Shoes

I'm actually a very simple person, I don't think my needs are all that out of the ordinary, and I don't think I'm all that hard to please. I'm the person who when one person from my wing takes the time to say hi and ask how I am, I feel on top of the world.

What I want right now shouldn't be so hard to satifsy, but thanks the my medical issues, a simple want characteristic of most girls becomes an impossibility. What want is this? Shoes. But not just any shoes, I want cute shoes. You know the kind that make people you don't even know stop and ask you where you got them. Once upon a time this was a fairly easy feat. I would find a shoe I liked that fit, and if I had money, buy them. More recently however my trips to the mall to try to find a cute pair of shoes to replace the Vans the finally bit the dust has just left me feeling depressed and dejected.

See...due to my oh so lovely RSD, I have slightly deformed legs. No one can really notice, but due to the muscle atrophy that occured when my RSD was at it's worse, my feet turn in, my legs slightly turn in, and my one ankle rolls funny. Add the fact that I have no arches, and you get a very unpleasant situation. In fact the changes to my legs and the fact that my ankle rolls funny is probably a major part of the reason my pain is so bad, and why after just a few minutes of standing the pain becomes unbearable and I'm desperate to sit down again. So my senior year, a nice doctor made custom inserts for my shoes. They form the arch I'm missing, and are molded exactly to my feet. The most important function of these inserts however is that they help to hold my ankle at the right position..so it doesn't roll. I love my inserts, because since I've had them I have been able to walk for longer and not feel pain as quickly. So I'm not really complaining. It's just that...these inserts also severly limit the shoes I can where. The first and most important rule is that the inserts that are already in a pair of shoes have to be able to come out. This is where the problem comes in. Most shoes...the inserts are glued down. The reason we bought the cute pair of vans I loved my senior year was because the inserts came out, it was a perfect fit even with my inserts. So logically when it came time to buy new shoes this year because those shoes are officially falling apart, I thought I'd find another cute pair of vans.

This is where the dejection came in. Every pair of shoes I found in that whole entire store had inserts that were glued down. Even the Vans...which the know it all store person told me Vans always have them glued down, to which I rolled my eyes because I have a pair of Vans at home where it isn't. I know it's petty, but it's just one more piece of normalacy in my life taken away because of my stupid condition. It wasn't until we got to the athletic shoes that all the inserts could come out. And nothing against those shoes, it's just they were all so plain and boring. I want cute shoes. I see so many and I get a brief moment of hope as I pick them up, but again and again they wont work. Even if I get lucky enough to find a cute pair of shoes where the inserts come out, I still have the dilimna of if the shoe isn't deep enough, they wont fit my foot with the inserts in.

I guess it's a stupid thing to complain about. People have far worse problems...heck I have far worse problems. It's just...I want so badly to be normal. I know that you will say there is no normal, but there is. Just ask Ms. Webb at Kuna High...we did a whole section on what is normal. I can tell you that normal isn't RSD, it isn't Fibromyalgia. It isn't waking up every morning in pain. It isn't hurting non stop. It isn't chronic fatigue and fibro fog that effects my cognitive abilities. It isn't always having to think, if I do this now, how much will it hurt me later....will I be able to walk later? It isn't that dejected feeling you get when you wake up and realize you literally cannot walk...without a cane which I refuse to use (actually when we moved I got rid of the crutches, the canes, the wheel chair.....I REFUSE to use them ever again). So I crave the little things that are normal...like being a girl, walking around the mall...finding cute shoes. Instead what I get is shoes that don't work with my arch supports, and unbearable pain from walking around the mall. On that note, if you ever find a brand of really cute shoes that the inserts actually come out of...please let me know. I'd love you forever and ever.