The endless cycle of beating yourself up

Right now I am doing my best to stop beating myself up, but it's not really working. I am way too harsh on myself, and I realize this, but I guess it's a hard habit to break. It is Christmas break. Right now, I should be completely care free. I shouldn't have to stress about assignments or schedules, and when my sisters beg to spend time with me I should be able to do so without feeling guilty later. But no, here I am with a huge list of things I need to get done, and doing nothing but stressing that my time is running out. Even on Christmas I wasn't fully able to enjoy myself because I kept thinking that I had more work than I could ever get done. Thanks to my stupidity, I am the only person on Christmas break who still has to think about research and papers. I swore I was going to do better this semester, but again I let my fibromyalgia and depression win. Thanks to my selfish mistake, I haven't just punished myself, I've punished my family. I hardly get to spend time with my sisters anymore, and this was supposed to be the period of time where we could hang out and play Sims 3 for hours and just stop worrying about life. But since I was so tired all the time, and missed classes, and then let my depression spiral out of control and missed even more classes, I became too behind to pass my classes. My only real option was to take an incomplete. My teachers all understood, and told me they thought it was the best thing for me. I mean I suppose if I had really pushed myself, I might have been able to catch up and not need an incomplete, but it would have meant putting myself under so much stress that I don't think I could have coped in my current frame of mind. I know it isn't such a bad thing to take an incomplete, and I know it doesn't mean I failed, but I feel so stupid right now. Instead of a peaceful break I'm making schedules and feeling guilty for any moment I take for myself. I'm wondering how I am ever going to survive next semester with the lingering assingments that will remain from this one. Next semester I will still have to make up three tests, and there is a chance that I might wait and write my final paper for stats next semester as well, since I didn't get a chance to do the SPSS portion yet and I'm kind of at a lost at what to do. In reality, I know that I don't have to do anything during break. I could take this time to be with family, and let my health recover. But I know that if I let all of these assignments carry over into next semester, when I have a whole new crop of papers and worksheets, I might not be able to survive. I guess what I need to learn to do is first forgive myself for falling behind this semester, and then work at my own pace, and not worry so much about deadlines because in reality my deadline isn't the end of Christmas break, it's the end of the next semester. While it may mean a little extra work next semester, I know that I need this break now to get myself into a stable enough place both physically and mentally to survive another semester. I'm really just starting to think I'm not cut out for this college thing. It scares me, it stresses me out, I never have enough energy, and this is the second time I've had to take incompletes in order to survive. And then on top of all of this, the biggest thing on my mind right now is that next semester when I return to NNU, I wont have Marlaina there excited to see me, giving me a big hug, and making me feel like I am important. I'll come back to my empty room, close the door, and could probably stay in there for days without anyone even caring.

last christmas

Last Christmas together
a family torn to pieces
like the many scraps
of bright colored paper
left tattered on the floor
remnants of a happy time
now destroyed and trampled
once something beautiful
encompassing hidden treasures
now disregarded
and damaged beyond repair

Christmas

Is it really possible to be depressed on Christmas? I don't understand why I feel this way. Nothing in my life is really that bad. I mean yeah, I don't have the greatest home life, andI struggle with my health, but there are plenty of people in the world who have way worse lives, so I have no excuse to be depressed. Today was just about as perfect as you can ask for in this family. There wasn't really much fighting. We opened presents, and everyone was happy. I got the sixth season of Reba, so I now own all the seasons, and I got the first season of this show I used to love called Hope and Faith. I also got this awesome giant green googly ball, or so the label calls it. I'm sure you've seen the smaller ones, they're these balls that when you squeeze them they make this bubble. Anyways, this one is vibrant green and it's probably the size of a bowling ball. I told my mom I wanted one because when I get anxious or upset I like to do something with my hands, and they have one in the counselors office that I like to play with. I also got playdoh, which again I asked for because I enjoy playing with it and it helps me feel better when I'm stressed. So overall it was a pretty good day. I snuggled into a pile of warm blankets and watched an entire disk of Hope and Faith. I ate a delicious home cooked meal, and trust me I spend the entire year looking forward to this meal because my mom doesn't cook very often. I watched a movie snuggled on the couch with my family. Nothing is wrong. And yet here I am in my room feeling overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, and hopeless. It's this deep sorrowful feeling that eats away at you until there is nothing left. It doesn't need a reason to come, and it seems to show itself without warning. I spend so much of my life afraid. Afraid of what comes next in life, and wondering how I will ever truly find my place in this world. Every little task leaves me feeling overwhelmed and inadequate. Even now, I am worrying more about the hw I still haven't done and next semester's workload than I am concerned with enjoying Christmas with my family. I am tired of feeling this way. I want to understand why I can't just stop feeling depressed, why this has to be such a battle for me. I'm tired of getting upset or feeling like I just want to end life, and not understanding why I feel this way. I just want to be able to enjoy life without all this fear and depression. I'm just not sure how it'll ever happen.

Emotional Roller Coaster

I can't even describe the emotions I am feeling right now: dread, fear, anxiety, stress, overwhelmed, heartbroken, confused, hopeful, and nervous, just to name a few.

I am heartbroken because I had to leave all my friends at the dorms, and go home. Instead of being in the lobby watching movies with people who I truly feel love and support me, I am home where I feel empty and alone. I feel the tensions in the air of parents that don't really love eachother, I feel the sting of each insult my dad makes, I feel completely alone. When I'm here, I know that if I'm upset or overwhelmed, I have no one to turn to. And that's a scary feeling. Because as much as I know that I need to learn to stand on my own two feet, I still don't know that I trust myself. The emotions are choking me and my whole body is fighting the urge to cut, or worse, to overdose again. What makes it worse is that I know I easily could. I have all my pills again, I have knives and razors in easy access, and I have no one to hold me accountable. I never really wanted to admit to myself that this is such a strong addiction, but it is. It seems to dominate a portion of my life and that's a really scary feeling. Sometimes I feel out of control, and if it weren't for the people at school God so lovingly placed in my life, I don't know that I would be able to stop myself. So being home is bittersweet.

I guess it might seem silly to feel like I'm leaving people when school is in Nampa and I'm in Kuna, but it truly is leaving my home. Home is a place where you feel love and supported, and where you have people you care about. To use the cliche, home is where you heart is. And I truly feel like my heart is at NNU. My family...is at NNU. And even though I don't live far away from school, plenty of my friends do. So I had to say goodbye to friends knowing they would be far away and that I'd have no way of seeing them for awhile. But what makes this particular Christmas break even more heartbreaking, is that some of my friends aren't coming back. Right now, Marlaina is such an important person in my life. Maybe we lean on eachother too much, but we have this connection and we just know how to lift eachother up. Even though I know she is only an hour away and that she intends to visit, I also know that plans change and there is a very good chance that she wont be coming back to NNU, that I wont see her very often. I keep thinking of all the little things. I know I'm not supposed to, that it doesn't do any good to worry and stress about the future, but I keep thinking about how she was the main person I spent time with, and the main person I sat with at meals. I keep wondering how I am supposed to survive next semester without her. My friend Amanda isn't coming back either, and she was the other person that I would sit with and hang out with when I was lonely. I know I'm making progress and I'm getting to know people in my dorms more, but it is still really painful to think about losing my friends.

I'm also really worried about my mom. First, she just found out that she has COPD. Which I guess is pretty manageable, but it still sucks that she is having health problems. She also is having issues with her vision. I can't remember what she said it is called, but basically it is a problem with the veins in her eyes. On top of that, there is fluid pressing on the back of her eyes. At this point, the doctors say they will need to keep a close watch on it, that there is a chance it could just clear up on it's own, but there is also a chance she could become legally blind in the one eye. This is all very emotional for me, because I don't know what is going on and I hate that my mom is dealing with health problems and I am helpless to do anything about it. I'm worried because there is also something going on with her circulation. I know it's not my burden and I shouldn't worry so much, but it is incredibly hard not to.

Finally, there's the phone call I got from my mom wednesday night. She was a bit of an emotional wreck. She told me she was laying there in bed and couldn't sleep, asked me if I could talk. I told her I could, I could sense something was wrong, but I wasn't prepared for what she said next. She told me that she was laying there thinking about how much of a jerk my dad had been that day, and she couldn't help thinking, how much longer do I want this to go on? She told me she didn't think he was ever going to change, and that she thought it was time she talked to figured out what she had to do to survive on her own, to separate from him. She isn't saying they will get divorced, just that she thinks they need a trial separation. But she did say she didn't see him ever changing enough that she would want to be married to him again. She got married too young, she had never dated before my dad, and he was nice for awhile. But he thought of himself as having saved her since she grew up poor, and he never let her live that down. He says she is negative and is never happy, but she told me she is happy when she isn't with him. She just can't see things ever being any better. Now that she is dealing with her health problems, she wants a husband that will support her. If she was diagnosed with something serious, she told me she couldn't imagine dad being any support. All he does is make her feel worthless and she is tired of it. What I heard in my mom that night was a broken person, the fragile shell of the person she once was. I think I've seen this coming for years, and in fact there have been many times when I have wished for it...but hearing my mom talk about it...it was more painful than I ever could of imagined. I was in the middle of walmart with my friends, and I made it over to Marlaina, and collapsed in tears. I spent a good hour crying while my mom went spilled her guts out to me and my friends held my hands. My dad has said some horrible things over the years, and my mom told me about things I didn't know about and couldn't believe he would say. Like when she was pregnant and on bed rest because they were afraid she'd miscarry, my dad told her, "If I were you I'd freaking be doing jumping jacks, you already have one screwed up kid why would you want to bring another one into the world". I couldn't believe a husband would say something so insensitive to his wife. He is in complete denial. Whenever you say he hurt you with something you've said, he says you are being too sensitive or he denies he ever said it. My mom would like to go to therapy with him, and work out their problems, but the thing is, if you don't think you have a problem counseling doesn't do much good. So I sat on a bench in walmart crying. Then I called Whitney and cried somemore on the way home. Finally I was able to get a hug from Whitney and get my tears under control, while she did her best to calm me. She actually seemed excited, said this is a good thing, that she doesn't think it is any coincidence that my mom came to this conclusion the same day we had a very powerful prayer session.

I know in my heart, that in the end, this could be the best thing for our family, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I am hopeful this could make life better for both my mom and my sisters, but at the same time, I am scared of the road ahead. At the same time, I'm afraid that my mom will lose her will power. That she'll talk to my dad and somehow, he'll talk her out of it. And then our family will go right back to how it is now, two miserable parents who fight all the time and a mom who is being emotionally abused. I don't think I could handle that. But I can't stop thinking of all the little things. How will Katie handle this? Who will help my sisters get ready for school in the mornings? How will my mom handle the finances? Will we be able to keep our house? What if my dad stops helping me pay for school? What if he gets really mad? What if..what if...what if? That's all that is going through my head right now. My mom is going to wait until after the holidays, so even though things are really tense at my house right now, and I am on emotional overload, I have to just keep it all inside and pretend like everything is fine. I go back to school Janually 11th, I wonder if my mom will of talked to my dad by then. I wonder if she will ever actually talk to him. I wonder why I'm so freaking upset that I randomly start crying without warning. My dad treats me like crap and I hate coming home because of him, so why am I so heartbroken that my parents could be getting a divorce? To top things off, despite all of this emotion, I have to somehow focus on school work because unlike the intelligent people who are on Christmas break, I screwed up this semester so I have to get several assignments done over break in order to pass my classes. I am on this endless emotional roller coaster ride, and I can't stop beating myself up. The ride is getting old and I'm getting sick, but I can't seem to make it stop. If I can survive Christmas break without giving in to my depression...it will be a miracle.

Doctors

Last night I had the most massive anxiety attack I've had in awhile. I was completely freaking out. I wanted to cry, and I wanted to cut. Part of it was stressed induced. I knew I had two finals on Wednesday, and I hadn't studied nearly enough. It was getting close to four o clock in the morning, and I was still so stressed I couldn't fall asleep. So I was lying there in bed crying, and replaying all of these awful memories in my head. I was replaying times my dad has hurt me, and some of the things he has said over the years. I was remember all the drama that happened last year, all the people who have hurt me. I was getting mad at myself, beating myself up because here I was still awake at four in the morning, so I could have been studying for hours. But I wasn't. I knew that today I had a doctors appointment, and that I wouldn't be able to start studying until late. So I was getting really mad at myself, feeling like a complete failure. I found a staple on my desk, and I sat there in bed tears pouring down my face, clutching that tiny metal staple. I wanted to cut so bad, and I spent a good ten minutes fighting with myself. I eventually put the staple down, but only because I knew that the doctors would probably see my arms today and I didn't want to raise suspicions. Now it is almost eight o cock, I have two finals tomorrow, and I could have been studying since six. But I still haven't started. I am at that point where I am so stressed out and overwhelmed, that I just shut down and don't want to do anything anymore. So while I am hating myself for being such a loser, I still can't seem to make myself sit down and study. I'm so anxious and I just don't want to face the future anymore.

Because of my massive screw up this semester, I am going to have to take an incomplete. Which means while everyone else is relaxing over Christmas break, I will still be stressing out and trying to get assignments done. I feel like a complete failure for putting myself in this position.

Then I'm annoyed. I went to the doctor today, has seven viles of blood taken, and now have a massive bruise on my arm. All of this is pretty much for nothing, because they are still telling me that while my gastroparesis is severe, there really is nothing they can do for me. So I have some new over the counter meds to try, but other than that I have nothing to show for today's appointment. I'm so tired of going to doctors and always being told that there is nothing they can do for me. For once I'd like answers, I'd like a cure.

make up

Sometimes when I'm feeling bad about myself, I take extra time getting ready. Put on eye shadow and my new eye liner and mascara. I straighten my hair and put on one of my favorite tops. In theory this was a good practice. It meant that when I was down and upset, I could easily make myself feel just a little better about myself. But the problem is, now if I don't put on make up I feel ugly. If I don't straighten my hair, I feel like it's poofy and everyone will think I'm ugly. No matter what shirt I wear I feel fat and ugly, and it feels like I have to take time to get ready or else I'm just not good enough. I guess I'm getting to a place where I feel like just me isn't enough. I like when I get dressed up and people notice me, but I want to believe that me...just naturally how I am, is a beautiful person that people can and do notice. I'm tired of feeling invisible.

Hell Week

We are in that portion of the year when no one is getting enough sleep, everyone is getting sick from the stress, and most people have at least one breakdown. Not exactly the best environment for someone struggling with severe depression and anxiety. I get to this place where I am so stressed and overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done, that I just shut down so nothing gets done. Which in reality does absolutely nothing to help the stress so I really don't know why I do that.

All and all Hell week hasn't been going to bad. I've been consistenly getting everything on my to do list for the day done, and haven't freaked out much. Then for some reason today, I felt like I was losing my mind. First, I had a three hour final in statistics lab. It was torture, and I was about ready to run out of that class crying. Then, I had a very emotional appointment with my new counselor, in which I shared the very personal letter I had to write for hw to my dad, and we both cried. Then, I got the headache of all headaches, and came back to the dorms feeling sick and miserable. It was at that point that I realized I really hadn't eaten in two days. I do that when I get in my depressed modes, which I've been in lately. So after forcing myself to eat a little, I realized that it was after seven, and I hadn't even started on hw yet.

Thankfully, I have an amazing wing, the gals I live with are so amazing. First I had a nice chat with my friend, and then once she helped me calm down some I went into the lobby to work on hw. I took my new anxiety med, which made me feel really calm and sleepy, which was nice but also made it hard to focus. When I went into the lobby there were two other gals out there, one of which had just had a cry fest and we had a nice long chat which ended in watching a funny comedy act. With this mood lifter I was able to get my hw done, take a shower, and now I am feeling relatively calm and I think I will be able to get to bed soon. I'm not going to want to get up tomorrow morning for class, and I still don't know how I am going to get everything done, but I don't have to go home this weekend, and at least for now I feel okay.

Chapel...thinking about God

Yesterday's message at chapel contained alot of things that I really needed to hear. But I think my favorite part of the message was the idea of God as vulnerable. He put himself in the most vulnerable position by allowing us free will. Because He wants us to accept Him as father and pour our love on to him, but He gave us free will, even though He knew that meant that some of his children would reject him.

An all powerful being
vulnerable to my free will
wanting nothing more
than to hold me
surround me will His spirit
and hold my heart in His hands
I deny Him that love
putting walls around my heart
in the name of protection
when in reality all I am doing
is forming a prison for myself
sure I keep those who might hurt me
from stabbing my heart
but I also deny love
from entering my life
I stop feeling
ignore God
try to do things on my own
create a bleak existance
cry out, "where is God?"
When He is all around me
Has never left my side
I just have to be willing
to unlock the prison doors
hand Him the keys
and finally let Him
Be in control again

Seed

A seed thrown carelessly
left to fall
between the crevices
of two cement slabs
it tries to follow
natures course
drive its roots
into the ground
find nourishment
from the earth
but all it finds
is dry sand
no rich soil in which to grow
no depths of land
to establish life
oh little seed
it takes great strength
to flourish
where no seed should
to extend your leaves
reach for the sky
and see the world as good
society would see you die
nature says you should
and still you stand
brilliant and strong
embracing life
accepting your ill-fit home
and lack of care
proving to the world
that even in the darkest places
against all odds
light can be found
and you can persevere

Ghosts

Ghosts from my past
haunt me by day
at night they linger
above my bed
creep into my dreams
always one step behind me
a shadow
I can never escape
sometimes I scream
for them to go away
find a final resting place
far away from me
but these ghosts are stubborn
refuse to find a grave
the undead
the restless
never letting go
I formed them
brought them to life
created this nightmare
sustained them with my lies
and now I can't lay them to rest
I sprinkle holy water
cast them away in God's name
but still they always return
sneak into my thoughts
even on my deathbed
taking my last breath
these ghosts will follow me
until I reach heaven's gates
and God forgives me my debt
only then will the chain
between me and my past
finally rust
break
and fade into the distance

Learning to Live

Chains are growing weaker
I'm no longer such a slave
to the anxiety and fear
that has been my master
for far too many years
I'm starting a rebellion
winning the war
against myself
refusing to be controlled forever
by the demons of my past
each day I'm growing stronger
learning to stand on my own two feet
but also realizing it's okay
to embrace the support
so many people offer me
I'm beginning to understand
that even if I stumble
it doesn't mean I've failed
and reaching out
for your outstretched hand
in reality makes me strong
God strategically placed
each of you
along my lifes path
when the road grows bumpy
and darkness sets in
you are the light
upon which I'll focus my sight
I could shun people
hide away from this world
turn from the individuals
who want to help
but who am I
to refuse to open
the gifts
God has left in my life?
In reality
I am learning
not all people are bad
and family is anyone
who loves and supports you
regardless of your flaws
so I am not as alone
as I once thought I was
my family is expanding each day
slowly they're finding
their way into my heart
and this life is no longer an existance
from which I long to depart

Presents

God made me
a gift to the world
why are you so afraid
to open me?
unwrap the paper
tug on the bows
discover the treasures within
do you worry that I
might be defective
or an unwanted trinket
you'll want to return
are you scared that
once you discover
what's really within
you wont like what you find?
Isn't every present
something to be treasured
don't imperfections
give us charm?
Does any gift truly belong
trapped forever
in the desolate land
of the unwanted
the rejected
the unloved
I am begging to be opened
longing to be cherished
hoping that one day
someone will see
past my wrinkled wrapping
and tattered bow
and finally unwrap
the true me

If I die tomorrow

If I die tomorrow
who will remember me
will anything I've ever done
leave a footprint in this world
or will I be a distant memory
no one really remembers
a forgettable name
etched in stone
a grave
overgrown with weeds
nothing of me left
for someone to remember
Have I changed anyone's life
made a mark in this world
did my existance mean anything
and if it didn't
was I ever really living?
can someone truly go through life
without touching a soul
transforming a heart
etching the barriers
of someone's existance
is it really possible
to live
and die
a nobody?

Sometimes

Sometimes I feel
like a puzzle
with peices missing
a frame
left without a picture
a lock
that no key can fit
a door
that leads nowhere
a heart
without hope
a body without soul
an egg
with no yolk

flavor of life

Bent and Broken
tired of constantly choking
on the unsavory flavor of life
unbearably sour
bitter at times
rarely luxurious sweetness
on my tongue
the flavors burn
my throat begins to close
fighting to keep
it all down

He says he should leave

Daddy says he should leave
voices pierce the silence
hearts shatter
I scramble to pick up the pieces
as they fall to the floor
he says he is only staying for the kids
mom grows numb
her heart stops feeling
tears fail to fall
no emotions
no pain
just his voice as he yells
she leaves the room
i try to follow
but this person is not my mom
this beast is not my dad
she is but an empty shell of the person I once loved
and he...he is a monster I barely recognize

What was she supposed to do now?

What was she supposed to do now?
Now that all hope was gone
and nothing but the bitter taste of sorrow
clung to her lips
she had held on to hope for so long
believed that one day God would save her
but now she wasn't so sure
she had knelt by her bed each night
prayed for God's gentle hand
to sweep over her life
brush away her imperfections
mold her into something worthy of life
she was tired of the pain
that relentlessly pierced
through her body each day
tired of the exhaustion
that drowned her every hour
she wanted to believe
that God would heal her one day
but she had given up hope
if she was loved
then why did she suffer
why did her pain only get worse?
it stole her dreams
took away her ability
to glide through life
forced her to grow up
long before her time
maybe if God
had whispered to her soul
showed her
that there was purpose
to the immense burden she carried
then maybe, just maybe
hope wouldn't have died

Ocean

Sunlight trickles through the clouds
creates the soft pinks and purples of sunset
the soft sand beneath me
shimers like diamonds
waves crash against the shore
soft pillows of foam
beckon me to wade into the water
become one with the ocean
and I feel content
seagulls soar above me
their keen eyes,
search for bits of food
careless tourists left behind
its call is pitiful
shatters the serenity
i walk along the shore
leave my imprint
forever
in the cold sand
salt clings to the air
complements the scent
of sun tan oils
and life within the sea
let the scenery wash over me
listen to natures murmur
think about life's problems
search for answers
in the clouds
my soul becomes quiet
I find myself amongst the waves

Courage

A soft shade of orange
steadily grows within us
until its warmth
fills us with hope

The sun that rises each morning
reminds us that life
keeps moving forward
gives us a second chance
to believe in ourselves

A child that isn't afraid
to let a single tear
pierce the silence
forces us to listen
to the soul within

each blade of grass
emerging from the ground
the delicate petals
give beauty to our vulnerability
forces us to believe
that we can make it through

The father batteling cancer
the mother who feels pain
in every fiber of her being
but still keeps a smile
on her face
encourages her children
to keep fighting each day
take a chance
never give up
never turn their back on life

A person who feels
they have every right
to turn their back on God
leave their family in the dust
be bitter towards the world
and put walls around their heart
but still they listen
to the steady beating
of your heart
extends a hand for the world to grasp
whispers notes of love
into the night
never lets her voice fade away
keeps a soft smile on her face
never hopes for anything in return
a steady trickle of courage
that brings a soft glow
of strength to the world

climb

Icicles cling to the trees
the air becomes thin
challenges the mortal
to climb a little higher
tighten your grip on the rope
almost to the top
your breath forms clouds in the air

Footprints

Footprints left in a trail behind me
warmth fills my blood
as it rises from the sand
which stirs in the wind around me
a soft hue of red
rises to my skin
but still i keep running
along the endless sea of sand
I run from the shadows
that fall around me

Shades of Green

Shades of green
painted across a field
clings to the needles
of tall evergreens
snuggles against the delicate
twigs of a bush
runs across fields of grass
just emerging from the soil
after the chill of winter disappears
reflects an image of nature's beauty
across a canvas of water
beneath a backdrop of blue sky

Sobs in the background

Sobs were heard in the background
it penetrated her soul
and struck a note of sorrow
she didn't know where it came from
but the sound was so distinct
it made her want to cry too
first a single tear
made its way down her face
and soon a river of salty tears
flowed from her eyes
and still she knew not where
this sorrow came from
nor did she know when the sobs had stopped
all she knew was that something inside
of their heartfelt tears
had made her own world crumble

My soul is empty

My soul is empty
a resevoir in need of water
I am drained
my heart searches for answers
tries to fill the void
tears fall softly
on my pillow at night
often threaten to break free by day
my mind is weighed down
what will the future bring?
I wonder how much longer
My body will remain whole
My spiritual grounds are broken
Doubt weakens me
God can move mountains,
Why can't he move me?
My will has become tired
body weak and sore
sentenced for life
to a burden I cannot bear
something deep inside
tries to persuade me
to give in
at times its voice
is like a lullaby
lulls me in with ease
other times I fight
choose not to listen
life still hasn't defeated me
my heart will continue searching
till i find
the answers I seek
it may take years to fill the void
patch the wounds life has made
but I am prepared
I will stand up and fight
until my soul
feels complete again

Two Pictures

Tears silently glide
past the smile she has
pasted on her face
beneath the laughter and joy
heart-wrenching sobs
threaten to break free

Sorrow intermingled
with hope
anger soaked into the crevices
of a seemingly picture-perfect life

Two pictures interwoven
on the surface
a honor roll student
loving sister
best friend
dig a little deeper and find
a struggling pupil
tired of her siblings
afraid of her father
mad at her mom
both pictures struggling
to fit within the confines
of a single square frame

Nails become loose
glass shatters
and only one picture
can remain in tact
the only question is
which one will it be

Waiting

She's tired of the memories
that flood her dreams each night
she's tired of the pain that is her life
tears slowly find their way
down her cheeks each day
but still she paints a smile on her face
if you ask her how she is
she will usually say I'm fine
although her heart is broken into pieces on the floor
her life is tearing at the seams
nothing feels right anymore
in her heart she's screaming
for someone to hear her cry
she wants them to look at her
and see right through her lies
she's waiting for the day
someone will come and rescue her
with words that every human heart must hear
she's waiting for someone to love
she's waiting for a miracle to change her heart
but most of all
she's waiting to belong

Torn

Two desires
forced into one body
the seams become worn
threads snap
tears fall
one half is grateful
wants to embrace
the people
who helped her along the way
the other half is scared
angry at the world
unsure of what comes next
timid to face it
reluctant to let go
one half wants a hug
the other wants to hide away
one half wants to give in
the other is strong
fierce
ready to fight
part wants to cry
another is numb
pull one way
tug another
the fabric is torn

Snug Inside Myself

I tried to be myself
but no one liked my style
so i thought for a day I'd be you
slowly I tried
to put myself in your shoe
but the fit was never quite right
I straightened my hair
borrowed your clothes
tried to force myself
into some semblance of you
cool
poised
popular for a day
but my hair wouldn't form
and the clothes were too tight
i couldn't find myself
within you
my parents
my friends
my idols on tv
I tried to be
who I wasn't meant to be
then oneday I thought
maybe me was enough
perhaps I will fit
snug inside myself
the clothes fit just right
my shoes formed to me
and I realized I'm best
when I'm simply me

Flicker

Suddenly
a flicker
pierces through the darkness
small at first
a steady warmth
beckoning me forward
slowly
it grows
the closer I get
the more I feel
hope
for the future
love
in my heart
peace
in my soul

Tomorrow

Long ago
I was told
someday things will be better
one day you'll be happy
tomorrow there'll be sun
and you will again find joy
I shook my head
"It'll never be"
this happiness is lost to me
I reach
but can never quite grasp
tomorrow slips away
it remains always
in the distance
Then I learned
today is all we ever have
so reaching for
tomorrow's happiness
will never really work
all we can do
all I can do
is reach for
the fluttering joys of today

Change

Trickles of tears
turn to laughter
sorrow and fears
turn to smiles
anquish and anger
slowly morph
to a joy
I cannot contain
tensions ease
grins break free
this newfound peace
has taken up residency

Who Am I?

Who am I
Brave
or Frightened
strong
or weak
Good
or evil
Am I worthy of
your love?
Do I deserve
to be happy?
Or am I
meant to spend eternity
in this dreary place of darkness
where hope runs away
and life seems pointless
fears overwhelm
and hearts seem empty
hallow eyes
and shallow words
half felt "I Love You's"
Friends who say
"Always"
but actually
mean "never"
parents who
feign support
but pull it away
when i need it most
schools that say
"Christlike"
but shove away
the needy
shut up the hurting
abandon the desperate
Where am I to go?
to find peace
to find love
up
down
I look to one side
then the other
but everything
is dark
all I see
is fog
no comfort
no peace
no place for me
anywhere

My heart is torn

My heart is torn
my mind mixed
stay or leave
fight or flight
weak or strong
sane or crazy
where is my life's path
show my worth
press forward
be victorious
or shrivel in fear
die slowly
run away
stop trying
hide away
disappear
two forces fighting
both wills within me
struggling to break free

Frayed and Broken

A Poem by Rebecca Schreiber
Just a note..this was written last week when I was really depressed, it's how I get things out, I am in no way suicidal

Frayed
and
Broken
My soul cries out
but your ears
cannot hear my plead
my life's blood flowing
spilling
onto the floor
You step around the pieces
you leave me in my pain
fail to even notice
my heart shatter
my world crash
my soul break
my life splinter

Love

Love
Love
It rains down
friends
family
strangers
but I cannot feel it
the ground is wet
my clothes are soaked
and yet I cannnot absorb it
my body remains dry
my heart empty

Downward

A Poem by Me

Downward
Downward
I am sinking
falling
slipping from the stool of life
my eyes grow heavy
my heart grows weak
my will power
is beaten out of me

Cloak of Guilt

A Poem by Rebecca Schreiber

Guilt covers me
a cloak of regrets
while my faith shatters
friendships falter
and joys fade
this cloak of guilt
stays in tact
doesn't tatter
doesn't tear
it is always
always there

Slipping Away

Slipping Away
peice by peice
slowly I'm torn apart
my heart over here
my strength over there
a constant
tug a war

Rescue

A Poem By Rebecca Schreiber

My eyes are heavy
My body aches
Crumbeling under
the pressures of this world
I walk my last step
I take my last breath
I cannot make it anymore
In need of life support
of a rescuing breath
to lift me from the abyss
and set me on higher grounds
of hope
strength
and the will-power
to survive another day

My Sister: Forever Child

So I have a secret. Well not a secret really, just something I think about from time to time that I'm actually relatively ashamed to admit. Sometimes, I become overwhelmingly jealous of my older sister, and I know that's wrong. My older sister, who is 23 but mentally is stuck at eight. She likes to play teacher and push a plastic bus around the floor to pick up students at bus stops strewn across the house. When her emotions become too much she throws full blown tantrums, sometimes saying horrible things but never being reprimanded cuz my parents have learned it's better to just let her be. I know I should be grateful for my normal mind, for my ability to do all the things she never will: Go to college, get a job, learn to drive, maybe even fall in love and have a family someday. I know she thinks about those things some in her limited ability. Since we were little she's talked about growing up and having kids. When she was mad at me she'd always tell me how I wouldn't be allowed to visit her kids when I grew up. Truth is though, sometimes I think I'd switch with her in a heartbeat. I'm insanely scared of the future. I have no passion, no sense of direction. I don't want to face the future to be honest. I don't want to live, but I don't want to die. I just want to disappear, be stuck in limbo someplace. I'm too afraid of growing up, I'm too afraid of everything. It is at these times when I look at Courtney and feel this pang of jealousy. Because she doesn't have to grow up. She'll never have a job, or stress about studying for finals and writing papers. She'll never dread the future the way I do. She doesn't know heartbreak, and as far as I know she doesn't understand my father's abuse or the deep scars it's left me with. She doesn't understand that I cry myself to sleep almost every night, haunted by memories I can't seem to erase. She doesn't know I swallow pills just to go someplace else for awhile, away from my life. She only knows the simple things, her mentality is that of a 5-8 year old depending on the concept. My sister, who smiles when I come home like it's Christmas morning, telling me how fun it is and how happy she is that I'm home when in reality all I do is lock myself in my room and do hw. In truth I don't deserve such a loving sister. I'm a horrible sister. I lose my temper, grow irritated at her non stop questions, call her names, push her away. I was home an entire summer, and all she wanted was for me to play with her, a simple card came would suffice. To be honest, I didn't really fulfill my promise to spend a day just with her until the weekend before I came back to the dorms. Sure, I did little things to make her smile, bring her a book, watch a movie, make her a parfait. Such simple acts and what you get from her is how you are the greatest sister in all the world. She see's the wonder in the world I lost long ago. In clouds shaped like animals, in passing a familiar building, or in the joy of being allowed to get the mail. The highlights of her life are getting to sit next to me when we go out to eat, a trip to the park, feeding the fish. Each act so simple and meaningless to me, and she acts like it's the best thing in the world. Sure, she drives me crazy, she throws tantrums, tells me she hates me when she's mad, but in the end, I honestly wish I had her life. To see the wonder in the little things. To grin from ear to ear and laugh hysterically at corny jokes. To never grow up, at least not mentally. To never know real stress, never work, never have to do anything. To always be taken care of, meals made, hair brushed, clothes picked out. To never lose the joy of barbie dolls and school buses. Even as I say it I'm ashamed that I long her life over mine, that I'm really that shallow. But when you think about it, I'm not the only one who fears growing up, or who has been heartbroken, beaten, depressed, and void of hope. I'm not the only one to curl up in bed and long to go back to childhood. I'm not the only one wishing I could be always taken care of. When you think about it....I think we all want peices of her life. If nothing else, to keep that sparkle of our childhood.

Stuffy Nose

As unbelievable as it really is to me, I am sick again. Actually out of the times I've been sick so far this year, this one has been the worse. Not only did I fight a fever for two days non stop, but the fever keeps coming back unexpectedly just when I think I'm getting better. My head has decided it hates me, and I think by now I've coughed up more than just my lungs. What's kind of funny, is that out of all the things I hate about being sick, from body aches to sore throat, the one thing I hate more than anything is a stuffy nose. It drives me absolutely crazy. I guess it's true what they say, that you never know what you have until it's gone, and that sometimes you have to lose something to really understand how important it was. I will be the first to tell you, being able to breathe through your nose is very important. You do it all day, and to be honest you never really think about just how vital it is to your sanity, to your ability to function normally. That is, until you get a nasty cold, that blocks up your poor little nose. I swear, I could breath in as hard as I can through my nose...and get absolutely no air through. It's miserable. I have to say, the most entertaining aspect of a stuffy nose is that you can litterally feel like you are suffocating when trying to eat a meal. You can't breathe through your mouth and eat at the same time, so you are left making quite a fool of yourself taking little gasps of air in between bites. Not exactly the statement I wanted to make.

I went to Shari's today. My dad was having a good taste buds day (long story, but half the time he can't smell or taste anything) so he wanted to go out to eat. Even though I felt miserable, I couldn't accept them going out and me just laying in bed, so I opted to go. I'm sure the tables around us were wondering what parent's had the nerve to take someone this sick in public, but I enjoyed being out of my room for the first time all weekend. I had stuffed hashbrowns, and pretty much nothing makes me happier than stuffed hashbrowns at Shari's. So aside from the whole gasping for air while trying to eat thing, I was glad I went.

When I got home I took a well deserved hot bath. I've been craving one all week, filling the tub with hot water, grabbing a book, and just soaking my achy muscles was so nice. I don't get that luxury much anymore, as there are no tubs at the dorms. Although even if there were tubs at the dorm, I think I'd avoid a public tub. It was while in the tub that I realized just how sick I really am. I kept wanting to get up, knowing it was late, knowing I needed to get on with my shower, but I was so tired and weak I couldn't bring myself to get up. So of course I stayed in the tub till I was a prune and the water was cold. I thought about how easily I could fall asleep in the tub, and then thought about how bad that could end. Long story short I made it out of the tub, watched an episode of SVU, and now I think the cough syrup with codeine is finally kicking in, so I can sleep. Tomorrow I go to the acupuncture again, let's see if I can leave with a few less bruises this time.

Gloomy Days

I'm definately not enjoying the gloomy weather lately, which probably isn't a good thing considering we have a long gloomy winter ahead. If the weather continues to reflect my mood, you are looking at a lifetime of dark skies and thunder storms. Too much is going on right now, I can't really think of anything creative to say. I should try to sit down and write some poems soon, because I haven't really been creative in awhile. I've been too tired to be creative. My FM is really getting me down lately, which I'm kind of ashamed to admit because I don't like to let my FM win. But it's been hard to be positive lately. I have a group of friends falling apart because of some stupid boy. I guess that's a tale that's been told a million times. I just can't afford to lose friends right now. My heart's already fractured, the strain of this could break me completely. They don't offer casts for a broken heart either, so I'm not really sure how it's supposed to heal. You can't keep your heart on bed rest...you can't stop yourself from feeling. You can try. Lord knows I have. Pills and dreams of death are not unknown to me. I haven't sunk that low yet, but I can feel myself struggling against a downward current. To top off my wonderful mood, I am still feeling sick. I'm afraid that the fall out is coming, and when it does it will be ugly. So you've been warned. If you want happy and cheery I suggest you stay away from me. Which I wouldn't blame you for, everyone leaves me eventually. I'm too much to handle. "A Burden" as I've been called.

On the positive side I have an addiction to SVU lately. I've always liked the show, and now that I can watch all the seasons on netflix, I've been averaging two or three episodes a day. Which isn't so good for my school life, but I enjoy it anyways. I also have my new Ellen Hopkins book...which so far is amazing as usual. So between the two maybe I can keep from breaking for a little while.

Shoes

I'm actually a very simple person, I don't think my needs are all that out of the ordinary, and I don't think I'm all that hard to please. I'm the person who when one person from my wing takes the time to say hi and ask how I am, I feel on top of the world.

What I want right now shouldn't be so hard to satifsy, but thanks the my medical issues, a simple want characteristic of most girls becomes an impossibility. What want is this? Shoes. But not just any shoes, I want cute shoes. You know the kind that make people you don't even know stop and ask you where you got them. Once upon a time this was a fairly easy feat. I would find a shoe I liked that fit, and if I had money, buy them. More recently however my trips to the mall to try to find a cute pair of shoes to replace the Vans the finally bit the dust has just left me feeling depressed and dejected.

See...due to my oh so lovely RSD, I have slightly deformed legs. No one can really notice, but due to the muscle atrophy that occured when my RSD was at it's worse, my feet turn in, my legs slightly turn in, and my one ankle rolls funny. Add the fact that I have no arches, and you get a very unpleasant situation. In fact the changes to my legs and the fact that my ankle rolls funny is probably a major part of the reason my pain is so bad, and why after just a few minutes of standing the pain becomes unbearable and I'm desperate to sit down again. So my senior year, a nice doctor made custom inserts for my shoes. They form the arch I'm missing, and are molded exactly to my feet. The most important function of these inserts however is that they help to hold my ankle at the right position..so it doesn't roll. I love my inserts, because since I've had them I have been able to walk for longer and not feel pain as quickly. So I'm not really complaining. It's just that...these inserts also severly limit the shoes I can where. The first and most important rule is that the inserts that are already in a pair of shoes have to be able to come out. This is where the problem comes in. Most shoes...the inserts are glued down. The reason we bought the cute pair of vans I loved my senior year was because the inserts came out, it was a perfect fit even with my inserts. So logically when it came time to buy new shoes this year because those shoes are officially falling apart, I thought I'd find another cute pair of vans.

This is where the dejection came in. Every pair of shoes I found in that whole entire store had inserts that were glued down. Even the Vans...which the know it all store person told me Vans always have them glued down, to which I rolled my eyes because I have a pair of Vans at home where it isn't. I know it's petty, but it's just one more piece of normalacy in my life taken away because of my stupid condition. It wasn't until we got to the athletic shoes that all the inserts could come out. And nothing against those shoes, it's just they were all so plain and boring. I want cute shoes. I see so many and I get a brief moment of hope as I pick them up, but again and again they wont work. Even if I get lucky enough to find a cute pair of shoes where the inserts come out, I still have the dilimna of if the shoe isn't deep enough, they wont fit my foot with the inserts in.

I guess it's a stupid thing to complain about. People have far worse problems...heck I have far worse problems. It's just...I want so badly to be normal. I know that you will say there is no normal, but there is. Just ask Ms. Webb at Kuna High...we did a whole section on what is normal. I can tell you that normal isn't RSD, it isn't Fibromyalgia. It isn't waking up every morning in pain. It isn't hurting non stop. It isn't chronic fatigue and fibro fog that effects my cognitive abilities. It isn't always having to think, if I do this now, how much will it hurt me later....will I be able to walk later? It isn't that dejected feeling you get when you wake up and realize you literally cannot walk...without a cane which I refuse to use (actually when we moved I got rid of the crutches, the canes, the wheel chair.....I REFUSE to use them ever again). So I crave the little things that are normal...like being a girl, walking around the mall...finding cute shoes. Instead what I get is shoes that don't work with my arch supports, and unbearable pain from walking around the mall. On that note, if you ever find a brand of really cute shoes that the inserts actually come out of...please let me know. I'd love you forever and ever.

Longing for love

I was walking across campus today, heading to my six-o-clock class. I hadn't eaten much all day: some coffee, a handful of swedish fish, and a few miniscule peices of meat from the stir fry at lunch. Hunger knawed at me, and I felt a bit lightheaded. As I walked in this hunger-struck daze, I was looking around, taking in everything I saw, when suddenly I realized that everywhere I looked there were couples. Hugging, holding hands, even sneaking a kiss or two before class. As I watched one couple in particular (in a totally non-creepy way) the emptiness in my stomach instead became an emptiness in my heart, and I began to think, why not me? Don't I deserve someone to love me? To truly love me, despite my flaws (and trust me there are plenty), despite my deep scars and unstable health. Someone to hold hands with as I walk across campus, someone who cares about what I have to say and longs for just one more kiss.

Some people would probably be surprised to hear me talk like that. For the most part, all I show is indifference to romance, and I usually utter a childish ew when couples act all lovey-dovey in front of me. But at the same time, it isn't surprising at all. Every living things needs love. Me? I crave it. To finally have someone truly love me would be the most amazing thing ever. No, i'm not saying I don't have people who love me now, I know if I said that I'd have lots of friends objecting, but the truth is, I don't think I've ever really known real love. I want it, I need it, but somehow I always come up empty. Friends, they are few and far between. It seems that everytime I put down my walls, let someone in, truly be myself around someone...I lose them. Either they suddenly stop hanging out with me as several of my friends from last year have...or else they do something to hurt me. The deepest hurt I've ever felt has been caused by friends I loved. Guess that's my fault though, I'm the flawed one. Other friends, they just get sick of me. They can't handle me anymore, my pain, my past, my problems. I become the burden. Just a few weeks ago my friend decided she was going to spend the night in my room. She's one of the few friends from last year I still deem a friend. When she told her friends (who used to be my closest friends last year) that she was staying the night with me, they said, "Are you sure you want to do that? You're already dealing with enough, you don't need to be burdened by her". That's what I am...a burden. So once again I coil back inside myself, say screw the world I don't need friends...but you can only go so long before that starts to be unbearable. So I stopped looking for love from friends, I'm tired of being hurt. I can't turn to family either. I mean sure, I love my family with all my heart. My sisters are amazing, and I know they adore me, but that kind of love just isn't the same. My mom and I have a great relationship for the most part, but she rarely shows me any affection, guess it's just not how she was raised. So that leaves my dad (I can already hear the scoffs or grunts of annoyance). My dad, who says he loves me with all his heart, that I'm the most precious thing in the world to him, and yet I've walked on eggshells around him my whole life. I guess I believe he loves me, but I don't really feel it. I mean it's hard to feel love amongst the pain, the your stupid, your ungrateful, your a failure, I give up on you, I don't even care about you anymore....the constant stream of hurtful things he says to me on an almost daily basis when I'm home. And when he's not hurting me (or hitting me) he's putting down my mom and my family and making our lives a living hell. He's telling me the dog's easier to love than anyone in our family. He's telling my mom marrying her was the biggest mistake he's ever made. And somehow amongst that I'm supposed to find love? So no, growing up I never really felt love. In my friendships, I haven't truly felt love, i guess I just don't let myself. And now, I'm craving love.

That's my biggest fear, that I'll die alone. I don't think anyone is ever going to truly love me, I'll always be the burden. I don't expect anyone to ever love me, I'm undeserving. I'm defective. I'm like the letters that are sent out, only to receive a big red stamp saying return to sender. I know why guys don't notice me, let's face it, there's nothing extraordinary about me. I know why I'll never get married, why no guy will ever chose me.

For one, I'm not good looking. I know appearances are far from being the most important thing in a relationship, but let's face it, we judge people before we even meet them based on how they look. I don't think too many guys are looking for someone with acne, missing teeth, and flab. I wouldn't want me...heck I don't want me. I look in the mirror everyday and hate what I see.

Second, I'm a downer. I know I am, that's why I lose so many friends. I struggle with depression, I'm a pessimist, and I have some issues that I don't think I'll ever overcome.

I'm also shy, terribly shy. Like...waiting for friends to pick me up cuz we made plans sets my heart beating faster at the prospect of being social. I've tried for years to overcome this, but it doesn't seem like it will ever go away.

Finally, I'm sick. This is my biggest thing...the thing I've cried about a million times. Because in my heart I think, if you could chose from any girl in the world, why would you pick the one with Fibromyalgia, RSD, gastroparesis, carpal tunnel...and whatever other crap is wrong with me? Why would you pick the person who cringes at even the gentelest touch, because everything, EVERYTHING hurts. Why would you pick the person who is always tired.....who walks around in a half awake daze her entire life. Who doesn't have the strength to go out, who constantly needs naps, who can't focus, can't keep up? Would you want your life partner to have those qaulities? I certainly wouldn't.

So there you have it. I guess if love ever comes along, you can all say "I told you so" but I just don't see it ever happening. Maybe before I got sick, but not now. I crave love, I watch the couples on campus with envy, but I know it will never grace my presence.

Tricks

I'm not really good at this whole blog thing. For one I don't write anything that anyone else would want to read, I don't know how to make my blog pretty, or even post pictures. These will be things to hopefully learn in the near future, although with as crazy behind as I'm getting with schoolwork I wouldn't expect it anytime soon.

So I am completely obsessed with Ellen Hopkins. I've been addicted ever since I read her first book, which ironically was about someone falling into an addiction to drugs... She has the most captivating style I've ever read. It's a beautiful free verse style. But these books aren't for the faint of heart. Actually as much as I love them I can't even recommend them to most people. If you want to live a sheltered life, if you can't handle cursing or the occasional inappropriate comment, than you probably would hate them. On the other hand if you want a book that is chilling, intense, and an amazing eye opener to the problems in this world that are all too common, especially amoungst teens, than her books are for you. You will be brought into the minds of people you probably never wanted to know, and yet, in a strange way a peice of me has been able to relate to every one of them. These books deal with dark stuff: drugs, abuse, sexual abuse, rape, suicide, cutting, and countless other deep topics. Her newest book is called Tricks. As soon as I can get paid for October, I'm buying it. I have to admit I was more hesitant about this book than the others. Tricks is about five teens, who for one reason or another fall into prostitution. They are looking for love in all the wrong places, and are caught up in a lifestyle they can't even imagine escaping. This book isn't so much about the prostitution itself, although that will be in there. It's more about the stories, what led them to where they are now, who they are as a person. I've read several excerpts, and it looks amazing as usual. I cannot wait to read them. Even though I'll probably put off hw and read for hours straight, it's worth it to me. In fact, sometimes I think the life lessons I learn both from the characters I live through and the demons in my own life, are better teachers than anyone in a classroom setting possibley can be. But that's just me. Unfortunately that doesn't mean I can put off hw, so I better get back to work.

The Joys of Pneumonia

Today was not an easy day for me. It was one of those days where my terrible habit to beat myself up about things started to get out of control. I'm sick right now, I have pneumonia. It's pretty much the crappiest I've felt in a long time. Not only am I sick, but add RSD and FM flair ups to the mix and you have one miserable Rebecca. A miserable Becca that couldn't get out of bed, couldn't make it to classes, couldn't even do hw. All I did all day was sleep. I didn't even eat, just slept non stop. When I finally did wake up at eight this afternoon, I felt like such a failure. An unproductive, stupid failure. So I read a chapter in Helping Skills, and that made me feel a little less worthless. Then I decided I really wanted to watch medium. So I found an episode online, curled up with a blanket, and watched the very first episode. I guess it's strange for me to spend my evening that way when I was already mad at myself for being unproductive, but a friend finally knocked some sense into me. She pointed out that if I don't take care of myself, I could end up hospitalized, because pneumonia can get pretty serious. So, I have to decide if I want to keep pushing myself and not letting my body heal, risking hospitalization and more missed school, or if I want to let myself relax, miss a few classes, fight off the fever, and just let myself sleep. I guess I'm starting to see that maybe taking care of my body is a little more important than school.

Who I am

I used to know who I was, but now all I have in my life are questions. I love God yes, I know that there have been times where he has provided for my family, but at the same time I don't know how I feel about him right now. I want to say yes, when I die I will go to heaven. I want to say the God I believe in will always protect me. I want to say yes I know beyond a doubt that he is there for me, but I honestly don't know anymore. It seems like I am screaming, screaming for God to hear me, screaming for people at school to hear me, just screaming and hoping that someone will stop and listen. I'm not sure if that will ever happen. I know I have people who love me, both from highschool and here at NNU, but I still feel more alone than I have in a long time. Please, don't judge me. I may be quiet and keep to myself alot, but that's only because I have been hurt so deeply in my past. I actually have alot to say, alot that I can share with the world. People have told me I've made a difference in their lives, and I can be a great friend. It takes me time to warm up, but once people start talking to me, they are shocked how much I really do have to say. Yes, I have a disease. It is called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, and it is a chronic neurological disorder that I have struggled with since I was nine. Basically I hurt. My nerves tell my body I'm in pain, gentle touches hurt, I can't be as active as I'd like. I have good days and bad days, and I am hoping that there are people in this world who will love me on the good days, and support me on the bad. I try not to complain about my condition, but here's the thing. Imagine you have the extreme lack of energy and constant body aches of the flu. Imagine the worse pain you've felt and spread it throughout your body. You are always tired, that will never change. You are always in pain, that will never go away. Now honestly tell me you would never slip into negativity or make a comment about not feeling well. I don't think you can. People who actually get to know me say I am an amazing person, who has a ton to offer the world. People who actually get to know me love spending time with me, and value what I have to say. They tell me they don't know how I handle my condition, how I stay as positive as I do, that they could never do it. I just shrug and say, it's life. Yes I have my days where everything feels like it's coming to an end....but I haven't stopped fighting yet. I refuse to let my condition define me. I am begging the world, don't define me by my condition. If you are afraid to approach me because you don't understand...ask me. Don't judge me when you've made no effort to get to know me, to see past my illness. And if you honestly think I can't have fun just because I am sick...you are soo wrong! Ask anyone who has actually gotten to know me, or spent time with me late at night. I am just a normal person who loves having fun. I guess what I'm saying is, don't be part of the reason that people with disabilities don't feel accepted. I can't change what you think, because I am not going to change who I am for you. This is who I am. Take it or leave it. If you can't see past my condition long enough to get to know me, you are the one missing out.