The endless cycle of beating yourself up

Right now I am doing my best to stop beating myself up, but it's not really working. I am way too harsh on myself, and I realize this, but I guess it's a hard habit to break. It is Christmas break. Right now, I should be completely care free. I shouldn't have to stress about assignments or schedules, and when my sisters beg to spend time with me I should be able to do so without feeling guilty later. But no, here I am with a huge list of things I need to get done, and doing nothing but stressing that my time is running out. Even on Christmas I wasn't fully able to enjoy myself because I kept thinking that I had more work than I could ever get done. Thanks to my stupidity, I am the only person on Christmas break who still has to think about research and papers. I swore I was going to do better this semester, but again I let my fibromyalgia and depression win. Thanks to my selfish mistake, I haven't just punished myself, I've punished my family. I hardly get to spend time with my sisters anymore, and this was supposed to be the period of time where we could hang out and play Sims 3 for hours and just stop worrying about life. But since I was so tired all the time, and missed classes, and then let my depression spiral out of control and missed even more classes, I became too behind to pass my classes. My only real option was to take an incomplete. My teachers all understood, and told me they thought it was the best thing for me. I mean I suppose if I had really pushed myself, I might have been able to catch up and not need an incomplete, but it would have meant putting myself under so much stress that I don't think I could have coped in my current frame of mind. I know it isn't such a bad thing to take an incomplete, and I know it doesn't mean I failed, but I feel so stupid right now. Instead of a peaceful break I'm making schedules and feeling guilty for any moment I take for myself. I'm wondering how I am ever going to survive next semester with the lingering assingments that will remain from this one. Next semester I will still have to make up three tests, and there is a chance that I might wait and write my final paper for stats next semester as well, since I didn't get a chance to do the SPSS portion yet and I'm kind of at a lost at what to do. In reality, I know that I don't have to do anything during break. I could take this time to be with family, and let my health recover. But I know that if I let all of these assignments carry over into next semester, when I have a whole new crop of papers and worksheets, I might not be able to survive. I guess what I need to learn to do is first forgive myself for falling behind this semester, and then work at my own pace, and not worry so much about deadlines because in reality my deadline isn't the end of Christmas break, it's the end of the next semester. While it may mean a little extra work next semester, I know that I need this break now to get myself into a stable enough place both physically and mentally to survive another semester. I'm really just starting to think I'm not cut out for this college thing. It scares me, it stresses me out, I never have enough energy, and this is the second time I've had to take incompletes in order to survive. And then on top of all of this, the biggest thing on my mind right now is that next semester when I return to NNU, I wont have Marlaina there excited to see me, giving me a big hug, and making me feel like I am important. I'll come back to my empty room, close the door, and could probably stay in there for days without anyone even caring.

last christmas

Last Christmas together
a family torn to pieces
like the many scraps
of bright colored paper
left tattered on the floor
remnants of a happy time
now destroyed and trampled
once something beautiful
encompassing hidden treasures
now disregarded
and damaged beyond repair

Christmas

Is it really possible to be depressed on Christmas? I don't understand why I feel this way. Nothing in my life is really that bad. I mean yeah, I don't have the greatest home life, andI struggle with my health, but there are plenty of people in the world who have way worse lives, so I have no excuse to be depressed. Today was just about as perfect as you can ask for in this family. There wasn't really much fighting. We opened presents, and everyone was happy. I got the sixth season of Reba, so I now own all the seasons, and I got the first season of this show I used to love called Hope and Faith. I also got this awesome giant green googly ball, or so the label calls it. I'm sure you've seen the smaller ones, they're these balls that when you squeeze them they make this bubble. Anyways, this one is vibrant green and it's probably the size of a bowling ball. I told my mom I wanted one because when I get anxious or upset I like to do something with my hands, and they have one in the counselors office that I like to play with. I also got playdoh, which again I asked for because I enjoy playing with it and it helps me feel better when I'm stressed. So overall it was a pretty good day. I snuggled into a pile of warm blankets and watched an entire disk of Hope and Faith. I ate a delicious home cooked meal, and trust me I spend the entire year looking forward to this meal because my mom doesn't cook very often. I watched a movie snuggled on the couch with my family. Nothing is wrong. And yet here I am in my room feeling overwhelmed, anxious, depressed, and hopeless. It's this deep sorrowful feeling that eats away at you until there is nothing left. It doesn't need a reason to come, and it seems to show itself without warning. I spend so much of my life afraid. Afraid of what comes next in life, and wondering how I will ever truly find my place in this world. Every little task leaves me feeling overwhelmed and inadequate. Even now, I am worrying more about the hw I still haven't done and next semester's workload than I am concerned with enjoying Christmas with my family. I am tired of feeling this way. I want to understand why I can't just stop feeling depressed, why this has to be such a battle for me. I'm tired of getting upset or feeling like I just want to end life, and not understanding why I feel this way. I just want to be able to enjoy life without all this fear and depression. I'm just not sure how it'll ever happen.

Emotional Roller Coaster

I can't even describe the emotions I am feeling right now: dread, fear, anxiety, stress, overwhelmed, heartbroken, confused, hopeful, and nervous, just to name a few.

I am heartbroken because I had to leave all my friends at the dorms, and go home. Instead of being in the lobby watching movies with people who I truly feel love and support me, I am home where I feel empty and alone. I feel the tensions in the air of parents that don't really love eachother, I feel the sting of each insult my dad makes, I feel completely alone. When I'm here, I know that if I'm upset or overwhelmed, I have no one to turn to. And that's a scary feeling. Because as much as I know that I need to learn to stand on my own two feet, I still don't know that I trust myself. The emotions are choking me and my whole body is fighting the urge to cut, or worse, to overdose again. What makes it worse is that I know I easily could. I have all my pills again, I have knives and razors in easy access, and I have no one to hold me accountable. I never really wanted to admit to myself that this is such a strong addiction, but it is. It seems to dominate a portion of my life and that's a really scary feeling. Sometimes I feel out of control, and if it weren't for the people at school God so lovingly placed in my life, I don't know that I would be able to stop myself. So being home is bittersweet.

I guess it might seem silly to feel like I'm leaving people when school is in Nampa and I'm in Kuna, but it truly is leaving my home. Home is a place where you feel love and supported, and where you have people you care about. To use the cliche, home is where you heart is. And I truly feel like my heart is at NNU. My family...is at NNU. And even though I don't live far away from school, plenty of my friends do. So I had to say goodbye to friends knowing they would be far away and that I'd have no way of seeing them for awhile. But what makes this particular Christmas break even more heartbreaking, is that some of my friends aren't coming back. Right now, Marlaina is such an important person in my life. Maybe we lean on eachother too much, but we have this connection and we just know how to lift eachother up. Even though I know she is only an hour away and that she intends to visit, I also know that plans change and there is a very good chance that she wont be coming back to NNU, that I wont see her very often. I keep thinking of all the little things. I know I'm not supposed to, that it doesn't do any good to worry and stress about the future, but I keep thinking about how she was the main person I spent time with, and the main person I sat with at meals. I keep wondering how I am supposed to survive next semester without her. My friend Amanda isn't coming back either, and she was the other person that I would sit with and hang out with when I was lonely. I know I'm making progress and I'm getting to know people in my dorms more, but it is still really painful to think about losing my friends.

I'm also really worried about my mom. First, she just found out that she has COPD. Which I guess is pretty manageable, but it still sucks that she is having health problems. She also is having issues with her vision. I can't remember what she said it is called, but basically it is a problem with the veins in her eyes. On top of that, there is fluid pressing on the back of her eyes. At this point, the doctors say they will need to keep a close watch on it, that there is a chance it could just clear up on it's own, but there is also a chance she could become legally blind in the one eye. This is all very emotional for me, because I don't know what is going on and I hate that my mom is dealing with health problems and I am helpless to do anything about it. I'm worried because there is also something going on with her circulation. I know it's not my burden and I shouldn't worry so much, but it is incredibly hard not to.

Finally, there's the phone call I got from my mom wednesday night. She was a bit of an emotional wreck. She told me she was laying there in bed and couldn't sleep, asked me if I could talk. I told her I could, I could sense something was wrong, but I wasn't prepared for what she said next. She told me that she was laying there thinking about how much of a jerk my dad had been that day, and she couldn't help thinking, how much longer do I want this to go on? She told me she didn't think he was ever going to change, and that she thought it was time she talked to figured out what she had to do to survive on her own, to separate from him. She isn't saying they will get divorced, just that she thinks they need a trial separation. But she did say she didn't see him ever changing enough that she would want to be married to him again. She got married too young, she had never dated before my dad, and he was nice for awhile. But he thought of himself as having saved her since she grew up poor, and he never let her live that down. He says she is negative and is never happy, but she told me she is happy when she isn't with him. She just can't see things ever being any better. Now that she is dealing with her health problems, she wants a husband that will support her. If she was diagnosed with something serious, she told me she couldn't imagine dad being any support. All he does is make her feel worthless and she is tired of it. What I heard in my mom that night was a broken person, the fragile shell of the person she once was. I think I've seen this coming for years, and in fact there have been many times when I have wished for it...but hearing my mom talk about it...it was more painful than I ever could of imagined. I was in the middle of walmart with my friends, and I made it over to Marlaina, and collapsed in tears. I spent a good hour crying while my mom went spilled her guts out to me and my friends held my hands. My dad has said some horrible things over the years, and my mom told me about things I didn't know about and couldn't believe he would say. Like when she was pregnant and on bed rest because they were afraid she'd miscarry, my dad told her, "If I were you I'd freaking be doing jumping jacks, you already have one screwed up kid why would you want to bring another one into the world". I couldn't believe a husband would say something so insensitive to his wife. He is in complete denial. Whenever you say he hurt you with something you've said, he says you are being too sensitive or he denies he ever said it. My mom would like to go to therapy with him, and work out their problems, but the thing is, if you don't think you have a problem counseling doesn't do much good. So I sat on a bench in walmart crying. Then I called Whitney and cried somemore on the way home. Finally I was able to get a hug from Whitney and get my tears under control, while she did her best to calm me. She actually seemed excited, said this is a good thing, that she doesn't think it is any coincidence that my mom came to this conclusion the same day we had a very powerful prayer session.

I know in my heart, that in the end, this could be the best thing for our family, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. I am hopeful this could make life better for both my mom and my sisters, but at the same time, I am scared of the road ahead. At the same time, I'm afraid that my mom will lose her will power. That she'll talk to my dad and somehow, he'll talk her out of it. And then our family will go right back to how it is now, two miserable parents who fight all the time and a mom who is being emotionally abused. I don't think I could handle that. But I can't stop thinking of all the little things. How will Katie handle this? Who will help my sisters get ready for school in the mornings? How will my mom handle the finances? Will we be able to keep our house? What if my dad stops helping me pay for school? What if he gets really mad? What if..what if...what if? That's all that is going through my head right now. My mom is going to wait until after the holidays, so even though things are really tense at my house right now, and I am on emotional overload, I have to just keep it all inside and pretend like everything is fine. I go back to school Janually 11th, I wonder if my mom will of talked to my dad by then. I wonder if she will ever actually talk to him. I wonder why I'm so freaking upset that I randomly start crying without warning. My dad treats me like crap and I hate coming home because of him, so why am I so heartbroken that my parents could be getting a divorce? To top things off, despite all of this emotion, I have to somehow focus on school work because unlike the intelligent people who are on Christmas break, I screwed up this semester so I have to get several assignments done over break in order to pass my classes. I am on this endless emotional roller coaster ride, and I can't stop beating myself up. The ride is getting old and I'm getting sick, but I can't seem to make it stop. If I can survive Christmas break without giving in to my depression...it will be a miracle.

Doctors

Last night I had the most massive anxiety attack I've had in awhile. I was completely freaking out. I wanted to cry, and I wanted to cut. Part of it was stressed induced. I knew I had two finals on Wednesday, and I hadn't studied nearly enough. It was getting close to four o clock in the morning, and I was still so stressed I couldn't fall asleep. So I was lying there in bed crying, and replaying all of these awful memories in my head. I was replaying times my dad has hurt me, and some of the things he has said over the years. I was remember all the drama that happened last year, all the people who have hurt me. I was getting mad at myself, beating myself up because here I was still awake at four in the morning, so I could have been studying for hours. But I wasn't. I knew that today I had a doctors appointment, and that I wouldn't be able to start studying until late. So I was getting really mad at myself, feeling like a complete failure. I found a staple on my desk, and I sat there in bed tears pouring down my face, clutching that tiny metal staple. I wanted to cut so bad, and I spent a good ten minutes fighting with myself. I eventually put the staple down, but only because I knew that the doctors would probably see my arms today and I didn't want to raise suspicions. Now it is almost eight o cock, I have two finals tomorrow, and I could have been studying since six. But I still haven't started. I am at that point where I am so stressed out and overwhelmed, that I just shut down and don't want to do anything anymore. So while I am hating myself for being such a loser, I still can't seem to make myself sit down and study. I'm so anxious and I just don't want to face the future anymore.

Because of my massive screw up this semester, I am going to have to take an incomplete. Which means while everyone else is relaxing over Christmas break, I will still be stressing out and trying to get assignments done. I feel like a complete failure for putting myself in this position.

Then I'm annoyed. I went to the doctor today, has seven viles of blood taken, and now have a massive bruise on my arm. All of this is pretty much for nothing, because they are still telling me that while my gastroparesis is severe, there really is nothing they can do for me. So I have some new over the counter meds to try, but other than that I have nothing to show for today's appointment. I'm so tired of going to doctors and always being told that there is nothing they can do for me. For once I'd like answers, I'd like a cure.

make up

Sometimes when I'm feeling bad about myself, I take extra time getting ready. Put on eye shadow and my new eye liner and mascara. I straighten my hair and put on one of my favorite tops. In theory this was a good practice. It meant that when I was down and upset, I could easily make myself feel just a little better about myself. But the problem is, now if I don't put on make up I feel ugly. If I don't straighten my hair, I feel like it's poofy and everyone will think I'm ugly. No matter what shirt I wear I feel fat and ugly, and it feels like I have to take time to get ready or else I'm just not good enough. I guess I'm getting to a place where I feel like just me isn't enough. I like when I get dressed up and people notice me, but I want to believe that me...just naturally how I am, is a beautiful person that people can and do notice. I'm tired of feeling invisible.

Hell Week

We are in that portion of the year when no one is getting enough sleep, everyone is getting sick from the stress, and most people have at least one breakdown. Not exactly the best environment for someone struggling with severe depression and anxiety. I get to this place where I am so stressed and overwhelmed by everything that needs to be done, that I just shut down so nothing gets done. Which in reality does absolutely nothing to help the stress so I really don't know why I do that.

All and all Hell week hasn't been going to bad. I've been consistenly getting everything on my to do list for the day done, and haven't freaked out much. Then for some reason today, I felt like I was losing my mind. First, I had a three hour final in statistics lab. It was torture, and I was about ready to run out of that class crying. Then, I had a very emotional appointment with my new counselor, in which I shared the very personal letter I had to write for hw to my dad, and we both cried. Then, I got the headache of all headaches, and came back to the dorms feeling sick and miserable. It was at that point that I realized I really hadn't eaten in two days. I do that when I get in my depressed modes, which I've been in lately. So after forcing myself to eat a little, I realized that it was after seven, and I hadn't even started on hw yet.

Thankfully, I have an amazing wing, the gals I live with are so amazing. First I had a nice chat with my friend, and then once she helped me calm down some I went into the lobby to work on hw. I took my new anxiety med, which made me feel really calm and sleepy, which was nice but also made it hard to focus. When I went into the lobby there were two other gals out there, one of which had just had a cry fest and we had a nice long chat which ended in watching a funny comedy act. With this mood lifter I was able to get my hw done, take a shower, and now I am feeling relatively calm and I think I will be able to get to bed soon. I'm not going to want to get up tomorrow morning for class, and I still don't know how I am going to get everything done, but I don't have to go home this weekend, and at least for now I feel okay.

Chapel...thinking about God

Yesterday's message at chapel contained alot of things that I really needed to hear. But I think my favorite part of the message was the idea of God as vulnerable. He put himself in the most vulnerable position by allowing us free will. Because He wants us to accept Him as father and pour our love on to him, but He gave us free will, even though He knew that meant that some of his children would reject him.

An all powerful being
vulnerable to my free will
wanting nothing more
than to hold me
surround me will His spirit
and hold my heart in His hands
I deny Him that love
putting walls around my heart
in the name of protection
when in reality all I am doing
is forming a prison for myself
sure I keep those who might hurt me
from stabbing my heart
but I also deny love
from entering my life
I stop feeling
ignore God
try to do things on my own
create a bleak existance
cry out, "where is God?"
When He is all around me
Has never left my side
I just have to be willing
to unlock the prison doors
hand Him the keys
and finally let Him
Be in control again

Seed

A seed thrown carelessly
left to fall
between the crevices
of two cement slabs
it tries to follow
natures course
drive its roots
into the ground
find nourishment
from the earth
but all it finds
is dry sand
no rich soil in which to grow
no depths of land
to establish life
oh little seed
it takes great strength
to flourish
where no seed should
to extend your leaves
reach for the sky
and see the world as good
society would see you die
nature says you should
and still you stand
brilliant and strong
embracing life
accepting your ill-fit home
and lack of care
proving to the world
that even in the darkest places
against all odds
light can be found
and you can persevere

Ghosts

Ghosts from my past
haunt me by day
at night they linger
above my bed
creep into my dreams
always one step behind me
a shadow
I can never escape
sometimes I scream
for them to go away
find a final resting place
far away from me
but these ghosts are stubborn
refuse to find a grave
the undead
the restless
never letting go
I formed them
brought them to life
created this nightmare
sustained them with my lies
and now I can't lay them to rest
I sprinkle holy water
cast them away in God's name
but still they always return
sneak into my thoughts
even on my deathbed
taking my last breath
these ghosts will follow me
until I reach heaven's gates
and God forgives me my debt
only then will the chain
between me and my past
finally rust
break
and fade into the distance