Christmas

Is it really possible to be depressed on Christmas? I don't understand why I feel this way. Nothing in my life is really that bad. I mean yeah, I don't have the greatest home life, andI struggle with my health, but there are plenty of people in the world who have way worse lives, so I have no excuse to be depressed. Today was just about as perfect as you can ask for in this family. There wasn't really much fighting. We opened presents, and everyone was happy. I got the sixth season of Reba, so I now own all the seasons, and I got the first season of this show I used to love called Hope and Faith. I also got this awesome giant green googly ball, or so the label calls it. I'm sure you've seen the smaller ones, they're these balls that when you squeeze them they make this bubble. Anyways, this one is vibrant green and it's probably the size of a bowling ball. I told my mom I wanted one because when I get anxious or upset I like to do something with my hands, and they have one in the counselors office that I like to play with. I also got playdoh, which again I asked for because I enjoy playing with it and it helps me feel better when I'm stressed. So overall it was a pretty good day. I snuggled into a pile of warm blankets and watched an entire disk of Hope and Faith. I ate a delicious home cooked meal, and trust me I spend the entire year looking forward to this meal because my mom doesn't cook very often. I watched a movie snuggled on the couch with my family. Nothing is wrong. And yet here I am in my room feeling overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, and hopeless. It's this deep sorrowful feeling that eats away at you until there is nothing left. It doesn't need a reason to come, and it seems to show itself without warning. I spend so much of my life afraid. Afraid of what comes next in life, and wondering how I will ever truly find my place in this world. Every little task leaves me feeling overwhelmed and inadequate. Even now, I am worrying more about the hw I still haven't done and next semester's workload than I am concerned with enjoying Christmas with my family. I am tired of feeling this way. I want to understand why I can't just stop feeling depressed, why this has to be such a battle for me. I'm tired of getting upset or feeling like I just want to end life, and not understanding why I feel this way. I just want to be able to enjoy life without all this fear and depression. I'm just not sure how it'll ever happen.