New semester

Well, Christmas break is quickly coming to an end. It is an end I hate to see come. I don't understand how three weeks of break can go by so fast when three weeks of school seem to last an eternity. I don't know why I am dreading going back the way I am. It's not that I necessarily hate school, although I certainly don't like it either, it's just something inside of me is not ready to go back. I can feel it in me. It's this dread that I can't explain. I guess I may never be able to explain it. I just, I'm tired is all. I'm tired of feeling this way all the time. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not loved and that no one in the whole world knows how I feel. I know compared to other people my problems may seem petty but that doesn't mean they don't hurt me. It doesn't mean that my problems aren’t real. And that's the one thing people do and say that pisses me off the most. They think that they can tell me oh your problems aren't so bad, there are people in the world whose problems are so much worse than yours, and somehow that’s supposed to make me feel better. Or that it’s somehow supposed to eliminate the pain I hold inside. It's crap! If someone's arm is broken worse than yours does that take away from your own pain. Would it make you feel any better to know that your friend had the flu worse than you did? If it does I think there's probably something severely wrong with you. Don't you expect people to recognize that you have pains? Of course you shouldn’t think you're the only one in the world with problems, and you shouldn't think that other people's problems don't matter because of your own problems. But I've never been that way. If anything my problems have taught me to look at other people's problems and almost be able to feel what they're going through because I know how it feels to be sad, to be in pain, to be scared, and to feel hopeless. I guess what I want is for people to listen to my pain and care about what I'm going through without giving me some sort of cheer up your too young to feel sad lecture. Because I am so sick and tired of hearing those messages. They don't help me feel any better; all they do is irritate me. If what you want to do or how you want to react when I feel upset is to tell me to trust God, or to think about how other people have worse problems than me, or to just be positive then you're wasting your breath because I've heard it enough and I'm just tired of it.

I'm not really sure where I'm going in life. I think that's what has me the most scared right now. I think that's why there are all these emotions inside of me. I'm just lost right now. The more I think about the next semester, the more I think about how much there is now between me and graduation. And then I start thinking about graduation and what happens after it. I start thinking how am I going to learn to drive, where am I going to live, how am I ever going to survive? The more I look forward, the more I long to go back. I want to go back to a time when life just seemed easier. I mean my life never truly seemed easy, my life hasn't exactly been roses and cupcakes. But there was a time when I didn't constantly stress; there was a time when I still remembered what it meant to feel happy. It's not like I want to lose those times, I want to be happy. It just seems to be so hard for me. Not necessarily because of my life or the circumstances in it, I just don't seem to be able to feel those emotions anymore. Right now I long for energy. I long for the stamina to do all the things I need to do, and all the things I want to do. Because even during break my exhaustion is so overwhelming that I didn't do half the things I wanted to. I suppose it doesn't help that I have nothing much to look forward to when going back. I don't entirely like my roommate situation, as one of my roommates severely tests my patience. And to be perfectly honest I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. Sure I had a group of friend’s freshman year, and then their group fell apart. Then last year I felt all alone but I had Marlaina and Whitney. Then of course Marlaina had to leave because all of my friends end up having to leave me. Then for a while all I had was Whitney. Then coming back this year I started kind of having my group from freshman year again. Sure there were still issues but at least we were hanging out again. But Whitney, I don't know we just haven't been the same this year. So I don't have Marlaina, I don't really enjoy one of my roommates, the other roommate is hardly ever around, the people I hang out with are okay but there's a lot of drama going on. I just don't feel like I have anyone to talk to anymore, and with everything I'm going through right now that is really really hard for me. So even though at home sometimes I have to deal with irritating sisters and fighting, at least I have people to be around, at least I have people to talk to. So I guess that's the thing I'm dreading the most about going back. Of course I'm dreading the lack of sleep, the getting up early, the insurmountable piles of homework and the stress, but the thing I'm dreading the most is the loneliness. So here's to trying to enjoy the last couple days of break. I'll try to enjoy pets cuddled up against me, my sisters incessant laughing, and having my mom to talk to, because in a few days I'll be completely alone again. So I guess right now all I can do is try to survive another semester. Let's hope I make it through this one.