My Sister: Forever Child

So I have a secret. Well not a secret really, just something I think about from time to time that I'm actually relatively ashamed to admit. Sometimes, I become overwhelmingly jealous of my older sister, and I know that's wrong. My older sister, who is 23 but mentally is stuck at eight. She likes to play teacher and push a plastic bus around the floor to pick up students at bus stops strewn across the house. When her emotions become too much she throws full blown tantrums, sometimes saying horrible things but never being reprimanded cuz my parents have learned it's better to just let her be. I know I should be grateful for my normal mind, for my ability to do all the things she never will: Go to college, get a job, learn to drive, maybe even fall in love and have a family someday. I know she thinks about those things some in her limited ability. Since we were little she's talked about growing up and having kids. When she was mad at me she'd always tell me how I wouldn't be allowed to visit her kids when I grew up. Truth is though, sometimes I think I'd switch with her in a heartbeat. I'm insanely scared of the future. I have no passion, no sense of direction. I don't want to face the future to be honest. I don't want to live, but I don't want to die. I just want to disappear, be stuck in limbo someplace. I'm too afraid of growing up, I'm too afraid of everything. It is at these times when I look at Courtney and feel this pang of jealousy. Because she doesn't have to grow up. She'll never have a job, or stress about studying for finals and writing papers. She'll never dread the future the way I do. She doesn't know heartbreak, and as far as I know she doesn't understand my father's abuse or the deep scars it's left me with. She doesn't understand that I cry myself to sleep almost every night, haunted by memories I can't seem to erase. She doesn't know I swallow pills just to go someplace else for awhile, away from my life. She only knows the simple things, her mentality is that of a 5-8 year old depending on the concept. My sister, who smiles when I come home like it's Christmas morning, telling me how fun it is and how happy she is that I'm home when in reality all I do is lock myself in my room and do hw. In truth I don't deserve such a loving sister. I'm a horrible sister. I lose my temper, grow irritated at her non stop questions, call her names, push her away. I was home an entire summer, and all she wanted was for me to play with her, a simple card came would suffice. To be honest, I didn't really fulfill my promise to spend a day just with her until the weekend before I came back to the dorms. Sure, I did little things to make her smile, bring her a book, watch a movie, make her a parfait. Such simple acts and what you get from her is how you are the greatest sister in all the world. She see's the wonder in the world I lost long ago. In clouds shaped like animals, in passing a familiar building, or in the joy of being allowed to get the mail. The highlights of her life are getting to sit next to me when we go out to eat, a trip to the park, feeding the fish. Each act so simple and meaningless to me, and she acts like it's the best thing in the world. Sure, she drives me crazy, she throws tantrums, tells me she hates me when she's mad, but in the end, I honestly wish I had her life. To see the wonder in the little things. To grin from ear to ear and laugh hysterically at corny jokes. To never grow up, at least not mentally. To never know real stress, never work, never have to do anything. To always be taken care of, meals made, hair brushed, clothes picked out. To never lose the joy of barbie dolls and school buses. Even as I say it I'm ashamed that I long her life over mine, that I'm really that shallow. But when you think about it, I'm not the only one who fears growing up, or who has been heartbroken, beaten, depressed, and void of hope. I'm not the only one to curl up in bed and long to go back to childhood. I'm not the only one wishing I could be always taken care of. When you think about it....I think we all want peices of her life. If nothing else, to keep that sparkle of our childhood.