Shoes

I'm actually a very simple person, I don't think my needs are all that out of the ordinary, and I don't think I'm all that hard to please. I'm the person who when one person from my wing takes the time to say hi and ask how I am, I feel on top of the world.

What I want right now shouldn't be so hard to satifsy, but thanks the my medical issues, a simple want characteristic of most girls becomes an impossibility. What want is this? Shoes. But not just any shoes, I want cute shoes. You know the kind that make people you don't even know stop and ask you where you got them. Once upon a time this was a fairly easy feat. I would find a shoe I liked that fit, and if I had money, buy them. More recently however my trips to the mall to try to find a cute pair of shoes to replace the Vans the finally bit the dust has just left me feeling depressed and dejected.

See...due to my oh so lovely RSD, I have slightly deformed legs. No one can really notice, but due to the muscle atrophy that occured when my RSD was at it's worse, my feet turn in, my legs slightly turn in, and my one ankle rolls funny. Add the fact that I have no arches, and you get a very unpleasant situation. In fact the changes to my legs and the fact that my ankle rolls funny is probably a major part of the reason my pain is so bad, and why after just a few minutes of standing the pain becomes unbearable and I'm desperate to sit down again. So my senior year, a nice doctor made custom inserts for my shoes. They form the arch I'm missing, and are molded exactly to my feet. The most important function of these inserts however is that they help to hold my ankle at the right position..so it doesn't roll. I love my inserts, because since I've had them I have been able to walk for longer and not feel pain as quickly. So I'm not really complaining. It's just that...these inserts also severly limit the shoes I can where. The first and most important rule is that the inserts that are already in a pair of shoes have to be able to come out. This is where the problem comes in. Most shoes...the inserts are glued down. The reason we bought the cute pair of vans I loved my senior year was because the inserts came out, it was a perfect fit even with my inserts. So logically when it came time to buy new shoes this year because those shoes are officially falling apart, I thought I'd find another cute pair of vans.

This is where the dejection came in. Every pair of shoes I found in that whole entire store had inserts that were glued down. Even the Vans...which the know it all store person told me Vans always have them glued down, to which I rolled my eyes because I have a pair of Vans at home where it isn't. I know it's petty, but it's just one more piece of normalacy in my life taken away because of my stupid condition. It wasn't until we got to the athletic shoes that all the inserts could come out. And nothing against those shoes, it's just they were all so plain and boring. I want cute shoes. I see so many and I get a brief moment of hope as I pick them up, but again and again they wont work. Even if I get lucky enough to find a cute pair of shoes where the inserts come out, I still have the dilimna of if the shoe isn't deep enough, they wont fit my foot with the inserts in.

I guess it's a stupid thing to complain about. People have far worse problems...heck I have far worse problems. It's just...I want so badly to be normal. I know that you will say there is no normal, but there is. Just ask Ms. Webb at Kuna High...we did a whole section on what is normal. I can tell you that normal isn't RSD, it isn't Fibromyalgia. It isn't waking up every morning in pain. It isn't hurting non stop. It isn't chronic fatigue and fibro fog that effects my cognitive abilities. It isn't always having to think, if I do this now, how much will it hurt me later....will I be able to walk later? It isn't that dejected feeling you get when you wake up and realize you literally cannot walk...without a cane which I refuse to use (actually when we moved I got rid of the crutches, the canes, the wheel chair.....I REFUSE to use them ever again). So I crave the little things that are normal...like being a girl, walking around the mall...finding cute shoes. Instead what I get is shoes that don't work with my arch supports, and unbearable pain from walking around the mall. On that note, if you ever find a brand of really cute shoes that the inserts actually come out of...please let me know. I'd love you forever and ever.

Longing for love

I was walking across campus today, heading to my six-o-clock class. I hadn't eaten much all day: some coffee, a handful of swedish fish, and a few miniscule peices of meat from the stir fry at lunch. Hunger knawed at me, and I felt a bit lightheaded. As I walked in this hunger-struck daze, I was looking around, taking in everything I saw, when suddenly I realized that everywhere I looked there were couples. Hugging, holding hands, even sneaking a kiss or two before class. As I watched one couple in particular (in a totally non-creepy way) the emptiness in my stomach instead became an emptiness in my heart, and I began to think, why not me? Don't I deserve someone to love me? To truly love me, despite my flaws (and trust me there are plenty), despite my deep scars and unstable health. Someone to hold hands with as I walk across campus, someone who cares about what I have to say and longs for just one more kiss.

Some people would probably be surprised to hear me talk like that. For the most part, all I show is indifference to romance, and I usually utter a childish ew when couples act all lovey-dovey in front of me. But at the same time, it isn't surprising at all. Every living things needs love. Me? I crave it. To finally have someone truly love me would be the most amazing thing ever. No, i'm not saying I don't have people who love me now, I know if I said that I'd have lots of friends objecting, but the truth is, I don't think I've ever really known real love. I want it, I need it, but somehow I always come up empty. Friends, they are few and far between. It seems that everytime I put down my walls, let someone in, truly be myself around someone...I lose them. Either they suddenly stop hanging out with me as several of my friends from last year have...or else they do something to hurt me. The deepest hurt I've ever felt has been caused by friends I loved. Guess that's my fault though, I'm the flawed one. Other friends, they just get sick of me. They can't handle me anymore, my pain, my past, my problems. I become the burden. Just a few weeks ago my friend decided she was going to spend the night in my room. She's one of the few friends from last year I still deem a friend. When she told her friends (who used to be my closest friends last year) that she was staying the night with me, they said, "Are you sure you want to do that? You're already dealing with enough, you don't need to be burdened by her". That's what I am...a burden. So once again I coil back inside myself, say screw the world I don't need friends...but you can only go so long before that starts to be unbearable. So I stopped looking for love from friends, I'm tired of being hurt. I can't turn to family either. I mean sure, I love my family with all my heart. My sisters are amazing, and I know they adore me, but that kind of love just isn't the same. My mom and I have a great relationship for the most part, but she rarely shows me any affection, guess it's just not how she was raised. So that leaves my dad (I can already hear the scoffs or grunts of annoyance). My dad, who says he loves me with all his heart, that I'm the most precious thing in the world to him, and yet I've walked on eggshells around him my whole life. I guess I believe he loves me, but I don't really feel it. I mean it's hard to feel love amongst the pain, the your stupid, your ungrateful, your a failure, I give up on you, I don't even care about you anymore....the constant stream of hurtful things he says to me on an almost daily basis when I'm home. And when he's not hurting me (or hitting me) he's putting down my mom and my family and making our lives a living hell. He's telling me the dog's easier to love than anyone in our family. He's telling my mom marrying her was the biggest mistake he's ever made. And somehow amongst that I'm supposed to find love? So no, growing up I never really felt love. In my friendships, I haven't truly felt love, i guess I just don't let myself. And now, I'm craving love.

That's my biggest fear, that I'll die alone. I don't think anyone is ever going to truly love me, I'll always be the burden. I don't expect anyone to ever love me, I'm undeserving. I'm defective. I'm like the letters that are sent out, only to receive a big red stamp saying return to sender. I know why guys don't notice me, let's face it, there's nothing extraordinary about me. I know why I'll never get married, why no guy will ever chose me.

For one, I'm not good looking. I know appearances are far from being the most important thing in a relationship, but let's face it, we judge people before we even meet them based on how they look. I don't think too many guys are looking for someone with acne, missing teeth, and flab. I wouldn't want me...heck I don't want me. I look in the mirror everyday and hate what I see.

Second, I'm a downer. I know I am, that's why I lose so many friends. I struggle with depression, I'm a pessimist, and I have some issues that I don't think I'll ever overcome.

I'm also shy, terribly shy. Like...waiting for friends to pick me up cuz we made plans sets my heart beating faster at the prospect of being social. I've tried for years to overcome this, but it doesn't seem like it will ever go away.

Finally, I'm sick. This is my biggest thing...the thing I've cried about a million times. Because in my heart I think, if you could chose from any girl in the world, why would you pick the one with Fibromyalgia, RSD, gastroparesis, carpal tunnel...and whatever other crap is wrong with me? Why would you pick the person who cringes at even the gentelest touch, because everything, EVERYTHING hurts. Why would you pick the person who is always tired.....who walks around in a half awake daze her entire life. Who doesn't have the strength to go out, who constantly needs naps, who can't focus, can't keep up? Would you want your life partner to have those qaulities? I certainly wouldn't.

So there you have it. I guess if love ever comes along, you can all say "I told you so" but I just don't see it ever happening. Maybe before I got sick, but not now. I crave love, I watch the couples on campus with envy, but I know it will never grace my presence.

Tricks

I'm not really good at this whole blog thing. For one I don't write anything that anyone else would want to read, I don't know how to make my blog pretty, or even post pictures. These will be things to hopefully learn in the near future, although with as crazy behind as I'm getting with schoolwork I wouldn't expect it anytime soon.

So I am completely obsessed with Ellen Hopkins. I've been addicted ever since I read her first book, which ironically was about someone falling into an addiction to drugs... She has the most captivating style I've ever read. It's a beautiful free verse style. But these books aren't for the faint of heart. Actually as much as I love them I can't even recommend them to most people. If you want to live a sheltered life, if you can't handle cursing or the occasional inappropriate comment, than you probably would hate them. On the other hand if you want a book that is chilling, intense, and an amazing eye opener to the problems in this world that are all too common, especially amoungst teens, than her books are for you. You will be brought into the minds of people you probably never wanted to know, and yet, in a strange way a peice of me has been able to relate to every one of them. These books deal with dark stuff: drugs, abuse, sexual abuse, rape, suicide, cutting, and countless other deep topics. Her newest book is called Tricks. As soon as I can get paid for October, I'm buying it. I have to admit I was more hesitant about this book than the others. Tricks is about five teens, who for one reason or another fall into prostitution. They are looking for love in all the wrong places, and are caught up in a lifestyle they can't even imagine escaping. This book isn't so much about the prostitution itself, although that will be in there. It's more about the stories, what led them to where they are now, who they are as a person. I've read several excerpts, and it looks amazing as usual. I cannot wait to read them. Even though I'll probably put off hw and read for hours straight, it's worth it to me. In fact, sometimes I think the life lessons I learn both from the characters I live through and the demons in my own life, are better teachers than anyone in a classroom setting possibley can be. But that's just me. Unfortunately that doesn't mean I can put off hw, so I better get back to work.

The Joys of Pneumonia

Today was not an easy day for me. It was one of those days where my terrible habit to beat myself up about things started to get out of control. I'm sick right now, I have pneumonia. It's pretty much the crappiest I've felt in a long time. Not only am I sick, but add RSD and FM flair ups to the mix and you have one miserable Rebecca. A miserable Becca that couldn't get out of bed, couldn't make it to classes, couldn't even do hw. All I did all day was sleep. I didn't even eat, just slept non stop. When I finally did wake up at eight this afternoon, I felt like such a failure. An unproductive, stupid failure. So I read a chapter in Helping Skills, and that made me feel a little less worthless. Then I decided I really wanted to watch medium. So I found an episode online, curled up with a blanket, and watched the very first episode. I guess it's strange for me to spend my evening that way when I was already mad at myself for being unproductive, but a friend finally knocked some sense into me. She pointed out that if I don't take care of myself, I could end up hospitalized, because pneumonia can get pretty serious. So, I have to decide if I want to keep pushing myself and not letting my body heal, risking hospitalization and more missed school, or if I want to let myself relax, miss a few classes, fight off the fever, and just let myself sleep. I guess I'm starting to see that maybe taking care of my body is a little more important than school.

Who I am

I used to know who I was, but now all I have in my life are questions. I love God yes, I know that there have been times where he has provided for my family, but at the same time I don't know how I feel about him right now. I want to say yes, when I die I will go to heaven. I want to say the God I believe in will always protect me. I want to say yes I know beyond a doubt that he is there for me, but I honestly don't know anymore. It seems like I am screaming, screaming for God to hear me, screaming for people at school to hear me, just screaming and hoping that someone will stop and listen. I'm not sure if that will ever happen. I know I have people who love me, both from highschool and here at NNU, but I still feel more alone than I have in a long time. Please, don't judge me. I may be quiet and keep to myself alot, but that's only because I have been hurt so deeply in my past. I actually have alot to say, alot that I can share with the world. People have told me I've made a difference in their lives, and I can be a great friend. It takes me time to warm up, but once people start talking to me, they are shocked how much I really do have to say. Yes, I have a disease. It is called Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy, and it is a chronic neurological disorder that I have struggled with since I was nine. Basically I hurt. My nerves tell my body I'm in pain, gentle touches hurt, I can't be as active as I'd like. I have good days and bad days, and I am hoping that there are people in this world who will love me on the good days, and support me on the bad. I try not to complain about my condition, but here's the thing. Imagine you have the extreme lack of energy and constant body aches of the flu. Imagine the worse pain you've felt and spread it throughout your body. You are always tired, that will never change. You are always in pain, that will never go away. Now honestly tell me you would never slip into negativity or make a comment about not feeling well. I don't think you can. People who actually get to know me say I am an amazing person, who has a ton to offer the world. People who actually get to know me love spending time with me, and value what I have to say. They tell me they don't know how I handle my condition, how I stay as positive as I do, that they could never do it. I just shrug and say, it's life. Yes I have my days where everything feels like it's coming to an end....but I haven't stopped fighting yet. I refuse to let my condition define me. I am begging the world, don't define me by my condition. If you are afraid to approach me because you don't understand...ask me. Don't judge me when you've made no effort to get to know me, to see past my illness. And if you honestly think I can't have fun just because I am sick...you are soo wrong! Ask anyone who has actually gotten to know me, or spent time with me late at night. I am just a normal person who loves having fun. I guess what I'm saying is, don't be part of the reason that people with disabilities don't feel accepted. I can't change what you think, because I am not going to change who I am for you. This is who I am. Take it or leave it. If you can't see past my condition long enough to get to know me, you are the one missing out.