Longing for love

I was walking across campus today, heading to my six-o-clock class. I hadn't eaten much all day: some coffee, a handful of swedish fish, and a few miniscule peices of meat from the stir fry at lunch. Hunger knawed at me, and I felt a bit lightheaded. As I walked in this hunger-struck daze, I was looking around, taking in everything I saw, when suddenly I realized that everywhere I looked there were couples. Hugging, holding hands, even sneaking a kiss or two before class. As I watched one couple in particular (in a totally non-creepy way) the emptiness in my stomach instead became an emptiness in my heart, and I began to think, why not me? Don't I deserve someone to love me? To truly love me, despite my flaws (and trust me there are plenty), despite my deep scars and unstable health. Someone to hold hands with as I walk across campus, someone who cares about what I have to say and longs for just one more kiss.

Some people would probably be surprised to hear me talk like that. For the most part, all I show is indifference to romance, and I usually utter a childish ew when couples act all lovey-dovey in front of me. But at the same time, it isn't surprising at all. Every living things needs love. Me? I crave it. To finally have someone truly love me would be the most amazing thing ever. No, i'm not saying I don't have people who love me now, I know if I said that I'd have lots of friends objecting, but the truth is, I don't think I've ever really known real love. I want it, I need it, but somehow I always come up empty. Friends, they are few and far between. It seems that everytime I put down my walls, let someone in, truly be myself around someone...I lose them. Either they suddenly stop hanging out with me as several of my friends from last year have...or else they do something to hurt me. The deepest hurt I've ever felt has been caused by friends I loved. Guess that's my fault though, I'm the flawed one. Other friends, they just get sick of me. They can't handle me anymore, my pain, my past, my problems. I become the burden. Just a few weeks ago my friend decided she was going to spend the night in my room. She's one of the few friends from last year I still deem a friend. When she told her friends (who used to be my closest friends last year) that she was staying the night with me, they said, "Are you sure you want to do that? You're already dealing with enough, you don't need to be burdened by her". That's what I am...a burden. So once again I coil back inside myself, say screw the world I don't need friends...but you can only go so long before that starts to be unbearable. So I stopped looking for love from friends, I'm tired of being hurt. I can't turn to family either. I mean sure, I love my family with all my heart. My sisters are amazing, and I know they adore me, but that kind of love just isn't the same. My mom and I have a great relationship for the most part, but she rarely shows me any affection, guess it's just not how she was raised. So that leaves my dad (I can already hear the scoffs or grunts of annoyance). My dad, who says he loves me with all his heart, that I'm the most precious thing in the world to him, and yet I've walked on eggshells around him my whole life. I guess I believe he loves me, but I don't really feel it. I mean it's hard to feel love amongst the pain, the your stupid, your ungrateful, your a failure, I give up on you, I don't even care about you anymore....the constant stream of hurtful things he says to me on an almost daily basis when I'm home. And when he's not hurting me (or hitting me) he's putting down my mom and my family and making our lives a living hell. He's telling me the dog's easier to love than anyone in our family. He's telling my mom marrying her was the biggest mistake he's ever made. And somehow amongst that I'm supposed to find love? So no, growing up I never really felt love. In my friendships, I haven't truly felt love, i guess I just don't let myself. And now, I'm craving love.

That's my biggest fear, that I'll die alone. I don't think anyone is ever going to truly love me, I'll always be the burden. I don't expect anyone to ever love me, I'm undeserving. I'm defective. I'm like the letters that are sent out, only to receive a big red stamp saying return to sender. I know why guys don't notice me, let's face it, there's nothing extraordinary about me. I know why I'll never get married, why no guy will ever chose me.

For one, I'm not good looking. I know appearances are far from being the most important thing in a relationship, but let's face it, we judge people before we even meet them based on how they look. I don't think too many guys are looking for someone with acne, missing teeth, and flab. I wouldn't want me...heck I don't want me. I look in the mirror everyday and hate what I see.

Second, I'm a downer. I know I am, that's why I lose so many friends. I struggle with depression, I'm a pessimist, and I have some issues that I don't think I'll ever overcome.

I'm also shy, terribly shy. Like...waiting for friends to pick me up cuz we made plans sets my heart beating faster at the prospect of being social. I've tried for years to overcome this, but it doesn't seem like it will ever go away.

Finally, I'm sick. This is my biggest thing...the thing I've cried about a million times. Because in my heart I think, if you could chose from any girl in the world, why would you pick the one with Fibromyalgia, RSD, gastroparesis, carpal tunnel...and whatever other crap is wrong with me? Why would you pick the person who cringes at even the gentelest touch, because everything, EVERYTHING hurts. Why would you pick the person who is always tired.....who walks around in a half awake daze her entire life. Who doesn't have the strength to go out, who constantly needs naps, who can't focus, can't keep up? Would you want your life partner to have those qaulities? I certainly wouldn't.

So there you have it. I guess if love ever comes along, you can all say "I told you so" but I just don't see it ever happening. Maybe before I got sick, but not now. I crave love, I watch the couples on campus with envy, but I know it will never grace my presence.