Well...it's been awhile

Well....it's been quite awhile since I've posted on here. So long in fact that one...it took me a million tries to figure out my email and password combo...and two everything looks different. Weird. I guess I stopped writing for a few reasons. One being I figure really no one reads this anyways. More like a semi public diary. And second I guess I just lost motivation. I can't believe I haven't done a single entry since graduating though.

So as 2014 begins I'm left feeling a little lost. Not even sure what I want to do with my life. Where I'm going. I had planned to get into grad school...face that next step. But I didn't get accepted at the school I applied. This was a very devastating day for me. I know that to be where I want to be (and where I feel I'm supposed to be) I need to have a masters. There's just no other way. But being rejected has left me questioning everything. I have picked myself up, looked at what other local options there are, but haven't pursued anything yet.

On one hand, I love my job. On the other...I hate it. That doesn't even make sense. But there are things I truly like...and things I hate. I feel like I'm underpaid. If nothing else most other companies reimburse for mileage and mine doesn't. And doing psr (now cbr) you are using a ton of gas. You constantly have clients cancel very inconveniently last minute. You always feel nervous that something you do will piss off a parent. I'm always nervous when I have to cancel on a client despite how inconsiderate they are of me. Parents often have unrealistic expectations. Like I'm supposed to fix their child. Which when oftentimes the problems stem at home and nothing I work on is reinforced in the house I really can't. Because I do not want to work with adults I'm confined in how many hours I can get and with the cancellations my pay is very unstable. I feel like I'm no better off than I was two years ago. I'm still living at home. Still fairly dependent. This leaves me feeling like a failure much of the time. I have all these friends with jobs...their own place...married...having to be responsible and an adult and I fail at that. And as much as I often want out of this house I realistically just don't have the money yet. If I go to grad school I think I'll have to stay at home even longer because more than likely it means I'd do even less hours. I don't know how I'll do school. I'm scared. I'm scared my dream is stupid and I'll never attain it. I'm afraid that I will crack under the pressure like I did in undergrad (and this was without the added stress of work). I'm afraid to reapply at NNU even though I know that there have been people who did and got accepted the second time. Because to apply and be rejected a second time...I'm just not sure if I can handle that. So I'm at kind of a halt. I don't know. I don't want to look for other and possibly more stable jobs if I'm going to apply for grad school...because if I do the part time work is all I can likely handle. But...if I don't go to school and don't feel ready maybe it's time I find something else. Honestly if I could find a job I could live off of....and love...without grad school...I wouldn't bother with the extra stress on both my mental and physical health. But I don't know what that job is. Or if it's possible. And I know people say to pray about it...that God has a plan. But honestly I've never felt his presence or heard his voice so I'm not so sure that's  true. Let alone helpful.

Speaking on feeling like I look around me and seeing so many people seem more successful, there are a lot of friends who are married. Or at least in relationships. A couple even have kids. How did that even happen? And as it happens more and more around me I'm left wondering if it will ever happen for me. I have never even really been good at being friends with a guy...just because of stuff in my past. I get nervous and uncomfortable. But that doesn't mean I like the thought of it being just me alone forever. No ones ever noticed me. I only ever had one small relationship as a preteen that I really don't count. Nothing since. And honestly who will ever want to be with me? I'm a burden. I've been told that before. I've lost friends because of it. In certain phases of my bipolar I get why people have abandoned me. Add in the lovely health problems. Where I'm 23 but getting through each day is such a battle because of the combination of severe fatigue and chronic pain. I can't really think I'd have much to offer. I want to be a mom someday.  I can't imagine that not happening. But...with my health problems going off of all my bipolar meds sounds dangerous. And who would want the always too tired and sometimes in too much pain to even handle a hug person as a mom. I think I'd be a constant disappointment. I hate that I'm only 23 but feel so much older. That I have literally spent more than half my life fighting these illnesses. That I don't even know what it means to not be in pain...to have normal energy...to keep up with people my age. I'm also scared because I have no clue what the future will bring. If my pain over time will get worse. If I'll be less and less able to do things. If I'll ever end up in a wheelchair again. I just don't know. And after facing this many years of pain...it's pretty daunting to think about how many more are ahead of me.

I wonder a lot about my faith. I waver. I rarely go to church anymore partially because of my work schedule and partly because I don't feel like it. I like my church. I just don't feel like I belong there. I don't have friends. I don't feel connected. I go to the services and leave feeling unchanged. I try to get into worship, devotionals, to feel Him...but I just don't. And sometimes my brain fights how illogical it all seems. Even more so I continue to wonder why I've prayed for years and years...have had countless people pray over me...and not be healed. That's the hardest thing for me. The if you just had a little more faith people. Or the give it all to God people. Yeah...that's a nice thought. But maybe it's not that easy. I can't just not be anxious...or depressed...or manic...or in pain. I want to. I do. But whether I pray about it or not doesn't seem to make much difference. At least with the mandatory health care stuff I may finally be able to see a doctor again. Although I make so very little that it looks like I still fall into a gap. Don't qualify for medicaid and don't make enough to qualify for a subsidy. So I have no clue what's happening there.

Anyways...I guess that ends my ramblings. I'll try and write more often if for no other reason than it's therapeutic to me.