Life

I'll start out by saying I don't know why I waste my time writing blogs that no one reads. I mines as well be writing for myself. But I guess at least it's a positive release for me.


It's a sad place to be
being me
hate where I am
don't know where I'm going
can't even find myself
inside my own skin
can't seem to ever find
the person within
tired of pain
tired of life
just wish I could find
a break from this strife

The Spring Semester is Upon Us

Well, I'm packing up my things and moving into the dorms sometime tomorrow. Another semester from hell is upon us. I know I should probably be more optimistic, but I honestly don't feel anything but dread when I think about the upcoming semester. I don't know what it is that makes this semester so much worse than others, it just is. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that next year is supposed to be our senior year. It's supposed to be the year where sure we have lots of stress, but then we graduate. But for me this won't be the case. Thanks to contracts and poor health I am going to have to go an extra semester, if not a whole year. Although I suppose in some ways I'm grateful for that extra semester. No I have no idea how I am going to afford an extra semester at the absurdly overpriced NNU. But, then again, I have no idea how I'm going to afford the real world either. Nor do I have any idea how I'm ever going to face it. Although I can tell you one thing, the desire to learn to drive has been growing stronger lately, even if it does still scare me quite a bit. I would like to try to learn to drive this summer, although if I go to camp again that might not be possible.
The more I start to think about the future, the more I start to fear. Last semester in one of my classes we were asked to envision where we would be five, ten, and even twenty years from now. And I couldn't do it. I saw nothing but darkness, nothing but despair. The truth is I have no idea where I'm going with my life. And sometimes that really scares me. Shouldn't I have some idea of what I want to do by now? I mean, if not why am I wasting this time in school to pursue a career when I don't even know what career I want to pursue? Oh how I wish there was some magic way of knowing exactly what I’m meant to do in this life. Where I’ll live, what I'll do for a living, who I'll marry: the yellow brick road to my future if you will. I understand there have to be obstacles in life, but couldn't we at least have some guidance? If God wants so badly for us to know him, then why the heck doesn't he make his presence known? Why did he make it such a mystery, why doesn't he just talk to us or make himself known? I don't understand why we should have to spend so much of our life searching for God. Why exactly is he hiding from us?
Sorry, I guess that was a bit of an off-topic ramble. It's just the more I think about school, the more I start to think about the future, and the more I start to think about the meaning of life. It's hard to believe I'm already 20 years old, and I still have no idea who I am as a person. I mean, I don't know about you, but I find that just a little unsettling. I'm scared of this semester. I'm so scared to have one of my teachers for the first time. I've heard nothing good about him, and from what I heard I think that he will be the source of many anxiety attacks this semester. I'm just not ready for another semester of reading, studying, writing papers, and doing the other things that being a college student involves. And I know I've complained about these things a million times. It's just as it gets closer the more the dread grows and the more my need to ramble about these things persists.
So I guess for now I'll just keep hoping for the best. The semester hasn't even begun yet, so I shouldn't start stressing so soon. I suppose I should go back to the living room now, and enjoy the little time I have left with my sisters. By this time tomorrow, I'll be back at the dorms. Let's just hope that turns out to be a good thing.

New semester

Well, Christmas break is quickly coming to an end. It is an end I hate to see come. I don't understand how three weeks of break can go by so fast when three weeks of school seem to last an eternity. I don't know why I am dreading going back the way I am. It's not that I necessarily hate school, although I certainly don't like it either, it's just something inside of me is not ready to go back. I can feel it in me. It's this dread that I can't explain. I guess I may never be able to explain it. I just, I'm tired is all. I'm tired of feeling this way all the time. I'm tired of being sick. I'm tired of being in pain. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not loved and that no one in the whole world knows how I feel. I know compared to other people my problems may seem petty but that doesn't mean they don't hurt me. It doesn't mean that my problems aren’t real. And that's the one thing people do and say that pisses me off the most. They think that they can tell me oh your problems aren't so bad, there are people in the world whose problems are so much worse than yours, and somehow that’s supposed to make me feel better. Or that it’s somehow supposed to eliminate the pain I hold inside. It's crap! If someone's arm is broken worse than yours does that take away from your own pain. Would it make you feel any better to know that your friend had the flu worse than you did? If it does I think there's probably something severely wrong with you. Don't you expect people to recognize that you have pains? Of course you shouldn’t think you're the only one in the world with problems, and you shouldn't think that other people's problems don't matter because of your own problems. But I've never been that way. If anything my problems have taught me to look at other people's problems and almost be able to feel what they're going through because I know how it feels to be sad, to be in pain, to be scared, and to feel hopeless. I guess what I want is for people to listen to my pain and care about what I'm going through without giving me some sort of cheer up your too young to feel sad lecture. Because I am so sick and tired of hearing those messages. They don't help me feel any better; all they do is irritate me. If what you want to do or how you want to react when I feel upset is to tell me to trust God, or to think about how other people have worse problems than me, or to just be positive then you're wasting your breath because I've heard it enough and I'm just tired of it.

I'm not really sure where I'm going in life. I think that's what has me the most scared right now. I think that's why there are all these emotions inside of me. I'm just lost right now. The more I think about the next semester, the more I think about how much there is now between me and graduation. And then I start thinking about graduation and what happens after it. I start thinking how am I going to learn to drive, where am I going to live, how am I ever going to survive? The more I look forward, the more I long to go back. I want to go back to a time when life just seemed easier. I mean my life never truly seemed easy, my life hasn't exactly been roses and cupcakes. But there was a time when I didn't constantly stress; there was a time when I still remembered what it meant to feel happy. It's not like I want to lose those times, I want to be happy. It just seems to be so hard for me. Not necessarily because of my life or the circumstances in it, I just don't seem to be able to feel those emotions anymore. Right now I long for energy. I long for the stamina to do all the things I need to do, and all the things I want to do. Because even during break my exhaustion is so overwhelming that I didn't do half the things I wanted to. I suppose it doesn't help that I have nothing much to look forward to when going back. I don't entirely like my roommate situation, as one of my roommates severely tests my patience. And to be perfectly honest I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. Sure I had a group of friend’s freshman year, and then their group fell apart. Then last year I felt all alone but I had Marlaina and Whitney. Then of course Marlaina had to leave because all of my friends end up having to leave me. Then for a while all I had was Whitney. Then coming back this year I started kind of having my group from freshman year again. Sure there were still issues but at least we were hanging out again. But Whitney, I don't know we just haven't been the same this year. So I don't have Marlaina, I don't really enjoy one of my roommates, the other roommate is hardly ever around, the people I hang out with are okay but there's a lot of drama going on. I just don't feel like I have anyone to talk to anymore, and with everything I'm going through right now that is really really hard for me. So even though at home sometimes I have to deal with irritating sisters and fighting, at least I have people to be around, at least I have people to talk to. So I guess that's the thing I'm dreading the most about going back. Of course I'm dreading the lack of sleep, the getting up early, the insurmountable piles of homework and the stress, but the thing I'm dreading the most is the loneliness. So here's to trying to enjoy the last couple days of break. I'll try to enjoy pets cuddled up against me, my sisters incessant laughing, and having my mom to talk to, because in a few days I'll be completely alone again. So I guess right now all I can do is try to survive another semester. Let's hope I make it through this one.

2010

So I've been planning for a while to write a sort of reflecting on the year kind of post and since it is officially 2011 I figured it was as good a time as any. 2010 was definitely a difficult year for me. My brain tends to think in term of school years so when I think about my life right now I think about the past semester. But then I have to remind myself that 2010 was an entire year that extends far beyond the past semester. This means that 2010 included second semester of last school year. When I think about that semester it hurts me inside. I know I made so many mistakes, and I ended up being kicked out of the dorms because of them. I lost friends, I manipulated people, I did everything I had to to gain the release that I wanted without ever giving any thought to other people and their feelings. For this I am truly ashamed. But it was also a year of growth. I discovered so many things about myself that I may never have discovered if it weren't for the depression. I learned what helps me cope, I learned some of my flaws, and I also discovered some of my gifts. I learned that there are friends who will always be there for you, and there are friends who will run away as soon as you have troubles. I realize that those kind of friends aren't really friends to begin with. I learned that I can't always please people, and I need to stop living as though it's everyone else's feelings that matter.

At one point this year I was at rock bottom. I did not want to live, had a plan and I had the means. Overdosing became a weekly occurrence, as somehow it became a coping mechanism for the pain I held inside. The stress from school was overwhelming me, and my health was deteriorating. I also was having massive ups and downs in my mood, and I didn't know how to control them. In March of 2010 I ended up in a psychiatric hospital. It was probably the most miserable experience of my entire life. I felt like I was being labeled as a freak, and I didn't think that anyone would ever look at me in the same light as they had before. I thought only a loser ends up in a mental health hospital. I also had the dread of knowing my family was ashamed of me, and the school was definitely going to kick me out of the dorms if not out of school altogether as soon as I actually found freedom again. It was one of the longest weeks of my life, and it is certainly not something I ever wish to relive. As I had predicted I was kicked out of the dorms, forcing me to live at home in an environment that I don't particularly enjoy being in. I am ashamed of my actions in the past year, and I am also angry that it has been so difficult to shake that image. The image of the girl who was depressed and who always has to be watched because you are afraid that she's going to do something stupid. I am not that girl anymore. I have grown in so many ways, and I just want people to see that, to stop judging me for what I was, and realize what I have become. That is the one thing that I hope to achieve in 2011.

It has been a long time since I last cut. For this I am very proud of myself. It was probably the best semester I have had since being in college. The first time I can say that I went a semester without cutting, without overdosing, without getting into trouble with the school, without taking incompletes, and having actually fulfilled the chapel requirement. I completed the semester with a 3.7 GPA despite the fact that it was a very difficult semester emotionally and physically.

One of the greatest discoveries of 2010 was my passion for art. As a kid I was always kind of crafty, I did enjoy coloring and drawing. But it wasn't until last year that I truly realized that art was something that I was not only good at, but something I found an emotional release in. If it weren't for art, I don't know if I would've made it through last year. It was the wait for the art supplies to arrive in the mail that kept me alive. I would buy an art supply off of the Amazon, and tell myself this package will arrive in three days so you have to live that much longer. So I can truly say that I owe my life to art. I discovered that I love painting and I've done several beautiful drawings and paintings that I am actually proud of. And of course I continue to utilize my gifts in writing to form a powerful release when things get all too overwhelming. My collection of art stuff has grown, in 2011 I'd like to continue focusing on my art. In fact I'd like to make sure I actually make time for my art work. I know that the semesters get overwhelming, but if I make myself so busy that I'm not using my releases, then surely I risk failing again.

I honestly don't believe in setting New Year's resolutions. In my opinion all you are doing is setting yourself up for failure. No one can make a promise to themselves and immediately be able to keep. Improving the self is a lifelong process, not something you can just do overnight. But I do believe it is okay to set goals for the year, as long as you realize that failure at first is okay. So this year I want to continue to improve myself. I want to add on the days that I haven't cut, I want to learn to not break down, and to not let the stress get overwhelming the way it often does. I want to come out of my shell, so that I could make friends so I do not feel as lonely at school as I did the previous semester. Most of all I want to continue showing people that I have changed. I want to continue growing, to continue discovering who I am as a person, and to continue in my path towards healing. So here's hoping for a year of victory.