Everything is upside down

I have been a little ill at ease lately, in light of the whole the world is going to end may 21st thing. Now I never really believed it was going to, because the bible says no one knows the date or the hour. But, what it was making me think about is my own faith. Wondering and panicking more than ever about the question: Am I saved? Do I believe? I wish this was a simple question, I wish I had a concrete answer. But I don't. You see, I question constantly. Sometimes I question to such an extent that I lose faith all together. That is, the little faith I even have. There are alot of things in the bible that seem very unloving considering God is supposed to be a loving God. For instance, why did God kill and punish children for their parents mistakes? How is that fair? How does that even make sense? Did God kill Pharoh? No, he killed the firstborn, the innocent children, and the people that were sent after the Israelites (no clue how to spell and don't feel like looking up). This puzzles me. I worry, that a God who does such things couldn't possibly accept me. Someone who is always asking why, and can never just trust. Because, I struggle with the world. I struggle with my life. What God must think of someone who attempted to take their own life, someone who destroys their own body with a blade. Perhaps, this is a punishment. I know, it's cruel to think, but look at the things God did in the bible. Maybe, the reason I don't get healed no matter how desperately I pray, is because God refuses to listen to the prayers of someone that rejects their own body, rejects God even sometimes. My screwed up family and my screwed up life, it's hard to see God in any of this. Does God truly care? Does God really have a plan for my life? Why is this His plan then? My pain has been worse than ever lately, and my prayers have become more desperate. I have lived more than half my life with this disease. I dream of a day when I can wake up not in pain. When I can eat and not get sick. And to actually sleep at night and wake rested. How in the heck am I ever going to handle this life? I stress about EVERYTHING. I'm scared of everything. Next year I graduate. And then what? Face life alone? Try to work, try to pretend I'm normal. I need to learn to drive, but I'm too scared. I'm always scared. I'm so pathetic I'm scared of the dark even, I get so parnoid I can hardly sleep at night regardless of pain levels. When I look in the mirror, I honestly don't see love. I see an ememy, someone I hate. I see pain and defeat. And I think about the friends I've tried to make, and how insignificant I am in their lives. When we graduate, will I hear from any of them again? More than likely not, seeing how I'm barely acknowledged now. I am forgetable. Always have been. My entire life I've felt like an outcast, someone people just can't stand being around. Can't say I blame them. My disease makes me no fun to be around, and who wants to be around someone who is constantly in the clutch of depression or mania. So either I'm wanting to die, or I'm half crazy. I wonder how I'm going to live alone, how I'm going to manage. I'm always so tired from my illness, and that makes it so hard to just get through a day. Add highs and lows, and I'm even more unstable. Whose going to want to hire someone who is unstable? You can't ditch work just because you couldn't sleep all night from the pain. You can't ignore the need to lift something or to keep going just because you have no stamina and your body is failing you. I hate my disease. I know that I shouldn't, but I think I've let it define me, I think I've become my disease. I hide behind it, and use it as a reason to not try. But it does make it difficult to just feel normal, to feel my age. And more than ever I've been lonely. I have friends getting engaged and married, and aside from a minor relationship in my early teens, I've never been in a relationship. Never had anyone even give me a second glance. I'm too hidden behind walls, too scarred by my past to let anyone in even if they were willing. So am I destined to live alone? I want a family, I want a life. But I grew up with a mother who was always sick and tired. We had to be quiet all the time, tip toe around the house for fear of waking her up. I don't want to be that mother. I don't want to be someone with no energy for my family. I want a relationship, I want someone to love me. But who will? Who would? Look at me, scared of the world, in no way attractive, and burdened by my past. A body covered in scars I keep hidden from the world, but couldn't keep hidden forever. The questions that would come, the fear that I would have. I don't want to live alone, I don't want to go my whole life without finding love. There is love around me, but I doubt and I question just like I doubt and question God. I go...if they really loved me they'd ____ or they aren't really my friends because they _________. A constant game inside my head. I withdraw, I test. Do things like not making an effort to stay in contact because I desperately want to know if they care enough to make the effort themselves. Seems like I'm always the one to text, call, or come over. More than ever I'm questioning my life. I'm scared and I'm hurt and I'm broken. And I need help, because I don't have a clue how to put the pieces of my life back together again.