Doctors

Last night I had the most massive anxiety attack I've had in awhile. I was completely freaking out. I wanted to cry, and I wanted to cut. Part of it was stressed induced. I knew I had two finals on Wednesday, and I hadn't studied nearly enough. It was getting close to four o clock in the morning, and I was still so stressed I couldn't fall asleep. So I was lying there in bed crying, and replaying all of these awful memories in my head. I was replaying times my dad has hurt me, and some of the things he has said over the years. I was remember all the drama that happened last year, all the people who have hurt me. I was getting mad at myself, beating myself up because here I was still awake at four in the morning, so I could have been studying for hours. But I wasn't. I knew that today I had a doctors appointment, and that I wouldn't be able to start studying until late. So I was getting really mad at myself, feeling like a complete failure. I found a staple on my desk, and I sat there in bed tears pouring down my face, clutching that tiny metal staple. I wanted to cut so bad, and I spent a good ten minutes fighting with myself. I eventually put the staple down, but only because I knew that the doctors would probably see my arms today and I didn't want to raise suspicions. Now it is almost eight o cock, I have two finals tomorrow, and I could have been studying since six. But I still haven't started. I am at that point where I am so stressed out and overwhelmed, that I just shut down and don't want to do anything anymore. So while I am hating myself for being such a loser, I still can't seem to make myself sit down and study. I'm so anxious and I just don't want to face the future anymore.

Because of my massive screw up this semester, I am going to have to take an incomplete. Which means while everyone else is relaxing over Christmas break, I will still be stressing out and trying to get assignments done. I feel like a complete failure for putting myself in this position.

Then I'm annoyed. I went to the doctor today, has seven viles of blood taken, and now have a massive bruise on my arm. All of this is pretty much for nothing, because they are still telling me that while my gastroparesis is severe, there really is nothing they can do for me. So I have some new over the counter meds to try, but other than that I have nothing to show for today's appointment. I'm so tired of going to doctors and always being told that there is nothing they can do for me. For once I'd like answers, I'd like a cure.