Who I am

I used to know who I was, but now all I have in my life are questions. I love God yes, I know that there have been times where he has provided for my family, but at the same time I don't know how I feel about him right now. I want to say yes, when I die I will go to heaven. I want to say the God I believe in will always protect me. I want to say yes I know beyond a doubt that he is there for me, but I honestly don't know anymore. It seems like I am screaming, screaming for God to hear me, screaming for people at school to hear me, just screaming and hoping that someone will stop and listen. I'm not sure if that will ever happen. I know I have people who love me, both from highschool and here at NNU, but I still feel more alone than I have in a long time. Please, don't judge me. I may be quiet and keep to myself alot, but that's only because I have been hurt so deeply in my past. I actually have alot to say, alot that I can share with the world. People have told me I've made a difference in their lives, and I can be a great friend. It takes me time to warm up, but once people start talking to me, they are shocked how much I really do have to say. Yes, I have a disease. It is called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, and it is a chronic neurological disorder that I have struggled with since I was nine. Basically I hurt. My nerves tell my body I'm in pain, gentle touches hurt, I can't be as active as I'd like. I have good days and bad days, and I am hoping that there are people in this world who will love me on the good days, and support me on the bad. I try not to complain about my condition, but here's the thing. Imagine you have the extreme lack of energy and constant body aches of the flu. Imagine the worse pain you've felt and spread it throughout your body. You are always tired, that will never change. You are always in pain, that will never go away. Now honestly tell me you would never slip into negativity or make a comment about not feeling well. I don't think you can. People who actually get to know me say I am an amazing person, who has a ton to offer the world. People who actually get to know me love spending time with me, and value what I have to say. They tell me they don't know how I handle my condition, how I stay as positive as I do, that they could never do it. I just shrug and say, it's life. Yes I have my days where everything feels like it's coming to an end....but I haven't stopped fighting yet. I refuse to let my condition define me. I am begging the world, don't define me by my condition. If you are afraid to approach me because you don't understand...ask me. Don't judge me when you've made no effort to get to know me, to see past my illness. And if you honestly think I can't have fun just because I am sick...you are soo wrong! Ask anyone who has actually gotten to know me, or spent time with me late at night. I am just a normal person who loves having fun. I guess what I'm saying is, don't be part of the reason that people with disabilities don't feel accepted. I can't change what you think, because I am not going to change who I am for you. This is who I am. Take it or leave it. If you can't see past my condition long enough to get to know me, you are the one missing out.