Love is in the air

Love is in the air, or so it seems. Seems people all around me are married or engaged. I've gotten three wedding group invites in the past several weeks. And admist all that happiness I can't help but wonder, will it ever be me? I know I've written about this before, but it's kind of a reoccuring feeling. I tell myself sometimes I really don't care that I've never really had a relationship. But then other times, I look around me and see other happy people and think, you know I really want that. I've never felt special, not to myself and not to others. I feel kind of average in everything. The only thing I hold onto as a gift is my writing, and as it turns out I've had zero luck getting published even in small magazines. I wonder what about me will ever stand out in someone's eyes. Is there really someone out there for everyone, or am I destined to always be alone? I have very few friends, I get rather lonely. I spend alot of my time alone. Not really because I want to be alone, but just because no one really wants to be around me. Which I get it ok. I'm too depressed. I'm too blunt with people so it comes out rude. I'm overly dramatic sometimes, and I must confess sometimes in my depression I take advantage of other people. To be honest I can see myself getting in a relationship and then driving the person away being too suspicious and dependent. I'm that way, I have so few friends that I get very paranoid with the ones I have. Even the ones who actually hang out with me, I constantly wonder....do I really mean something to this person? I want to believe they do, but something broke inside of me a long time ago. And lately I have become overly concerned with looks. I have this discoloration on my cheek, which the dermatologist told me could be a permanent change in pigmintation. Or it could go away but who knows how long that'll take. I have an cyst on my chest, what could very well be a permanent scar in a rather intimate place. I have scars I'll someday have to explain. Which on a side note it's been over 80 days now. I'm too lazy to count it up right now. I'm afraid of what comes after college, afraid that all my friends will go back to their respective states and I'll never hear from them again. I barely hear from people now, I guess they have a life. I have a friend who said she'd call me on my birthday, I'm debating of whether I should subtley remind her, or if I should just wait and see if she actually follows through. I do that, I test people. Twisted of me I guess, it's my own game of prove you care that I do sometimes. A habit I suppose I should break if I ever want someone to dare enter my life and stay there. I look forward to tomorrow, I might be able to see high school friends who at one point I thought perhaps had fallen off the face of the earth, although I suppose I've done the same in my own right. I am wondering when the pieces fall into place, when the prayers get answered. God listens right? I wonder how long He'll be silent. Or am I just too challenged to hear him? I'm sick of foodbank food. Sick of knowing I am now uninsured and my health is on the line. Afraid that as the bipolar meds run out I'll go back into the darkness that tried to choke out my life sophomore year. I'm running out of steam, running out of desire. I need someone or something to come into my life and make me feel alive again. I pray that God will bring someone into my life. A new friend, or perhaps an old one that's lost touch. I pray that there is someone out there for me, that I wont die alone, the crazy rat lady. I hope, I pray, I try to hang on.