Wow, this school year is going by fast, and yet at the same time incredibly slow. It has been the roughest semester I've had so far. I'm so busy with my credit load and internship that I haven't had any time for myself. And when I do, I feel guilty for wasting it. I would like to have passion for art and writing again, but so far it seems to be lost. I don't do anything for myself anymore, it's all just projects for art classes. Honestly I think taking art classes proved to be my biggest mistakes. Sure, I suppose it is good to learn and good to be challenged, but I'm not really enjoying myself. I made the decision to drop painting after talking to the teacher. And part of me regrets it. I wanted to learn to paint, I wanted to see myself become better, but life was just too overwhelming, and I wasn't enjoying myself. I think I'll leave art to the art majors, and stick to my meaningless scribbles when I do feel like doing something.
This year is really taking it's toll on me. Emotionally and physically I'm just not holding up. I'm so close to the goal, and yet so ready to just give up. That's my biggest fault. I am a quitter. Whenever life gets too hard, when ever challenges arise, I just quit. I quit painting. I quit trying. I've skipped far too many classes. I haven't done any hw for about two weeks now. My body is shutting down. And I sleep. All I want to do all day is sleep. I go to bed by nine and wake up at like eight thirty or nine every morning. I will probably sleep in even later this weekend. I also have lost interest in everything. No words come to me, no pictures, no ideas. I just, idk nothing seems to lift me up these days. So I guess it's safe to say I am in a deep depression again. The only positive is that I've grown. I'm stronger. I don't do stupid things anymore. It has been 36 days since I last cut. And I know that might not seem like much, but if you've been there, if you've ever struggled with that or any addiction, you would see how very huge that is. It's a daily fight. I would like to think I've outgrown it, that I'm stronger than that. But I still have my weaknesses, I still fall. But, so far, I've always gotten back up again. And I'm told that is what really matters.
I finally decided I needed help. Since most of my friends have abondoned me this year, I have been terribly lonely. Being stuck in the jr dorms, the way I was rejected all summer, I feel like I've been done wrong. I feel like people need to learn to give me a chance. What I hate most of all is it seems like people don't even want to acknowledge that I have changed. They just assume I'll bring them down, that I'll always have mood swings, that I'm the exact same person I was sophomore year. That's not fair. I wish people would at least give me some credit for how hard I'm trying. I made an appointment with one of the school counselors that is new this year. I have never liked the ones I've tried, and I feel like neither have done me any good. I am not better because of anything the school has done. It was all my hard work, the few friends that stuck by me, my outside of school counselor, and art. I was very apprehensive to try another counselor, but I knew I needed someone to talk to. I think we hit it off. She is a very nice person, and she even likes art. So instead of the same old boring number scale, she asked me if I were to do a picture of my mood what colors would I use. My answer: Black, dark blue, and purple. Her response was like a bruise. And perhaps that's true. Perhaps that's appropriate. The mistreatment so many people have given me, the judgement, the pain, I would say that has definately created a bruise. A deep bruise that I don't know how to heal. But all I can say is I AM TRYING. Don't assume this is a game, or that there is a simple fix. I have a mental illness. This may always be a struggle. I just hope that I'm going to find friends that will stick by me. Through the ups and the downs. Because even though I take ALOT of patience, I think I'm worth it. I think that I'm a great friend, I'm someone you can talk to, because I've been there. I want people to give me a chance. I want friends that will go along this ride with me, and love me through it. As the lyrics of my favorite song right now goes, "When you're weak I'll be strong. When you let go, I'll hold on. And when you need to cry I swear that I'll be there to dry your eyes. When you feel lost, and scared to death. Like you can't take one more step. Just take my hand together we can do it, cuz I'm gonna love you through it". I'm willing to do that for you. I just need people who will do that for me.
I guess, my hope is that this new counselor and I can make some changes. That I can get out of this depression. That my energy will come back, and I'll feel good again. In the mean time, I need patience. I need love. I need acceptance and understanding. I know I'm rough. I know that I can be incredibly mean when I'm in the midst of an episode. But at my center I really am I nice person that cares deeply for other people. After this semester I'm 13 credits away from graduation. I just pray that I can make it. But I can't do it on my own. But, no one was meant to go through life alone. Be there for me, and know that I will always be there for you.
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