unbreakable

Just writing to say, my blog name is a lie. I am not unbreakable. I am in fact very breakable and very much broken these days.

why

Why is everything in life so complicated? I'll give you a million dollars (ha ha ha like I have that) if you can give me a legitimate answer.

Love is in the air

Love is in the air, or so it seems. Seems people all around me are married or engaged. I've gotten three wedding group invites in the past several weeks. And admist all that happiness I can't help but wonder, will it ever be me? I know I've written about this before, but it's kind of a reoccuring feeling. I tell myself sometimes I really don't care that I've never really had a relationship. But then other times, I look around me and see other happy people and think, you know I really want that. I've never felt special, not to myself and not to others. I feel kind of average in everything. The only thing I hold onto as a gift is my writing, and as it turns out I've had zero luck getting published even in small magazines. I wonder what about me will ever stand out in someone's eyes. Is there really someone out there for everyone, or am I destined to always be alone? I have very few friends, I get rather lonely. I spend alot of my time alone. Not really because I want to be alone, but just because no one really wants to be around me. Which I get it ok. I'm too depressed. I'm too blunt with people so it comes out rude. I'm overly dramatic sometimes, and I must confess sometimes in my depression I take advantage of other people. To be honest I can see myself getting in a relationship and then driving the person away being too suspicious and dependent. I'm that way, I have so few friends that I get very paranoid with the ones I have. Even the ones who actually hang out with me, I constantly wonder....do I really mean something to this person? I want to believe they do, but something broke inside of me a long time ago. And lately I have become overly concerned with looks. I have this discoloration on my cheek, which the dermatologist told me could be a permanent change in pigmintation. Or it could go away but who knows how long that'll take. I have an cyst on my chest, what could very well be a permanent scar in a rather intimate place. I have scars I'll someday have to explain. Which on a side note it's been over 80 days now. I'm too lazy to count it up right now. I'm afraid of what comes after college, afraid that all my friends will go back to their respective states and I'll never hear from them again. I barely hear from people now, I guess they have a life. I have a friend who said she'd call me on my birthday, I'm debating of whether I should subtley remind her, or if I should just wait and see if she actually follows through. I do that, I test people. Twisted of me I guess, it's my own game of prove you care that I do sometimes. A habit I suppose I should break if I ever want someone to dare enter my life and stay there. I look forward to tomorrow, I might be able to see high school friends who at one point I thought perhaps had fallen off the face of the earth, although I suppose I've done the same in my own right. I am wondering when the pieces fall into place, when the prayers get answered. God listens right? I wonder how long He'll be silent. Or am I just too challenged to hear him? I'm sick of foodbank food. Sick of knowing I am now uninsured and my health is on the line. Afraid that as the bipolar meds run out I'll go back into the darkness that tried to choke out my life sophomore year. I'm running out of steam, running out of desire. I need someone or something to come into my life and make me feel alive again. I pray that God will bring someone into my life. A new friend, or perhaps an old one that's lost touch. I pray that there is someone out there for me, that I wont die alone, the crazy rat lady. I hope, I pray, I try to hang on.

untitled for now

Who should go forth to change the world?
When will somebody dare to go try?
So that the crippled hands of man can be unfurled
And the children no longer have to cry

Out in pain and sheer lack of hope
We’ve waited so long but no one has come
Everyone has grown tired of trying to cope
We’re wanting to forget where we’ve come from

Will you be the answer to our prayer?
Be willing and brave
In this, our most uncertain hour
Be the one we’ve been told has freely gave

You are the answer given by God above
We know to this world you’ll bring pure love

What Sweet A Thing

What Sweet a Thing
What sweet a thing to call yourself a Christian,
A beloved child of the good Lord above
What does it mean to live life on a mission?
To say that you serve a God of love

How can you dare to claim to be Christ-like
When all the while you scorn the needy
You take all of the people you strongly dislike
And Judge as you take from them greedily

Doesn't Christ-like mean giving in compassion?
To represent the love of God to others
Shouldn't you be reaching out with passion?
Treating all others as your sisters and brothers

Go out in this world and be the light
Turning this dark world into a place so bright

Love's Hand

Love’s Hand

You asked for my hand,
A piece of my heart
A part of me
I didn’t understand
Emotions flowed from the start
But I wasn’t sure who to be

Somehow I was never
Quite able to see
The person you always
Saw in me

You saw beauty
And talent
Love and a friend
For you it wasn’t a sense of duty
Or to appear gallant
It was hard to comprehend

How I could
Have possibly found
As the fairytales say, my true love.
To me it didn’t seem I ever would,
Hear the melody of love’s song
Or to see that white dove

Fluttering in the air,
A bouquet of flowers
In my hand
No more uncertain hours,
Or a need to understand
That my heart now and forever,
Is held in your hand.

Faucet

Faucet
Drip, Drip, Drip
Water trickles from the faucet
A steady leak from my soul

Tears of heartache,
Long ago dried
The salty streams,
Now a barren bed
Weaving through the ground,
Echoing the sound

Of the whispers in my heart,
Longing for a fresh start
Praying for forgiveness
Hoping for Love
A cure for my loneliness,
This thing called friendliness,
Shattering the emptiness.

Filling the well
Nourishing the ground
Allowing new life
To flourish
As sad goodbyes
Perish

Freedom

What does freedom mean to you?
Living in the land of the
Red white and blue
Does it mean fireworks, watermelon
A BBQ on the lawn
Or do you see men fighting
For our land
Kids crying
For the lost
Do you see the blessing
Of being able to sit casually
In your backyard
Enjoying this day
And knowing that you’re safe
Cherishing the fact
That you have food and shelter
Love and communion
Freedom to believe
To worship
To speak
And express your individuality
Peace for today
And Hope for tomorrow
Such fragile things to some
In the palm of your hands
Be proud for the people
Who fight and defend
So that you can enjoy
The promise of this land