Fading

I'm tired of this stupid...pointless...miserable thing called life.

Sometimes I wish I could just disappear
Find a hole in a wall someplace
sleep forever
stop having to fight
this never ending battle
tired of pain
tired of abuse
tired of life

Once upon a time, I had a spark inside me. No matter how horrible things got, I always clung to hope. People told me I was strong, that they couldn't believe how amazing I was. Now...the spark is gone, only a few wisps of smoke remain. I really don't know, if I can ever rekindle the flame.

Worries

I am sadly one of those people who panics about every little thing.This year I really need to learn to hand my worries over to God, and trust that everything will work out no matter how scary or hopeless things may seem at the time. That's never been one of my best skills. I tend to constantly fret about the little things, always jumping to the worst possible outcome. Even when I pray and verbally proclaim that I am giving my worries to God...I know that I still cling to them. If I can't learn to better handle my stress I'm never going to be able to handle school or life for that matter. Right now is a very scary time. My mom has had a bunch of blood work done, and because of something they found in that bloodwork, she has been referred to a specialist next week. The thing is..this specialist is a hematologist/oncologist. We don't know why she is being sent there. I hope and pray that it is for hematology...but it could also be for oncology. Oncology is cancer in case you don't know. My mom also heard the doctors talking and they used a word that means cancerous cell. So right now it is hard not to jump to the world possible conclusion. We don't even know if she has cancer yet and already I'm imagining her losing her hair, going through chemo...maybe not living. I guess I'm a little shaken, I've had several friends lose parents in the course of the past couple years. So anytime something like this happens...I begin to think about how lost I'd be without my mom. I want everything to be fine, but I'm scared it isn't. My mom went to the emergency room tonight. She has been having this thing happen for a few weeks now where out of nowhere she gets these horrible pains in her head, and her head feels heavy and she gets real dizzy. Well I guess the pain has gotten alot worse, and now she also has this numb/cold sensation in part of her face. Tonight something was going on with her eye, and she was having a hard time even forming sentences. It was really scary. We were at a restaurant for my dad's birthday dinner when it started happening. My mom was scared and upset, and insisting she needed to go to the emergency room. My dad on the other hand...was getting frustrated. He kept saying how stupid it was for someone to spend all that money to go to the emergency room when they have doctors on their case. He kept saying four more months...that's all I ask for is four months to get my degree so I can have a job and take over the finances. Then you can afford to blow money like this. Not now. He kept making it sound like she was doing something to him...like she is chosing to have these problems or something. I could tell my mom was getting agitated. Then...my dad was like...I'm the only one in this house that can do anything and isn't falling apart...and yet I'm the one you want to kick out. Guess there still talking about the idea of a trial separation, if not full blown divorce. My dad eventually agreed to go to the emergency room...but not without alot more complaining. He just got the call a few minutes ago saying my mom is ready to be picked up. I don't know whether to say fortunately or unfortunately they didn't find anything wrong. On the one hand...I'm glad they didn't scan her brain and find something horrible. But at the same time...I'm frustrated. We want to know what is wrong with her. I guess she is just supposed to keep struggling and suffering not knowing why it is happening. They told her she should be checked out by a neurologist. So they should be home soon. My mom still isn't feeling good, other than that the morphine they gave her helped with the pain some. I'm sure my dad will be in an even worse mood now, knowing that we will now have a huge bill from the emergency room and they found nothing wrong.

A New Year

Wow, it is a new year already. Sometimes it is hard to believe how quickly the years go by. In the past year, I have taken many steps forward, but I've also taken a few steps back. It has been a year of many ups and downs, but I suppose that's just kind of how life goes. Seems that I no sooner conquer an obstacle and there's another one standing before me. It certainly get's exhausting after awhile. I'm not entirely sure how I am going to find the strength to make it through another year, but I know that somehow or another I will find the will within to carry on. I'm sitting here thinking about the fact that if I had gone through with my plan that night instead of asking for help, I wouldn't be here right now. I wouldn't have seen 2010 come, and instead of celebrating a new year, my family would be grieving as they faced their first year without me. The holidays would have been a dark time, and each year rather than feeling joy they'd be reminded of the fact that it was just another year I'd never see. It's a very sobering thought. I just made it through three days of incredibly bad depression. My mood crashed terribly, and all I could think about was how hopeless life seemed, and the fact that I wanted to die. I even spent a good portion of one day thinking about how I would go about ending my life. I am relieved to say that when I woke up this morning, I felt fine. That's how my mood seems to work. I'm either on top of the world, or I'm ten feet under. I might be able to see a doctor soon, so maybe we can finally figure out what's going on and I can get on the right meds. But the thought of my family spending the rest of their life with a member missing...I think that's enough to keep me from ever letting myself repeat the actions I took that night (before I asked for help that is). This year was quite a roller coaster ride. I let myself spiral out of control more than once, but I also found the strength to keep fighting despite all that life has thrown at me. I feel stronger than I did one year ago. For one, I can proudly say that it has been 16 days since I last cut. This time last year, I couldn't even imagine going that long. When I fell into the dark mood like I was in the last few days, I didn't even try to fight the urge. What makes this even more of an accomplishment is that I haven't self harmed at all. Before I would rationalize with myself, if it didn't bleed it didn't count. I would go months without cutting, but I was still making stratches or digging my nails into myself when I got upset. This time it truly is 16 days without self harming. Also, despite how badly I wanted to overdose and stop feeling for awhile, I made it through. I don't think I could have done that this time last year either. I'm socializing more, I've talked to the people on my wing this year more than I ever did with my wing last year. I've made an effort not to hide in my room so much, and to try and come out of my shell more. It hasn't been a drastic change really, but I can feel myself slowly making progress. I actually have days now when I feel included, and happy. For me that is amazing. I have been seeing a new counselor, and it's really helped me to start working on some of the deeper problems I am fighting. My family now knows about my problems, and I would say they are doing their best to come to terms with the things I've been fighting in secret for so long now. I may never truly be able to forget the painful things I faced this year, but I can learn to forgive myself. I'm slowly trying to see myself as my friends see me: someone who is beautiful and has so much to offer the world. Exactly one year ago I sat down and wrote in my journal, and I listed out some of my goals for the new year. They weren't specific goals like lose weight, but general things that I wanted to do to start improving my life. I said I was going to start trusting more, as my issues with trust were controlling my life. I wanted to learn to relax more, and to take time for myself. Finally, I wanted to feel pretty again. Looking back, I don't know that I really accomplished any of these. I still worry about everything. I still don't like what I see when I look in the mirror, and I still have major trust issues when it comes to relationships. But I guess what really matters is that I have been working on it. In dying and cutting my hair, I do feel pretty. I enjoyed getting compliments. I also started taking more time to get ready in the mornings, and I have to say that when I put in contacts, make-up, and a nice outfit I can't deny that I am a pretty person. I've started sharing my writing with people more, which is a huge step for me. I've taken a chance and I've worked on developing relationships with the people on my wing, when last year I had pretty much given up on people. This year will be a year of healing. I will continue to go to counseling if possible. I will do a better job of eating consistently, and taking all of my meds. I will continue to work at socializing more, so that I don't feel so alone. I will start focusing on the positives even when all around me seems dark. I know that this depression with continue to be a battle, but I will do my best to learn how to cope, so that I enjoy the times when my mood is high, and I know how to handle the times my mood crashes without feeling so suicidal. Most importantly, I want to work at developing a relationship with God. I still tend to be the person who only prays when things start to fall apart. I don't feel close to God, in fact sometimes I'm not even sure He exists. There are alot of uncertainties in the coming year. We don't know what is going to happen with my mom's health, we don't know if she'll lose her vision, and we don't know if she'll be able to keep her job now that she can no longer see well enough to drive and has a hard time seeing the machines at work. Our finances are unstable, and with all of the medical debt we've created lately, it is a very real possibility that we could go bankrupt. I don't know what's going to happen with my parent's marriage, if my mom will keep her threats to leave him or if they will resolve their differences. I don't even know what will happen with me in the next year, if I can handle the stress of school, if my health will continue to get worse, if I will learn to control my depression. With all of these unknowns, it is easy to make the future out to be a dark place, and that is when I start feeling hopeless. What I need to learn to do is to give my problems to God, and to trust that despite everything, He does have a plan for me and for my family. As my devotional today reminded me, "For I know the plans I have for you", declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future". "Jeremiah 29:11. I just need to take His word as truth, and to trust that everything will work out. It may not work out how I think it should, but I know that God's plans are greater than any preconceived plan I have.

So with all of this said I have a few goals for the new year. I don't really like to call them resolutions, I think that just sets you up for failure. These are just the things that I hope to work on this year. I know that there will be steps forward, and steps back...but that's part of life.

No more cutting
read bible daily
pray daily
journal at least weekly
end each day by focusing on what went right, instead of what went wrong
learn to love myself just the way God made me