Katie

I am so proud of my sister, she is doing things I never could. Singing in front of people, and being willing to risk being judged for something she enjoys. That's why I never used to share any of my writings, because I was afraid to be hurt. And even now, I doubt anyone reads them...and I'm not sure they are worth reading.

Katie had a performance last sunday, and she did great as usual. The only bad part was my crappy camera, and the fact that my hands shake so much that the video is really poor quality. But I thought I'd share it anyways.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7DMmW3SNLSw


I also found some random videos when I was going through my camera the other day. It is the wrong season, since these are from when she was practicing for her Christmas recital. I hope you will watch and enjoy. She really is a talent worth sharing with the world. While sometimes I grow completely jealous of her because I wish I had her talent, I realize we each have our own gifts. And mine is writing. We can't have everything.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EN9ZxyCE1Rs

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XWmhXqX0oko

The end of childhood

My younger sister is quickly approaching the years where childhood and innocence end and the complications of being a teenager begin. She is wise beyond her years, having lived through things in life that no twelve year old should. Sometimes the insights she gives me or the witty comments she makes causes me to look at her and think...is this my little sister? When did she grow up? When did she go from the little girl with curly hair who played barbies and teacher, to this wonderful preteen full of knowledge. She has the confidence I've never had. The courage to join choir at church, and sing solos in front of hundreds of people. She has the talent I wish I had. But she is also becoming more like me, which in some ways is scary. She struggles with her self-image as I always have. She gets down sometimes and doesn't understand why. She struggles to understand why our family has to go through so much. She wonders why our family can't be normal. Why our parents have to fight, why my dad has to be the way he is. She used to be his favorite, as my dad made sure we all knew. But as she grows up and begins to have her eyes open and sees what he does, she's starting to get hurt more by his words and telling him to stop. So now he says we've poisoned her against him, that she's turning into me, and he doesn't like it. I keep telling them she's becoming a teenager, she'll be 13 in august. We all went through the hormones, the mood swings, the crying over nothing. He expects her to stay innocent, to stay his little girl who clings to him even as he hurts her. But just as I did, she is growing up. Although honestly I don't really even feel much like a grown up anymore. I want to crawl into my childhood shoes and refuse to grow up. At one point the seven year gap between me and my sister seemed huge, but as she grows up, it doesn't seem so big anymore. She's become someone I truly enjoy hanging out with, someone who's antics rarely fail to make me laugh. It breaks my heart when she comes home, as she has so often lately, talking about conflicts at school. She is having typical girl drama with her friends, two of which have turned on her and are giving her hell. Ironically I never really experienced that in school. Yeah, I was the loser who was teased all the time, but I was also the loner who kept to myself and never really had friends. So I guess you can't really have drama when you have no friends. The first time I experienced the petty drama and heartache she's experiencing now was actually in college. Guess some girls just never grow out of that immaturity. They sure knew how to make my life hell. I hate that she has to face it. I hate that she has to know as much as she does about the world. It nearly breaks my heart when she turns to me and says, "Why can't we just be a loving happy family?". And I can't give her an answer, because I honestly don't know. I realize that every family has its problems, but it seems like our family is beyond repair. At least as long as my dad stays in denial. It's sad really. In Katie's short life, she nearly died, has faced emotional abuse, has watched her family fall apart, and to my shame, has watched her sister deal with major depression, anxiety, suicide attempts and cutting. I hate myself for being one more thing that causes her to lose her innocence. If I could go back...I would. Or at least I think I would. But to be honest maybe I wouldn't be the person I am today, and maybe my entire future would be drastically different, if I hadn't gone through those things. The one thing I think I'd change is ever telling anyone about my problems. Especially one friend in particular. If it weren't for her, and her feeling that she just had to tell people the few times I was really low, I wouldn't have had to deal with half I did this year.

Summer

Well, school's out and grades are in. I think I'm a bit too much of a perfectionist. I got three A's and two B's, and yet I'm disappointed. I'm thrilled I got a B in experimental design and statistical analysis, because honestly I was only expecting a C. That's the hardest class I've ever taken. And I got an A in the lab portion, which is even more amazing. But I'm disappointed in myself for getting a B+ in Social problems, because that wasn't a very hard class, and I honestly have no idea how I got a B. I was expecting an A. I did fairly well on the quizzes, and got full points on the papers. So the only things I don't know my grade on was the group project and the final paper. Since I am a relatively amazing writer (not to sound conceited or anything) I know that I had to of done well on the paper. So that leaves the group project. My group sucked. They didn't get their act together until the day before we presented. While I had my part prepared and memorized weeks in advanced, they threw it together the day before. And while I thought we pulled it off pretty well all things considering, I guess somehow it must have been low enough (since it was a huge portion of our grade) to bring my A to a high B. I guess there is nothing I can do about it, but it upsets me that all my hard work can be messed up by a stupid group projects. And that is why I hate group projects, because I always seem to get stuck with the crappy groups that can't get their act together and put everything off until the last minute.

I just want to say I am incredibly proud of myself, and with good reason. At one point, I wasn't even going to finish this semester, because everything outside of school was so chaotic. Learning to live with bipolar hasn't been easy for me. And most of the year I didn't even know I was bipolar, I just knew the antidepressants weren't working, and I was on a hellish emotional roller coaster. It get's old really fast. That is how one gets to the point where life no longer seems to have a purpose. You just want off the ride.

And yet despite all that, I pulled it off. At one point the workload seemed impossible, but I got it all done. And I didn't just squeek by either, I got grades that I should be proud of. I looked at my degree audit yesterday, and added it up. I've had 19 A's, 5 B's, and 1 C. While I'm not happy about the one C, I do realize that I've worked very hard for every one of those grades, and I have had alot of things against me.

I'm also proud of the growth I've made. I'm slowly coming out of my shell. I'm also starting to learn to believe in myself. It's hard for me to say and actually believe, but you know what, there is no shame in knowing and believing you are good at things. I'm a good writer, there is nothing wrong with admitting that. And I have an okay voice that I plan to work on, and when I do it'll be amazing. And while I may not be the world's best artist, I do like my artwork and so do alot of other people. I even have two requests for paintings (although I'm not sure when I'll get around to that). According to my friend I am a pretty good public speaker, and I articulate myself well. I also can pretty much learn anything I set my mind to. For instance, over christmas break I decided I wanted to learn to cross stitch. So I taught myself how. Then katie got a latch hook kit, and I taught her how to do that without ever having done it before. I also taught myself the basics of needlepoint. Experimental design and statistical analysis is the hardest class I've ever taken, but I still managed to learn the concepts (or at least enough to pass the quizzes). So that being said, even though I have a hard time believing it, the facts do indicate that I am smart.

I'm really nervous about this summer, having my first job and being away from my parents. But at the same time I know this could be a really amazing experience. I just hope that I'm smart enough to come up with crafts for the kids to do. I have a few so far that i like. But I still have time to brainstorm before I go away.

Okay well I'm rambling now, and I'm too distracted by the tv to actually focus. I'll blog later when I'm more focused.

Growth and the end of another school year

So I realize I haven't posted a blog in a really long time. But since this blog is more for me than anyone else since I'm sure it's rarely read, I'm not too concerned. Life has been hectic, and I'm not even going to begin to catch up on everything that's happened. Let's just say life has thrown me alot of crap, and I failed the test miserably.

I was thinking today...my life really hasn't even begun. So far I have very little to show for my life. I look at other people's blogs and pictures on facebook and I think look at them, they seem so full of life, happy, having friends and crazy adventures. I wish my life had more of that in it. I haven't really done anything crazy in my life, and I don't really have too many stories to tell. I've never been the girl surrounded by friends, and few people even know I exist. I haven't made an impact on this world, nor in anyone's life. I just kind of feel like a speck in the wind.

Someday I want to make a difference. Someday I want people to pick up a book with my name on it, and I want that book to touch their lives and truly make a difference. I think my story needs to be told. I've been through so much, and I understand the heartache that so many people share but few people are brave enough to speak of. I know the dark secrets of self harm and how the addiction takes over your life. I know all about overdosing and wanting to die. But I also know about hope. The hope I found in the little things. In new art supplies coming in the mail, play doh and each picture I completed that actually turned out good. I found hope in a conversation or hug from a friend. In each trip out to coffee and each time I made someone laugh. I found hope in each time that someone told me I was strong, or that I had really encouraged them in their own dark times. I found blessings in the friends God brought into my life this year. I find a blessing in my gifts, each time I share a poem or story with a friend and they tell me how amazing I am at writing. And though I don't believe them most days, I truly take joy in each time I'm told I'm beautiful, strong, amazing, full of love, a good singer, a good artist, an amazing writer...smart, talented, and wonderfully made. It'll take time, but I'm hopeful that one day I will believe the things other people see in me.

I look at how much I've grown this year. I held conversations with people I barely knew without having a panic attack. I gave public speeches and although it still made me nervous, I did amazing. I won first place researcher. I wrote so many amazing poems that I'm truly proud of. I came out of my shell alot, I talked with pretty much everyone on my wing, I made friends, and I started to actually believe I'm loved. I made phone calls and went into people's rooms without getting as anxious. I went on wing outings which I rarely did last year. I haven't cut in over sixty days! I opened up to people, I trusted again. I went to crowded places by myself without getting nearly as scared...heck I braved the brick house three times! I began to have just a little confidence in myself. I started letting people compliment me without arguing with them. And I made it through the year alive. I wont have any incompletes this semester, and I'll finish with pretty good grades considering all I've gone through.

It's been a very difficult year for me. But I do feel that the difficult times made me stronger. And it just makes the story I'll have to share with the world someday that much better. I may be a nobody now...but someday my name will be known.