Today my mood is black, purple, and dark blue

Wow, this school year is going by fast, and yet at the same time incredibly slow. It has been the roughest semester I've had so far. I'm so busy with my credit load and internship that I haven't had any time for myself. And when I do, I feel guilty for wasting it. I would like to have passion for art and writing again, but so far it seems to be lost. I don't do anything for myself anymore, it's all just projects for art classes. Honestly I think taking art classes proved to be my biggest mistakes. Sure, I suppose it is good to learn and good to be challenged, but I'm not really enjoying myself. I made the decision to drop painting after talking to the teacher. And part of me regrets it. I wanted to learn to paint, I wanted to see myself become better, but life was just too overwhelming, and I wasn't enjoying myself. I think I'll leave art to the art majors, and stick to my meaningless scribbles when I do feel like doing something.

This year is really taking it's toll on me. Emotionally and physically I'm just not holding up. I'm so close to the goal, and yet so ready to just give up. That's my biggest fault. I am a quitter. Whenever life gets too hard, when ever challenges arise, I just quit. I quit painting. I quit trying. I've skipped far too many classes. I haven't done any hw for about two weeks now. My body is shutting down. And I sleep. All I want to do all day is sleep. I go to bed by nine and wake up at like eight thirty or nine every morning. I will probably sleep in even later this weekend. I also have lost interest in everything. No words come to me, no pictures, no ideas. I just, idk nothing seems to lift me up these days. So I guess it's safe to say I am in a deep depression again. The only positive is that I've grown. I'm stronger. I don't do stupid things anymore. It has been 36 days since I last cut. And I know that might not seem like much, but if you've been there, if you've ever struggled with that or any addiction, you would see how very huge that is. It's a daily fight. I would like to think I've outgrown it, that I'm stronger than that. But I still have my weaknesses, I still fall. But, so far, I've always gotten back up again. And I'm told that is what really matters.

I finally decided I needed help. Since most of my friends have abondoned me this year, I have been terribly lonely. Being stuck in the jr dorms, the way I was rejected all summer, I feel like I've been done wrong. I feel like people need to learn to give me a chance. What I hate most of all is it seems like people don't even want to acknowledge that I have changed. They just assume I'll bring them down, that I'll always have mood swings, that I'm the exact same person I was sophomore year. That's not fair. I wish people would at least give me some credit for how hard I'm trying. I made an appointment with one of the school counselors that is new this year. I have never liked the ones I've tried, and I feel like neither have done me any good. I am not better because of anything the school has done. It was all my hard work, the few friends that stuck by me, my outside of school counselor, and art. I was very apprehensive to try another counselor, but I knew I needed someone to talk to. I think we hit it off. She is a very nice person, and she even likes art. So instead of the same old boring number scale, she asked me if I were to do a picture of my mood what colors would I use. My answer: Black, dark blue, and purple. Her response was like a bruise. And perhaps that's true. Perhaps that's appropriate. The mistreatment so many people have given me, the judgement, the pain, I would say that has definately created a bruise. A deep bruise that I don't know how to heal. But all I can say is I AM TRYING. Don't assume this is a game, or that there is a simple fix. I have a mental illness. This may always be a struggle. I just hope that I'm going to find friends that will stick by me. Through the ups and the downs. Because even though I take ALOT of patience, I think I'm worth it. I think that I'm a great friend, I'm someone you can talk to, because I've been there. I want people to give me a chance. I want friends that will go along this ride with me, and love me through it. As the lyrics of my favorite song right now goes, "When you're weak I'll be strong. When you let go, I'll hold on. And when you need to cry I swear that I'll be there to dry your eyes. When you feel lost, and scared to death. Like you can't take one more step. Just take my hand together we can do it, cuz I'm gonna love you through it". I'm willing to do that for you. I just need people who will do that for me.

I guess, my hope is that this new counselor and I can make some changes. That I can get out of this depression. That my energy will come back, and I'll feel good again. In the mean time, I need patience. I need love. I need acceptance and understanding. I know I'm rough. I know that I can be incredibly mean when I'm in the midst of an episode. But at my center I really am I nice person that cares deeply for other people. After this semester I'm 13 credits away from graduation. I just pray that I can make it. But I can't do it on my own. But, no one was meant to go through life alone. Be there for me, and know that I will always be there for you.

Let's Fight Stigma

I wrote love on my wrist, to help keep me strong. Do me a favor, pick a day, any day, and write love on your arms. There is no official day, so just choose one. Do it in honor of me, and the millions of other people who struggle with depression, addictions, have attempted suicide, or known someone whose life it has taken. When people ask explain it. I can give you more info if you need it, or look up TWLOHA. Let's help erase stigma.

Humpty Dumpty

Poor humpty dumpty. No one ever could put those damn pieces back together could they? My korean roommate calls me humpty dumpty, don't ask it's a long story. I used to fight it. But you know what, maybe we aren't so unalike after all. I certainly know what it's like to be a bunch of broken pieces on the floor, and I would definately at times consider jumping off a very very very tall wall.

sigh

I am in serious need of help.

Driving and life in general

As far as I can tell, driving is nothing more than a chance to increase your risk of dying. It's dangerous, and other people are often stupid. I don't like driving, because one, I can't predict what other people will do, and two I don't know how to get anywhere. It's too much to try to figure out where I'm going and focus on the rules of driving at the same time. I am nervous, I don't even know if I'm good enough to pass the drivers test. And that's alot of money to risk losing it. Money I don't even really have. Because while I accomplished alot this summer getting enough credits to be a senior, I also didn't make any money. And since my family doesn't have money either, they expect me to pay for more stuff than usual. Which far as I can tell just means we'll both run out of money soon. Ironically Katie is the one with the most money to spare right now, because she's making a decent amount babysitting. And yet...my mom was willing to spend more than a hundred dollars on her paying for new clothes, didn't even make her pay for any of it. I don't know what else she's supposed to do with the money. Strange as this might sound to people, I actually don't want to die. And I don't want to kill anyone. Driving increased the chances of both of those. And yet, I can't get a job, I can't live if I don't drive. Not that it matters, because we can't afford insurance. So I can learn to drive, get my liscense, and then not drive for a year. Which is a problem becaus PSR work is my most likely available job after graduation, and that requires a liscense and being comfortable driving clients.

Speaking of which, have I mentioned how scary this school year is? Not being with my class, being with someone who may or may not speak english well. Facing 17 credits first semester, which might feel easy after 12 during the summer. Graduating...most likely losing contact with all my friends. Unless you count through facebook. And the real world, trying to find a place to live, a way to pay all my bills, and those lovely student loan debts. Rumor is the world will end in 2012. Frankly I'd be ok with that. Except maybe not, because I don't know if someone with as much doubt as me can be considered saved. And with as hellish as life has been, I certainly don't want to wind up spending eternity in hell. I don't know how to change my outlook though, I don't know how to feel God. And without feeling God, I know that I will never be able to easily shake my doubts.

Anyways, that's what's running through my mind right now. High anxiety levels as usual. Disappointed break is almost over. Wishing I had more time to figure out everything. Now, I guess I should get back to studying for the written test. I sure hope it's similar to the permit test, because that's what I'm prepared for.

unbreakable

Just writing to say, my blog name is a lie. I am not unbreakable. I am in fact very breakable and very much broken these days.

why

Why is everything in life so complicated? I'll give you a million dollars (ha ha ha like I have that) if you can give me a legitimate answer.

Love is in the air

Love is in the air, or so it seems. Seems people all around me are married or engaged. I've gotten three wedding group invites in the past several weeks. And admist all that happiness I can't help but wonder, will it ever be me? I know I've written about this before, but it's kind of a reoccuring feeling. I tell myself sometimes I really don't care that I've never really had a relationship. But then other times, I look around me and see other happy people and think, you know I really want that. I've never felt special, not to myself and not to others. I feel kind of average in everything. The only thing I hold onto as a gift is my writing, and as it turns out I've had zero luck getting published even in small magazines. I wonder what about me will ever stand out in someone's eyes. Is there really someone out there for everyone, or am I destined to always be alone? I have very few friends, I get rather lonely. I spend alot of my time alone. Not really because I want to be alone, but just because no one really wants to be around me. Which I get it ok. I'm too depressed. I'm too blunt with people so it comes out rude. I'm overly dramatic sometimes, and I must confess sometimes in my depression I take advantage of other people. To be honest I can see myself getting in a relationship and then driving the person away being too suspicious and dependent. I'm that way, I have so few friends that I get very paranoid with the ones I have. Even the ones who actually hang out with me, I constantly wonder....do I really mean something to this person? I want to believe they do, but something broke inside of me a long time ago. And lately I have become overly concerned with looks. I have this discoloration on my cheek, which the dermatologist told me could be a permanent change in pigmintation. Or it could go away but who knows how long that'll take. I have an cyst on my chest, what could very well be a permanent scar in a rather intimate place. I have scars I'll someday have to explain. Which on a side note it's been over 80 days now. I'm too lazy to count it up right now. I'm afraid of what comes after college, afraid that all my friends will go back to their respective states and I'll never hear from them again. I barely hear from people now, I guess they have a life. I have a friend who said she'd call me on my birthday, I'm debating of whether I should subtley remind her, or if I should just wait and see if she actually follows through. I do that, I test people. Twisted of me I guess, it's my own game of prove you care that I do sometimes. A habit I suppose I should break if I ever want someone to dare enter my life and stay there. I look forward to tomorrow, I might be able to see high school friends who at one point I thought perhaps had fallen off the face of the earth, although I suppose I've done the same in my own right. I am wondering when the pieces fall into place, when the prayers get answered. God listens right? I wonder how long He'll be silent. Or am I just too challenged to hear him? I'm sick of foodbank food. Sick of knowing I am now uninsured and my health is on the line. Afraid that as the bipolar meds run out I'll go back into the darkness that tried to choke out my life sophomore year. I'm running out of steam, running out of desire. I need someone or something to come into my life and make me feel alive again. I pray that God will bring someone into my life. A new friend, or perhaps an old one that's lost touch. I pray that there is someone out there for me, that I wont die alone, the crazy rat lady. I hope, I pray, I try to hang on.

untitled for now

Who should go forth to change the world?
When will somebody dare to go try?
So that the crippled hands of man can be unfurled
And the children no longer have to cry

Out in pain and sheer lack of hope
We’ve waited so long but no one has come
Everyone has grown tired of trying to cope
We’re wanting to forget where we’ve come from

Will you be the answer to our prayer?
Be willing and brave
In this, our most uncertain hour
Be the one we’ve been told has freely gave

You are the answer given by God above
We know to this world you’ll bring pure love

What Sweet A Thing

What Sweet a Thing
What sweet a thing to call yourself a Christian,
A beloved child of the good Lord above
What does it mean to live life on a mission?
To say that you serve a God of love

How can you dare to claim to be Christ-like
When all the while you scorn the needy
You take all of the people you strongly dislike
And Judge as you take from them greedily

Doesn't Christ-like mean giving in compassion?
To represent the love of God to others
Shouldn't you be reaching out with passion?
Treating all others as your sisters and brothers

Go out in this world and be the light
Turning this dark world into a place so bright

Love's Hand

Love’s Hand

You asked for my hand,
A piece of my heart
A part of me
I didn’t understand
Emotions flowed from the start
But I wasn’t sure who to be

Somehow I was never
Quite able to see
The person you always
Saw in me

You saw beauty
And talent
Love and a friend
For you it wasn’t a sense of duty
Or to appear gallant
It was hard to comprehend

How I could
Have possibly found
As the fairytales say, my true love.
To me it didn’t seem I ever would,
Hear the melody of love’s song
Or to see that white dove

Fluttering in the air,
A bouquet of flowers
In my hand
No more uncertain hours,
Or a need to understand
That my heart now and forever,
Is held in your hand.

Faucet

Faucet
Drip, Drip, Drip
Water trickles from the faucet
A steady leak from my soul

Tears of heartache,
Long ago dried
The salty streams,
Now a barren bed
Weaving through the ground,
Echoing the sound

Of the whispers in my heart,
Longing for a fresh start
Praying for forgiveness
Hoping for Love
A cure for my loneliness,
This thing called friendliness,
Shattering the emptiness.

Filling the well
Nourishing the ground
Allowing new life
To flourish
As sad goodbyes
Perish

Freedom

What does freedom mean to you?
Living in the land of the
Red white and blue
Does it mean fireworks, watermelon
A BBQ on the lawn
Or do you see men fighting
For our land
Kids crying
For the lost
Do you see the blessing
Of being able to sit casually
In your backyard
Enjoying this day
And knowing that you’re safe
Cherishing the fact
That you have food and shelter
Love and communion
Freedom to believe
To worship
To speak
And express your individuality
Peace for today
And Hope for tomorrow
Such fragile things to some
In the palm of your hands
Be proud for the people
Who fight and defend
So that you can enjoy
The promise of this land

Future

I am currently incredibly nervous. Monday I start probably the hardest set of classes I've ever taken. Three semester long classes done in four weeks is crazy intense. You should see the amount of reading, assignments, and tests they cram into that period, and I have no clue what speech will require. One of the main reasons I wanted to take intro to public speaking over the summer was so that it would be the only class I have to focus on, and then of course it is only offered the same session as a much harder class. I did some reading for astronomy yesterday just to get a head start, and let's just say it went right over my head. It will be quite shocking to me if I manage to get an A in that class, which I'd like to do to preserve the new gpa level I accomplished last semester. My brain thinks more and more lately about the future. I know we aren't supposed to worry, but you are either crazy or lying if you say you don't. I think it's natural to have anxiety. I am now a girl with a permit, but as of yet haven't gotten up the courage to try driving with my dad. I kind of just want to wait until my friend can be here in July. But that only gives me a month to get comfortable driving before my birthday, and I don't know if someone as nervous as me can be ready that quickly. Hopefully driving everyday I can get there. Then there is my future job. Unfortunately I can't do much of anything with only a bachelors degree in psychology. My dream is to someday be a counselor, but that of course requires surviving grad school. Which I'm definately not willing to get into straight out of undergrad. I just need a break from being a student. But most likely my first job will be as a PSR worker. And that isn't exactly a dream job. With as little patience as I have with my mentally disabled sister, I never imagined I'd have any future working with them. And then...for extra credits at my high school in Fresno, I decided I would peer tutor in a functional skills classroom. That of course led to me working as an aid again at Kuna high, working in the special needs classes. Then this year, I needed a place to do field experience, and no one would respond and I had little help finding a place. So I decided to apply at the center my sister goes to (well childrens branch of the same company) and ended up doing my field experience with children with mental and physical disabilities at Gem State Developmental Center. So in all honesty, I will probably look pretty good on paper for working somewhere as a PSR worker. Pay is ok for a first job, and most companies are willing to train. I just don't know if it will be a job I enjoy or dread. Working with special needs children takes an abundant amount of patience, and I'm just not sure I have it.

school money and other such things

Tomorrow is my last day of my first session of summer school. I have a final worth half my grade, which I'm kind of nervous about. But at this point I've lost all motivation to study. I really should go through everything one more time before bed, but my brain just kind of told me it's done trying. I might try to go through everything one more time, but I think maybe it's time to give my brain a rest. I am grateful that after this I have a week off. Even though it wont be much of a week off. I have to study for and take my permit test, try to see if I can get medicaid, unpack finally, and get a head start on reading. Plus work on my cross stitch as much as possible. Then comes the session I am truly frightened of. I have three classes, and so far they all sound very time consuming. In the astronomy class there are three tests in only four weeks, it's going to be crazy. And then at the same time I'll be attempting to write and memorize speeches. I am very nervous. But if I can get through that session it'll be a piece of cake from there. I'm not worried at all about creative writing. It's alot of poems but I am ok with those. Ha ha, think I can get away with submitting old poems? Not like the teacher would ever know. But I'll try not to do that, the goal is to challenge myself to create new work. I feel like I haven't written anything of value since last school year. I don't know, when I was depressed I could write. I wrote beautiful things I am proud of, and wrote many things every day. Now, I can't. I don't have the drive, don't have the passion. The creativity just isn't there. I haven't written anything I am proud of. Maybe I can only write when I'm depressed. Sure seems that way. Guess that'll be one benefit to losing insurance, I'll be off my meds so I'll probably go crazy again, but at least I'd be able to write. My dad didn't get the job, we really needed it to work out. So we're stressed out. We lose our insurance in July, which means I only have one more month of meds. If I qualify for medicaid than they would be covered, but if not then I have to either go without meds or have my meds changed around so I'm on a cheaper combo. And I still owe a couple thousand for next school year. My dad said he can't afford to take out another parent loan, so I don't have a clue how I'm affording my senior year. I don't even want to think about how far in debt I'm going to be when I graduate. It is screwed up that school is so expensive. I see no reason why college should even cost money. You create a society where in order to make something of yourself you need a bachelors degree...and now even that isn't enough in most fields. But you make school so expensive that people have to go into debt for it. And then if you are poor and can't afford school I guess you're just screwed. What are they doing that they deserve to charge hundreds of dollars a credit? There isn't something they do that's worth that much. They teach. Something normal teachers barely get paid for. I don't know, it just doesn't make sense to me. Can you imagine if they'd have public colleges. I mean sure they might not be as good of an education as some fancy school, but college for people that wouldn't cost money except for books, I think that would be a valuable thing. And while I'm on the topic, the health care system is also screwed up. Why should I live in a world where I need meds and I need to see doctors but because health care is so ridiculous I can't afford it. I mean really, without insurance my one med costs over five hundred dollars. That is absurd. Ok..I'm done. Guess I should get back to trying not to fail this class.

Everything is upside down

I have been a little ill at ease lately, in light of the whole the world is going to end may 21st thing. Now I never really believed it was going to, because the bible says no one knows the date or the hour. But, what it was making me think about is my own faith. Wondering and panicking more than ever about the question: Am I saved? Do I believe? I wish this was a simple question, I wish I had a concrete answer. But I don't. You see, I question constantly. Sometimes I question to such an extent that I lose faith all together. That is, the little faith I even have. There are alot of things in the bible that seem very unloving considering God is supposed to be a loving God. For instance, why did God kill and punish children for their parents mistakes? How is that fair? How does that even make sense? Did God kill Pharoh? No, he killed the firstborn, the innocent children, and the people that were sent after the Israelites (no clue how to spell and don't feel like looking up). This puzzles me. I worry, that a God who does such things couldn't possibly accept me. Someone who is always asking why, and can never just trust. Because, I struggle with the world. I struggle with my life. What God must think of someone who attempted to take their own life, someone who destroys their own body with a blade. Perhaps, this is a punishment. I know, it's cruel to think, but look at the things God did in the bible. Maybe, the reason I don't get healed no matter how desperately I pray, is because God refuses to listen to the prayers of someone that rejects their own body, rejects God even sometimes. My screwed up family and my screwed up life, it's hard to see God in any of this. Does God truly care? Does God really have a plan for my life? Why is this His plan then? My pain has been worse than ever lately, and my prayers have become more desperate. I have lived more than half my life with this disease. I dream of a day when I can wake up not in pain. When I can eat and not get sick. And to actually sleep at night and wake rested. How in the heck am I ever going to handle this life? I stress about EVERYTHING. I'm scared of everything. Next year I graduate. And then what? Face life alone? Try to work, try to pretend I'm normal. I need to learn to drive, but I'm too scared. I'm always scared. I'm so pathetic I'm scared of the dark even, I get so parnoid I can hardly sleep at night regardless of pain levels. When I look in the mirror, I honestly don't see love. I see an ememy, someone I hate. I see pain and defeat. And I think about the friends I've tried to make, and how insignificant I am in their lives. When we graduate, will I hear from any of them again? More than likely not, seeing how I'm barely acknowledged now. I am forgetable. Always have been. My entire life I've felt like an outcast, someone people just can't stand being around. Can't say I blame them. My disease makes me no fun to be around, and who wants to be around someone who is constantly in the clutch of depression or mania. So either I'm wanting to die, or I'm half crazy. I wonder how I'm going to live alone, how I'm going to manage. I'm always so tired from my illness, and that makes it so hard to just get through a day. Add highs and lows, and I'm even more unstable. Whose going to want to hire someone who is unstable? You can't ditch work just because you couldn't sleep all night from the pain. You can't ignore the need to lift something or to keep going just because you have no stamina and your body is failing you. I hate my disease. I know that I shouldn't, but I think I've let it define me, I think I've become my disease. I hide behind it, and use it as a reason to not try. But it does make it difficult to just feel normal, to feel my age. And more than ever I've been lonely. I have friends getting engaged and married, and aside from a minor relationship in my early teens, I've never been in a relationship. Never had anyone even give me a second glance. I'm too hidden behind walls, too scarred by my past to let anyone in even if they were willing. So am I destined to live alone? I want a family, I want a life. But I grew up with a mother who was always sick and tired. We had to be quiet all the time, tip toe around the house for fear of waking her up. I don't want to be that mother. I don't want to be someone with no energy for my family. I want a relationship, I want someone to love me. But who will? Who would? Look at me, scared of the world, in no way attractive, and burdened by my past. A body covered in scars I keep hidden from the world, but couldn't keep hidden forever. The questions that would come, the fear that I would have. I don't want to live alone, I don't want to go my whole life without finding love. There is love around me, but I doubt and I question just like I doubt and question God. I go...if they really loved me they'd ____ or they aren't really my friends because they _________. A constant game inside my head. I withdraw, I test. Do things like not making an effort to stay in contact because I desperately want to know if they care enough to make the effort themselves. Seems like I'm always the one to text, call, or come over. More than ever I'm questioning my life. I'm scared and I'm hurt and I'm broken. And I need help, because I don't have a clue how to put the pieces of my life back together again.

For just one moment

For just one moment
can you listen to me
hear what I hear
and see what I see
feel my pain
experience my regrets
place yourself
in my shoes
just for one day
maybe then
you'd understand
maybe then you
could accept
this is who I am
what my past has shaped
me to be
I'm slightly left
of crazy
honest to a fault
I'm sarcastic
and witty
and you really can't
defeat me
you can try to attack
who I am
call me negative
call me rude
call me a poor friend
but the honest truth is
I am who I am
You cannot change me
so experience me
befriend me
become part of my world
or hurt me
try to destroy me
never understand
either way I am happy
just the way I am

Miracles

Do you believe
in miracles
little gifts
from God
do you believe
your seed of faith
can grow a field
of hope
when you close your eyes
do you see God
do you think
your whispered prayers
reach God's heavenly grace
do you believe
unanswered prayers
are miracles in disguise
or do you see them
as God closing
His eyes
When you reach
your hands skyward
do you think God
returns your grasp
and when you finally
reach His gates
will he recognize
your face

Trust

You don't like
my smile
you criticize
my hair
my clothes
my make-up
I'm never right
for you
I'm hard to handle
my emotions are
too much
you started out
claiming
that you really cared
you didn't think
I was broken
I wasn't your project
wasn't someone to fix
but the pieces
I trusted
you to hold in your hand
you crushed
you destroyed
you told all your friends
so now all my secrets
are scattered in the wind
I am hurt
my trust is broken
you promised
not to hurt me
now I see that was
a lie
so despite your
attempt at friendship
now I must say goodbye
sure you try to tell me
this doesn't have to be
the end
but you cannot be
friends
if you cannot
trust
and if I can't be myself
then this friendship
is fruitless

Being me

Who exactly
do you think you are
that you believe
you have a right
to judge
to hate
to demand I prove myself
who are you to me
that I should
care so much
what you think of me
that I paste
on a smile
and hide my true self
in hopes
that you
may finally accept me
it gets lonely
being the outcast
always on the sidelines
sitting alone
but lately I've realized
the saddest place to be
is a place where I'm never
actually free
to be me

Again, don't know what to call it

My soul is opaque
What should be a window
Is dirtied with sin
Blackened by hate

Resentment and jealousy
Take over my life
Hating the edgy
Hating the proud
Hating the people
Who turned my life
Upside down
Jesus tries to touch me
The Neosporin of the heart
Trying to bandage wounds
That are infected
With rage
God tries to
Calm my mind
Which is racing with doubts
To raise me up
Dust me off
And place me
On my feet
Down the path
Of hope and healing
Where I can forget my past
Forget my pain
And finally
yes finally
I’ll be free
At last

Abstract

Why can no one understand me?
I’m really not abstract
I have a heart
I have a soul
My life has meaning
I have a goal
I hope to be successful
In everything I do
And to be compassionate
To anyone
My life touches
I hope to be seen
As loving
An image of Christ
Caring
And giving
All of my life

Breeze

In the clear of the morning
The sun’s bright rays
Paint the sky pink
As a bird in the distance
Sings a song to me
The breeze tickles my
Face
And plays with my hair
Shakes hands with the trees
Stirs the grass
And causes the chimes
To play a melody
(I never did figure out how to end this one)

Crushed

My memories are something
Too scary to face
A rope around my neck
Pulling me in
Judgement clouded
By past regrets
Constantly remembering
All the dumb mistakes
I’ve made
I shutter in shame
Hating where I’ve been
Wondering why
By now
I haven’t learned
To be cautious
About the people
I trust
With the depths of my heart
But you said you loved me
You said you cared
So foolishly I trusted
I gave you pieces of me
I can never get back
You greedily took
Leaving me empty
Discarding me
As soon as my
Friendship
No longer benefited
You
So here I am
Stranded
In a field of heartache
Left to pick up the pieces
You so heartlessly
Scattered
Feeling as though
My whole world has shattered

Taken

You were taken from me
The cruel grasps of death
Stole my only love
I’m left behind
Bewildered
Trying to understand
Why you were taken
So soon
I cry out to God
As my friends offer comfort
But their words come out
Empty
And god never replies
So I lie in the darkness
As tears pour
From my eyes
Trying to understand
The depths of my fears
Trying to find
Sense through my tears
Without you around
My heart
Slows
I begin to think
That I’d like
To join you
But a small voice inside
Tells me I can’t
So I stay behind
Trying to believe
That one day
I’ll find out
You saved a place for me

? I never know what to name my poems

Hair whipping in the wind
Every which way
The chill of the night
Biting at my cheeks
Under the glow of the moon
I feel vivacious and free
Living for the moment
Forgetting my worries
Trying to drive a distance
Between me and my past
Regardless of miles
I can’t quite escape
But the kiss of the night
Makes me feel as though
I’ve broken away
Spirited
Strong
Beautiful
And free
Content for a moment
Just to be me

decisions, decisions

Sacrifice my dignity to prove once and for all that I'M NOT CUTTING ANYMORE, or fight for my right to modesty and risk getting asked to leave the dorms again? Which would you choose?

Life

I'll start out by saying I don't know why I waste my time writing blogs that no one reads. I mines as well be writing for myself. But I guess at least it's a positive release for me.


It's a sad place to be
being me
hate where I am
don't know where I'm going
can't even find myself
inside my own skin
can't seem to ever find
the person within
tired of pain
tired of life
just wish I could find
a break from this strife

The Spring Semester is Upon Us

Well, I'm packing up my things and moving into the dorms sometime tomorrow. Another semester from hell is upon us. I know I should probably be more optimistic, but I honestly don't feel anything but dread when I think about the upcoming semester. I don't know what it is that makes this semester so much worse than others, it just is. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that next year is supposed to be our senior year. It's supposed to be the year where sure we have lots of stress, but then we graduate. But for me this won't be the case. Thanks to contracts and poor health I am going to have to go an extra semester, if not a whole year. Although I suppose in some ways I'm grateful for that extra semester. No I have no idea how I am going to afford an extra semester at the absurdly overpriced NNU. But, then again, I have no idea how I'm going to afford the real world either. Nor do I have any idea how I'm ever going to face it. Although I can tell you one thing, the desire to learn to drive has been growing stronger lately, even if it does still scare me quite a bit. I would like to try to learn to drive this summer, although if I go to camp again that might not be possible.
The more I start to think about the future, the more I start to fear. Last semester in one of my classes we were asked to envision where we would be five, ten, and even twenty years from now. And I couldn't do it. I saw nothing but darkness, nothing but despair. The truth is I have no idea where I'm going with my life. And sometimes that really scares me. Shouldn't I have some idea of what I want to do by now? I mean, if not why am I wasting this time in school to pursue a career when I don't even know what career I want to pursue? Oh how I wish there was some magic way of knowing exactly what I’m meant to do in this life. Where I’ll live, what I'll do for a living, who I'll marry: the yellow brick road to my future if you will. I understand there have to be obstacles in life, but couldn't we at least have some guidance? If God wants so badly for us to know him, then why the heck doesn't he make his presence known? Why did he make it such a mystery, why doesn't he just talk to us or make himself known? I don't understand why we should have to spend so much of our life searching for God. Why exactly is he hiding from us?
Sorry, I guess that was a bit of an off-topic ramble. It's just the more I think about school, the more I start to think about the future, and the more I start to think about the meaning of life. It's hard to believe I'm already 20 years old, and I still have no idea who I am as a person. I mean, I don't know about you, but I find that just a little unsettling. I'm scared of this semester. I'm so scared to have one of my teachers for the first time. I've heard nothing good about him, and from what I heard I think that he will be the source of many anxiety attacks this semester. I'm just not ready for another semester of reading, studying, writing papers, and doing the other things that being a college student involves. And I know I've complained about these things a million times. It's just as it gets closer the more the dread grows and the more my need to ramble about these things persists.
So I guess for now I'll just keep hoping for the best. The semester hasn't even begun yet, so I shouldn't start stressing so soon. I suppose I should go back to the living room now, and enjoy the little time I have left with my sisters. By this time tomorrow, I'll be back at the dorms. Let's just hope that turns out to be a good thing.

New semester

Well, Christmas break is quickly coming to an end. It is an end I hate to see come. I don't understand how three weeks of break can go by so fast when three weeks of school seem to last an eternity. I don't know why I am dreading going back the way I am. It's not that I necessarily hate school, although I certainly don't like it either, it's just something inside of me is not ready to go back. I can feel it in me. It's this dread that I can't explain. I guess I may never be able to explain it. I just, I'm tired is all. I'm tired of feeling this way all the time. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not loved and that no one in the whole world knows how I feel. I know compared to other people my problems may seem petty but that doesn't mean they don't hurt me. It doesn't mean that my problems aren’t real. And that's the one thing people do and say that pisses me off the most. They think that they can tell me oh your problems aren't so bad, there are people in the world whose problems are so much worse than yours, and somehow that’s supposed to make me feel better. Or that it’s somehow supposed to eliminate the pain I hold inside. It's crap! If someone's arm is broken worse than yours does that take away from your own pain. Would it make you feel any better to know that your friend had the flu worse than you did? If it does I think there's probably something severely wrong with you. Don't you expect people to recognize that you have pains? Of course you shouldn’t think you're the only one in the world with problems, and you shouldn't think that other people's problems don't matter because of your own problems. But I've never been that way. If anything my problems have taught me to look at other people's problems and almost be able to feel what they're going through because I know how it feels to be sad, to be in pain, to be scared, and to feel hopeless. I guess what I want is for people to listen to my pain and care about what I'm going through without giving me some sort of cheer up your too young to feel sad lecture. Because I am so sick and tired of hearing those messages. They don't help me feel any better; all they do is irritate me. If what you want to do or how you want to react when I feel upset is to tell me to trust God, or to think about how other people have worse problems than me, or to just be positive then you're wasting your breath because I've heard it enough and I'm just tired of it.

I'm not really sure where I'm going in life. I think that's what has me the most scared right now. I think that's why there are all these emotions inside of me. I'm just lost right now. The more I think about the next semester, the more I think about how much there is now between me and graduation. And then I start thinking about graduation and what happens after it. I start thinking how am I going to learn to drive, where am I going to live, how am I ever going to survive? The more I look forward, the more I long to go back. I want to go back to a time when life just seemed easier. I mean my life never truly seemed easy, my life hasn't exactly been roses and cupcakes. But there was a time when I didn't constantly stress; there was a time when I still remembered what it meant to feel happy. It's not like I want to lose those times, I want to be happy. It just seems to be so hard for me. Not necessarily because of my life or the circumstances in it, I just don't seem to be able to feel those emotions anymore. Right now I long for energy. I long for the stamina to do all the things I need to do, and all the things I want to do. Because even during break my exhaustion is so overwhelming that I didn't do half the things I wanted to. I suppose it doesn't help that I have nothing much to look forward to when going back. I don't entirely like my roommate situation, as one of my roommates severely tests my patience. And to be perfectly honest I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. Sure I had a group of friend’s freshman year, and then their group fell apart. Then last year I felt all alone but I had Marlaina and Whitney. Then of course Marlaina had to leave because all of my friends end up having to leave me. Then for a while all I had was Whitney. Then coming back this year I started kind of having my group from freshman year again. Sure there were still issues but at least we were hanging out again. But Whitney, I don't know we just haven't been the same this year. So I don't have Marlaina, I don't really enjoy one of my roommates, the other roommate is hardly ever around, the people I hang out with are okay but there's a lot of drama going on. I just don't feel like I have anyone to talk to anymore, and with everything I'm going through right now that is really really hard for me. So even though at home sometimes I have to deal with irritating sisters and fighting, at least I have people to be around, at least I have people to talk to. So I guess that's the thing I'm dreading the most about going back. Of course I'm dreading the lack of sleep, the getting up early, the insurmountable piles of homework and the stress, but the thing I'm dreading the most is the loneliness. So here's to trying to enjoy the last couple days of break. I'll try to enjoy pets cuddled up against me, my sisters incessant laughing, and having my mom to talk to, because in a few days I'll be completely alone again. So I guess right now all I can do is try to survive another semester. Let's hope I make it through this one.

2010

So I've been planning for a while to write a sort of reflecting on the year kind of post and since it is officially 2011 I figured it was as good a time as any. 2010 was definitely a difficult year for me. My brain tends to think in term of school years so when I think about my life right now I think about the past semester. But then I have to remind myself that 2010 was an entire year that extends far beyond the past semester. This means that 2010 included second semester of last school year. When I think about that semester it hurts me inside. I know I made so many mistakes, and I ended up being kicked out of the dorms because of them. I lost friends, I manipulated people, I did everything I had to to gain the release that I wanted without ever giving any thought to other people and their feelings. For this I am truly ashamed. But it was also a year of growth. I discovered so many things about myself that I may never have discovered if it weren't for the depression. I learned what helps me cope, I learned some of my flaws, and I also discovered some of my gifts. I learned that there are friends who will always be there for you, and there are friends who will run away as soon as you have troubles. I realize that those kind of friends aren't really friends to begin with. I learned that I can't always please people, and I need to stop living as though it's everyone else's feelings that matter.

At one point this year I was at rock bottom. I did not want to live, had a plan and I had the means. Overdosing became a weekly occurrence, as somehow it became a coping mechanism for the pain I held inside. The stress from school was overwhelming me, and my health was deteriorating. I also was having massive ups and downs in my mood, and I didn't know how to control them. In March of 2010 I ended up in a psychiatric hospital. It was probably the most miserable experience of my entire life. I felt like I was being labeled as a freak, and I didn't think that anyone would ever look at me in the same light as they had before. I thought only a loser ends up in a mental health hospital. I also had the dread of knowing my family was ashamed of me, and the school was definitely going to kick me out of the dorms if not out of school altogether as soon as I actually found freedom again. It was one of the longest weeks of my life, and it is certainly not something I ever wish to relive. As I had predicted I was kicked out of the dorms, forcing me to live at home in an environment that I don't particularly enjoy being in. I am ashamed of my actions in the past year, and I am also angry that it has been so difficult to shake that image. The image of the girl who was depressed and who always has to be watched because you are afraid that she's going to do something stupid. I am not that girl anymore. I have grown in so many ways, and I just want people to see that, to stop judging me for what I was, and realize what I have become. That is the one thing that I hope to achieve in 2011.

It has been a long time since I last cut. For this I am very proud of myself. It was probably the best semester I have had since being in college. The first time I can say that I went a semester without cutting, without overdosing, without getting into trouble with the school, without taking incompletes, and having actually fulfilled the chapel requirement. I completed the semester with a 3.7 GPA despite the fact that it was a very difficult semester emotionally and physically.

One of the greatest discoveries of 2010 was my passion for art. As a kid I was always kind of crafty, I did enjoy coloring and drawing. But it wasn't until last year that I truly realized that art was something that I was not only good at, but something I found an emotional release in. If it weren't for art, I don't know if I would've made it through last year. It was the wait for the art supplies to arrive in the mail that kept me alive. I would buy an art supply off of the Amazon, and tell myself this package will arrive in three days so you have to live that much longer. So I can truly say that I owe my life to art. I discovered that I love painting and I've done several beautiful drawings and paintings that I am actually proud of. And of course I continue to utilize my gifts in writing to form a powerful release when things get all too overwhelming. My collection of art stuff has grown, in 2011 I'd like to continue focusing on my art. In fact I'd like to make sure I actually make time for my art work. I know that the semesters get overwhelming, but if I make myself so busy that I'm not using my releases, then surely I risk failing again.

I honestly don't believe in setting New Year's resolutions. In my opinion all you are doing is setting yourself up for failure. No one can make a promise to themselves and immediately be able to keep. Improving the self is a lifelong process, not something you can just do overnight. But I do believe it is okay to set goals for the year, as long as you realize that failure at first is okay. So this year I want to continue to improve myself. I want to add on the days that I haven't cut, I want to learn to not break down, and to not let the stress get overwhelming the way it often does. I want to come out of my shell, so that I could make friends so I do not feel as lonely at school as I did the previous semester. Most of all I want to continue showing people that I have changed. I want to continue growing, to continue discovering who I am as a person, and to continue in my path towards healing. So here's hoping for a year of victory.