Lonely

I am struggling this year. Not so much in the emotional fashion I was last year, although the bipolar does occassionally still mess up my life. And not so much in the physical sense. I mean yes my RSD is getting worse and my FM hurts like hell. I haven't been sleeping...at night anyways. And the doctor just keeps messing with my meds which is getting old. But that's not why I'm struggling.

I'm struggling because I feel completely alone. I need support if I'm going to go through this again, and yet I don't feel that I have it. Sure I get plenty of the people saying I love you and I'm there for you...but are they really? Because I spend almost every waking minute alone. Even when I'm in my apartment my roommates and I barely talk, and that's when they're actually around to begin with.

I go to meals alone most of the time. Or I go with one of the people from the "group" but in reality that group fell apart freshman year. I go solely to keep from going alone, but in order to sit with them I have to sit with him and his group....and so even if I do sit with them I feel awkward and alone. Seems like none of my relationships are the same as last year. I don't have a group, I don't have a place I fit, I don't have a wing....so yeah I have no one.

I have two good friends, who I know without a doubt are here for me. But unfortunately one is really busy and lives off campus and the other is an hour's drive away from me.

So we go back to my problem. I am lonely. Incredibly lonely. People say they are there for me, but when I'm struggling and hurting and need someone...I have no one to be with, no one to talk to, no one to support me. I did last year in some sense...but let's face it that friendship was never really a good thing.

I need a friend. I need love. I need support. I just don't know how to go about getting those things.