Journey

Right now I am finding myself on a journey...a journey to find love, to find myself, to find love in this world. I guess most importantly I am on a journey to know who God is again. I've lost my way, fallen from the path, and sometimes to be honest it's like I'm not even sure He exists. I feel my faith getting stronger lately, and it has been a comfort. You see, I can't exactly count on my earthly father to love me, or care for me, or even be dependable, but I know I can safely count on my heavenly father. And that is so important. I just wish I could feel him more.

What I want more than anything in this world is love. To get love and to give love. To have someone who complete's my life, and who's life isn't complete without me in it. I don't have anyone like that now....I have people who my day doesn't feel complete until I see them, but those are friends, and I doubt I complete their lives. What I mean is a boy...it would be nice to be someone special to someone. But I just can't see it ever happening. I'm so shy, i get tense and nervous and don't feel safe around guys, and I'm not pretty, and I have all of these health issues to complicate everything. I mean who wants a girl who if you hug her too hard she'll cry? I wouldn't.

I wish I were pretty. Wish I were talented. Wish I knew where I belong in this world. I feel like a puzzle peice that somehow made it's way into the wrong box. And no matter how hard I search I will never find my place.

I'm really struggling with accepting that I'm bipolar. I'm struggling to get used to the constant mood swings, the roller coaster that is my life. I'm tired of watching my family fall apart before me, and having no one to comfort me in these times of trouble. I used to think I was finding someplace I belonged at school, but now I'm not so sure. I don't feel as close to the people I live with anymore. I feel like I'm failing miserably at being a student. And to be honest I feel like I could just lock myself in my room all day and work on art and write my stories and be completely content. But that doesn't exactly do anything productive towards my future. But where is my future? Do I even have a future? God...what do you want me to do in life? I don't know my path, I don't understand how someone created by you can be so plain, average, talentless. Sure I can write okay, but I'm not amazing or anything. I can draw okay, I can do stupid random swirly patterns that for some reason people like....but I'm far from amazing and never will be. And I still don't agree with any of the people who claim I can sing. I contemplated joining the one choir at school like Whitney has been pressuring me to do since we met practically, but I don't think I'm going to. I just don't feel talented. I feel plain and boring. I just want one thing...one thing about myself that I can feel good about. So far, I have failed miserably at finding it.