely go to church anymore partially because of my work schedule and partly because I don't feel like it. I like my church. I just don't feel like I belong there. I don't have friends. I don't feel connected. I go to the services and leave feeling unchanged. I try to get into worship, devotionals, to feel Him...but I just don't. And sometimes my brain fights how illogical it all seems. Even more so I continue to wonder why I've prayed for years and years...have had countless people pray over me...and not be healed. That's the hardest thing for me. The if you just had a little more faith people. Or the give it all to God people. Yeah...that's a nice thought. But maybe it's not that easy. I can't just not be anxious...or depressed...or manic...or in pain. I want to. I do. But whether I pray about it or not doesn't seem to make much difference. At least with the mandatory health care stuff I may finally be able to see a doctor again. Although I make so very little that it looks like I still fall into a gap. Don't qualify for medicaid and don't make enough to qualify for a subsidy. So I have no clue what's happening there.

Anyways...I guess that ends my ramblings. I'll try and write more often if for no other reason than it's therapeutic to me.

Today my mood is black, purple, and dark blue

Wow, this school year is going by fast, and yet at the same time incredibly slow. It has been the roughest semester I've had so far. I'm so busy with my credit load and internship that I haven't had any time for myself. And when I do, I feel guilty for wasting it. I would like to have passion for art and writing again, but so far it seems to be lost. I don't do anything for myself anymore, it's all just projects for art classes. Honestly I think taking art classes proved to be my biggest mistakes. Sure, I suppose it is good to learn and good to be challenged, but I'm not really enjoying myself. I made the decision to drop painting after talking to the teacher. And part of me regrets it. I wanted to learn to paint, I wanted to see myself become better, but life was just too overwhelming, and I wasn't enjoying myself. I think I'll leave art to the art majors, and stick to my meaningless scribbles when I do feel like doing something.

This year is really taking it's toll on me. Emotionally and physically I'm just not holding up. I'm so close to the goal, and yet so ready to just give up. That's my biggest fault. I am a quitter. Whenever life gets too hard, when ever challenges arise, I just quit. I quit painting. I quit trying. I've skipped far too many classes. I haven't done any hw for about two weeks now. My body is shutting down. And I sleep. All I want to do all day is sleep. I go to bed by nine and wake up at like eight thirty or nine every morning. I will probably sleep in even later this weekend. I also have lost interest in everything. No words come to me, no pictures, no ideas. I just, idk nothing seems to lift me up these days. So I guess it's safe to say I am in a deep depression again. The only positive is that I've grown. I'm stronger. I don't do stupid things anymore. It has been 36 days since I last cut. And I know that might not seem like much, but if you've been there, if you've ever struggled with that or any addiction, you would see how very huge that is. It's a daily fight. I would like to think I've outgrown it, that I'm stronger than that. But I still have my weaknesses, I still fall. But, so far, I've always gotten back up again. And I'm told that is what really matters.

I finally decided I needed help. Since most of my friends have abondoned me this year, I have been terribly lonely. Being stuck in the jr dorms, the way I was rejected all summer, I feel like I've been done wrong. I feel like people need to learn to give me a chance. What I hate most of all is it seems like people don't even want to acknowledge that I have changed. They just assume I'll bring them down, that I'll always have mood swings, that I'm the exact same person I was sophomore year. That's not fair. I wish people would at least give me some credit for how hard I'm trying. I made an appointment with one of the school counselors that is new this year. I have never liked the ones I've tried, and I feel like neither have done me any good. I am not better because of anything the school has done. It was all my hard work, the few friends that stuck by me, my outside of school counselor, and art. I was very apprehensive to try another counselor, but I knew I needed someone to talk to. I think we hit it off. She is a very nice person, and she even likes art. So instead of the same old boring number scale, she asked me if I were to do a picture of my mood what colors would I use. My answer: Black, dark blue, and purple. Her response was like a bruise. And perhaps that's true. Perhaps that's appropriate. The mistreatment so many people have given me, the judgement, the pain, I would say that has definately created a bruise. A deep bruise that I don't know how to heal. But all I can say is I AM TRYING. Don't assume this is a game, or that there is a simple fix. I have a mental illness. This may always be a struggle. I just hope that I'm going to find friends that will stick by me. Through the ups and the downs. Because even though I take ALOT of patience, I think I'm worth it. I think that I'm a great friend, I'm someone you can talk to, because I've been there. I want people to give me a chance. I want friends that will go along this ride with me, and love me through it. As the lyrics of my favorite song right now goes, "When you're weak I'll be strong. When you let go, I'll hold on. And when you need to cry I swear that I'll be there to dry your eyes. When you feel lost, and scared to death. Like you can't take one more step. Just take my hand together we can do it, cuz I'm gonna love you through it". I'm willing to do that for you. I just need people who will do that for me.

I guess, my hope is that this new counselor and I can make some changes. That I can get out of this depression. That my energy will come back, and I'll feel good again. In the mean time, I need patience. I need love. I need acceptance and understanding. I know I'm rough. I know that I can be incredibly mean when I'm in the midst of an episode. But at my center I really am I nice person that cares deeply for other people. After this semester I'm 13 credits away from graduation. I just pray that I can make it. But I can't do it on my own. But, no one was meant to go through life alone. Be there for me, and know that I will always be there for you.

Let's Fight Stigma

I wrote love on my wrist, to help keep me strong. Do me a favor, pick a day, any day, and write love on your arms. There is no official day, so just choose one. Do it in honor of me, and the millions of other people who struggle with depression, addictions, have attempted suicide, or known someone whose life it has taken. When people ask explain it. I can give you more info if you need it, or look up TWLOHA. Let's help erase stigma.

Humpty Dumpty

Poor humpty dumpty. No one ever could put those damn pieces back together could they? My korean roommate calls me humpty dumpty, don't ask it's a long story. I used to fight it. But you know what, maybe we aren't so unalike after all. I certainly know what it's like to be a bunch of broken pieces on the floor, and I would definately at times consider jumping off a very very very tall wall.

sigh

I am in serious need of help.

Driving and life in general

As far as I can tell, driving is nothing more than a chance to increase your risk of dying. It's dangerous, and other people are often stupid. I don't like driving, because one, I can't predict what other people will do, and two I don't know how to get anywhere. It's too much to try to figure out where I'm going and focus on the rules of driving at the same time. I am nervous, I don't even know if I'm good enough to pass the drivers test. And that's alot of money to risk losing it. Money I don't even really have. Because while I accomplished alot this summer getting enough credits to be a senior, I also didn't make any money. And since my family doesn't have money either, they expect me to pay for more stuff than usual. Which far as I can tell just means we'll both run out of money soon. Ironically Katie is the one with the most money to spare right now, because she's making a decent amount babysitting. And yet...my mom was willing to spend more than a hundred dollars on her paying for new clothes, didn't even make her pay for any of it. I don't know what else she's supposed to do with the money. Strange as this might sound to people, I actually don't want to die. And I don't want to kill anyone. Driving increased the chances of both of those. And yet, I can't get a job, I can't live if I don't drive. Not that it matters, because we can't afford insurance. So I can learn to drive, get my liscense, and then not drive for a year. Which is a problem becaus PSR work is my most likely available job after graduation, and that requires a liscense and being comfortable driving clients.

Speaking of which, have I mentioned how scary this school year is? Not being with my class, being with someone who may or may not speak english well. Facing 17 credits first semester, which might feel easy after 12 during the summer. Graduating...most likely losing contact with all my friends. Unless you count through facebook. And the real world, trying to find a place to live, a way to pay all my bills, and those lovely student loan debts. Rumor is the world will end in 2012. Frankly I'd be ok with that. Except maybe not, because I don't know if someone with as much doubt as me can be considered saved. And with as hellish as life has been, I certainly don't want to wind up spending eternity in hell. I don't know how to change my outlook though, I don't know how to feel God. And without feeling God, I know that I will never be able to easily shake my doubts.

Anyways, that's what's running through my mind right now. High anxiety levels as usual. Disappointed break is almost over. Wishing I had more time to figure out everything. Now, I guess I should get back to studying for the written test. I sure hope it's similar to the permit test, because that's what I'm prepared for.

unbreakable

Just writing to say, my blog name is a lie. I am not unbreakable. I am in fact very breakable and very much broken these days.