2010

So I've been planning for a while to write a sort of reflecting on the year kind of post and since it is officially 2011 I figured it was as good a time as any. 2010 was definitely a difficult year for me. My brain tends to think in term of school years so when I think about my life right now I think about the past semester. But then I have to remind myself that 2010 was an entire year that extends far beyond the past semester. This means that 2010 included second semester of last school year. When I think about that semester it hurts me inside. I know I made so many mistakes, and I ended up being kicked out of the dorms because of them. I lost friends, I manipulated people, I did everything I had to to gain the release that I wanted without ever giving any thought to other people and their feelings. For this I am truly ashamed. But it was also a year of growth. I discovered so many things about myself that I may never have discovered if it weren't for the depression. I learned what helps me cope, I learned some of my flaws, and I also discovered some of my gifts. I learned that there are friends who will always be there for you, and there are friends who will run away as soon as you have troubles. I realize that those kind of friends aren't really friends to begin with. I learned that I can't always please people, and I need to stop living as though it's everyone else's feelings that matter.

At one point this year I was at rock bottom. I did not want to live, had a plan and I had the means. Overdosing became a weekly occurrence, as somehow it became a coping mechanism for the pain I held inside. The stress from school was overwhelming me, and my health was deteriorating. I also was having massive ups and downs in my mood, and I didn't know how to control them. In March of 2010 I ended up in a psychiatric hospital. It was probably the most miserable experience of my entire life. I felt like I was being labeled as a freak, and I didn't think that anyone would ever look at me in the same light as they had before. I thought only a loser ends up in a mental health hospital. I also had the dread of knowing my family was ashamed of me, and the school was definitely going to kick me out of the dorms if not out of school altogether as soon as I actually found freedom again. It was one of the longest weeks of my life, and it is certainly not something I ever wish to relive. As I had predicted I was kicked out of the dorms, forcing me to live at home in an environment that I don't particularly enjoy being in. I am ashamed of my actions in the past year, and I am also angry that it has been so difficult to shake that image. The image of the girl who was depressed and who always has to be watched because you are afraid that she's going to do something stupid. I am not that girl anymore. I have grown in so many ways, and I just want people to see that, to stop judging me for what I was, and realize what I have become. That is the one thing that I hope to achieve in 2011.

It has been a long time since I last cut. For this I am very proud of myself. It was probably the best semester I have had since being in college. The first time I can say that I went a semester without cutting, without overdosing, without getting into trouble with the school, without taking incompletes, and having actually fulfilled the chapel requirement. I completed the semester with a 3.7 GPA despite the fact that it was a very difficult semester emotionally and physically.

One of the greatest discoveries of 2010 was my passion for art. As a kid I was always kind of crafty, I did enjoy coloring and drawing. But it wasn't until last year that I truly realized that art was something that I was not only good at, but something I found an emotional release in. If it weren't for art, I don't know if I would've made it through last year. It was the wait for the art supplies to arrive in the mail that kept me alive. I would buy an art supply off of the Amazon, and tell myself this package will arrive in three days so you have to live that much longer. So I can truly say that I owe my life to art. I discovered that I love painting and I've done several beautiful drawings and paintings that I am actually proud of. And of course I continue to utilize my gifts in writing to form a powerful release when things get all too overwhelming. My collection of art stuff has grown, in 2011 I'd like to continue focusing on my art. In fact I'd like to make sure I actually make time for my art work. I know that the semesters get overwhelming, but if I make myself so busy that I'm not using my releases, then surely I risk failing again.

I honestly don't believe in setting New Year's resolutions. In my opinion all you are doing is setting yourself up for failure. No one can make a promise to themselves and immediately be able to keep. Improving the self is a lifelong process, not something you can just do overnight. But I do believe it is okay to set goals for the year, as long as you realize that failure at first is okay. So this year I want to continue to improve myself. I want to add on the days that I haven't cut, I want to learn to not break down, and to not let the stress get overwhelming the way it often does. I want to come out of my shell, so that I could make friends so I do not feel as lonely at school as I did the previous semester. Most of all I want to continue showing people that I have changed. I want to continue growing, to continue discovering who I am as a person, and to continue in my path towards healing. So here's hoping for a year of victory.