struggling

As much as I don't want to admit it, I am struggling. I want to be fine, to prove to people that I am a different person. I know that if I am the person I was last year, the few friends I have left will turn on me. Believe it or not, people don't like downers. As much as I need a support group, as much as I need friends who will love and understand, I don't feel like I have anyone. Because everytime I trust I end up pushing the friend away with my so called negativity. People expect me to be fine. So that's what I'm trying to be.

But unfortunately it's not working. Guess what? I'm bipolar....and as much as I hate it, this is most likely going to be something I battle with the rest of my life. That means, if you want to be my friend, you have to be willing to be there during the ups, and the downs. I don't want to be down anymore than you want me to be, but sometimes no matter how hard I try to fight it, my mood drops and there really isn't much I can do but wait it out.

So I sit at my computer, playing my depression music and crying my eyes out. I haven't cut in over two hundred days. You'd think it'd get easier, but I still find it a constant battle not to give in every time I get down, or stressed, or in pain.

I'm tired God. I'm tired of fighting. I'm not strong enough to do this. My pain is getting worse again, my mood is crashing, I'm stressed and tired, I've had a headache every day for over a month now, and I'm just miserable. I can't handle school, I'm tired of facing my phobias, and I'm just overall tired of life. Tired of a dysfunctional family, tired of pain. TIRED. I want to let go so bad. But then I get told think about what it'll do to people. Think about family and friends. And then this part of my mind goes, screw them. Why should I have to hang on for people who walk away from me every time I get down?

You know what's funny. No one cares when you are manic. When you are in the highs people just think you are hyper and fun. In many ways it is miserable...but nobody worries and nobody cares. But god forbid you go to the other end of the spectrum, and suddenly not only do people get really concerned, but they get turned off. They don't want to be around you anymore. Just something I've noticed...and find kind of ironic. Because both ends are part of the same illness. And seriously...I am still me. That doesn't change. Rebecca is always still in here someplace. So why can't you care enough to stay around?

The Amazing Katie

It's the wonderful, the Amazing...Katie Elizabeth Schreiber in her latest performance. Our church was invited to have the kids sing at a childrens conference, so a team was put together and of course Katie was chosen as one of them. I love sharing her singing...she has a gift but more importantly she has a desire to use that gift for God

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swx3RXGSFt0

Do You?

Do you think God still loves me, even though sometimes I lay down against the cool tiles of my bedroom, close my eyes, and dream of all the ways I could leave this earth? Do you think God still loves me, despite the fact that sometimes I long for death more than I can bear? Or that I hold a pair of scissors to my wrist desperately fighting the urge to dig it into my flesh, and let the blood flow freely? Do you think God can forgive me, for wanting to return the gift of life He's given me. I wonder if he is ashamed to call me his daughter. If he sees a mistake when he looks at me. I wonder....if I can forgive me. Does the world see me as worthless, or is it just me?

Jealousy

Okay, so I admit it, I have jealousy issues. Not the best problem to have, but hey at least I admit it. You see, I have such a strong desire to be anybody other than me, and because of that I grow jealous of people who are more outgoing, more artistic, etc. For instance, sometimes I’m jealous of my sister, because she is such an amazing singer. And she’s doing things I never could…singing solos in front of hundreds of people. Or I look at the facebook photo albums of some of my friends, and see pictures of them going to social events, being involved, and actually having an amazing college experiences. I don’t have those. I’m a junior now and I haven’t done anything amazing. I haven’t gotten involved. I’ve barely even gone to social functions. I’m still a loner, who has very few friends, and even with the few friends I have I spend a pathetic amount of time alone. I’m the girl who skips meals because I’m too scared to go to the dex alone. I’m the person who sits alone at chapel and timeout because I have no one to be with. I’m the girl whose story is barely worth listening to it’s so boring. I am insignificant. We will graduate, we will move on with our lives. I won’t become anything amazing, and I’m sure no one from school will even remember me in a matter of years. I’ll just be yet another nobody who’s walked these halls.

Pretending

I pretend not to care. I pretend to be disgusted when I see couples display affection, and I try to make believe that I don’t care that I’m not going to TWIRP or that I am single. But the truth is I do care. I’m jealous of the people going to TWIRP because I want to be able to. I want to be the kind of person who would be brave enough to ask someone, and who would actually enjoy it. I’m not though. Even if I liked someone I would never have enough courage to ask, and I would be miserable at a social function like that. But I want so badly to be the kind of person that can do those things. I want to be someone who doesn’t get anxious about every little thing. And I am tired of having to plan every moment of my life, thinking about things like when to take which med and how what I do today will affect how bad I feel tomorrow. I just want to be free. And maybe I don’t really have any desire to be in relationship. Honestly I think it can just be an unnecessary stressor in college. I think it’s more I like the idea of someone loving me. I want to be special to someone. I want to be the reason someone’s day is brightened…to have someone who desires being with me. I don’t have any of those things and as much as I pretend not to care….I really do. More than anyone will ever know.

Reality

How do I know what’s real
How do I hear your voice
When can I see your arms
Reaching out to me
When I slip
When I’m falling
How do I know
Anyone will catch me
Before I meet my death

Voices

Shadows lurking
In my mind
Haunting me
In the night
Voices
Weaving lies
Hands reaching
Offering false comfort
Smiles gleaming
Taunting me as I sleep
Figures in the distance
Refuse to go away
I close my eyes
I pinch my arm
I yell
I scream
But no matter what I do
I cannot wake from this dream

Can you?

Can you hear
God whispering
reaching out his hand
gently wrapping
his arms around you
wiping away your tears
can you see the footprints
He leaves beside your path
do you feel His love
raining down on you
if you start to run
He quickens His pace
If you try to close your eyes
He wraps you in his embrace
when you try to escape God's love
He simply tries harder
to meet your Gaze

Breathe your last

Drag the blade
Across your wrist
Swallow the pills
Take a daring leap
Into the abyss
Pull the life cord
Breath your last
End this test
You’ll never pass

Actions

Have you ever really stopped
To think
About the consequences
Of your actions
Do your acts
Cause joy
People gravitating
To your light
Or do you crush
People in your path
Leave a war torn heart
Do you show
The love of God
Or are you
The reason
They do not

Sanity

My mind is foggy
a dizzying melody
twisting and turning
through the crevices of my mind
trying to focus
left no right
now up
no down
turning turning
sanity nowhere to be found

Legacy

If I were to die today
Let my last life’s breath
Flutter by
How would you remember me?
Would I leave a legacy?
Do I leave a ghost
That’s full of tears
Remorse
And crippling fears
Would I leave
A tickle of joy
Bright smiles
And warmth
Would I leave a wake of pain
People wishing
They could have changed the past
When I finally breathe my last
Will people remember
Who I was
When I was bent
Broken
Shattered on the floor
Or will they remember the person
I’m trying to become
A voice of hope in this world
Sadly I have to ask
Will you remember me at all?

Butterfly

So I haven't posted anything in awhile. Don't see the point really, it's not like anyone actually reads this. But more for me than anything else, I decided to share the poems I've written recently. It's the first time I've written anything since before my hospitalization last school year. I thought for awhile I had lost my gift, that maybe I could only write when I was in the dark place. But I'm realizing I just have to begin to learn to feed off of different emotions than I was before.


I want to be a butterfly
Break free from my cocoon
Struggling against
The weight of life
Trying to transform
But everyone keeps telling me
I will never change
While I try to gain
My wings
They mock me as I squirm
Why don’t you believe in me
Why can’t you see
Just like every caterpillar
I’m trying to break free
You can doubt me all you want
But you can’t change
Nature’s course
Regardless of what you
Think of me
I too
Shall break these chains
Spread my wings
And fly