The Spring Semester is Upon Us

Well, I'm packing up my things and moving into the dorms sometime tomorrow. Another semester from hell is upon us. I know I should probably be more optimistic, but I honestly don't feel anything but dread when I think about the upcoming semester. I don't know what it is that makes this semester so much worse than others, it just is. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that next year is supposed to be our senior year. It's supposed to be the year where sure we have lots of stress, but then we graduate. But for me this won't be the case. Thanks to contracts and poor health I am going to have to go an extra semester, if not a whole year. Although I suppose in some ways I'm grateful for that extra semester. No I have no idea how I am going to afford an extra semester at the absurdly overpriced NNU. But, then again, I have no idea how I'm going to afford the real world either. Nor do I have any idea how I'm ever going to face it. Although I can tell you one thing, the desire to learn to drive has been growing stronger lately, even if it does still scare me quite a bit. I would like to try to learn to drive this summer, although if I go to camp again that might not be possible.
The more I start to think about the future, the more I start to fear. Last semester in one of my classes we were asked to envision where we would be five, ten, and even twenty years from now. And I couldn't do it. I saw nothing but darkness, nothing but despair. The truth is I have no idea where I'm going with my life. And sometimes that really scares me. Shouldn't I have some idea of what I want to do by now? I mean, if not why am I wasting this time in school to pursue a career when I don't even know what career I want to pursue? Oh how I wish there was some magic way of knowing exactly what I’m meant to do in this life. Where I’ll live, what I'll do for a living, who I'll marry: the yellow brick road to my future if you will. I understand there have to be obstacles in life, but couldn't we at least have some guidance? If God wants so badly for us to know him, then why the heck doesn't he make his presence known? Why did he make it such a mystery, why doesn't he just talk to us or make himself known? I don't understand why we should have to spend so much of our life searching for God. Why exactly is he hiding from us?
Sorry, I guess that was a bit of an off-topic ramble. It's just the more I think about school, the more I start to think about the future, and the more I start to think about the meaning of life. It's hard to believe I'm already 20 years old, and I still have no idea who I am as a person. I mean, I don't know about you, but I find that just a little unsettling. I'm scared of this semester. I'm so scared to have one of my teachers for the first time. I've heard nothing good about him, and from what I heard I think that he will be the source of many anxiety attacks this semester. I'm just not ready for another semester of reading, studying, writing papers, and doing the other things that being a college student involves. And I know I've complained about these things a million times. It's just as it gets closer the more the dread grows and the more my need to ramble about these things persists.
So I guess for now I'll just keep hoping for the best. The semester hasn't even begun yet, so I shouldn't start stressing so soon. I suppose I should go back to the living room now, and enjoy the little time I have left with my sisters. By this time tomorrow, I'll be back at the dorms. Let's just hope that turns out to be a good thing.