Growth and the end of another school year

So I realize I haven't posted a blog in a really long time. But since this blog is more for me than anyone else since I'm sure it's rarely read, I'm not too concerned. Life has been hectic, and I'm not even going to begin to catch up on everything that's happened. Let's just say life has thrown me alot of crap, and I failed the test miserably.

I was thinking today...my life really hasn't even begun. So far I have very little to show for my life. I look at other people's blogs and pictures on facebook and I think look at them, they seem so full of life, happy, having friends and crazy adventures. I wish my life had more of that in it. I haven't really done anything crazy in my life, and I don't really have too many stories to tell. I've never been the girl surrounded by friends, and few people even know I exist. I haven't made an impact on this world, nor in anyone's life. I just kind of feel like a speck in the wind.

Someday I want to make a difference. Someday I want people to pick up a book with my name on it, and I want that book to touch their lives and truly make a difference. I think my story needs to be told. I've been through so much, and I understand the heartache that so many people share but few people are brave enough to speak of. I know the dark secrets of self harm and how the addiction takes over your life. I know all about overdosing and wanting to die. But I also know about hope. The hope I found in the little things. In new art supplies coming in the mail, play doh and each picture I completed that actually turned out good. I found hope in a conversation or hug from a friend. In each trip out to coffee and each time I made someone laugh. I found hope in each time that someone told me I was strong, or that I had really encouraged them in their own dark times. I found blessings in the friends God brought into my life this year. I find a blessing in my gifts, each time I share a poem or story with a friend and they tell me how amazing I am at writing. And though I don't believe them most days, I truly take joy in each time I'm told I'm beautiful, strong, amazing, full of love, a good singer, a good artist, an amazing writer...smart, talented, and wonderfully made. It'll take time, but I'm hopeful that one day I will believe the things other people see in me.

I look at how much I've grown this year. I held conversations with people I barely knew without having a panic attack. I gave public speeches and although it still made me nervous, I did amazing. I won first place researcher. I wrote so many amazing poems that I'm truly proud of. I came out of my shell alot, I talked with pretty much everyone on my wing, I made friends, and I started to actually believe I'm loved. I made phone calls and went into people's rooms without getting as anxious. I went on wing outings which I rarely did last year. I haven't cut in over sixty days! I opened up to people, I trusted again. I went to crowded places by myself without getting nearly as scared...heck I braved the brick house three times! I began to have just a little confidence in myself. I started letting people compliment me without arguing with them. And I made it through the year alive. I wont have any incompletes this semester, and I'll finish with pretty good grades considering all I've gone through.

It's been a very difficult year for me. But I do feel that the difficult times made me stronger. And it just makes the story I'll have to share with the world someday that much better. I may be a nobody now...but someday my name will be known.