school money and other such things

Tomorrow is my last day of my first session of summer school. I have a final worth half my grade, which I'm kind of nervous about. But at this point I've lost all motivation to study. I really should go through everything one more time before bed, but my brain just kind of told me it's done trying. I might try to go through everything one more time, but I think maybe it's time to give my brain a rest. I am grateful that after this I have a week off. Even though it wont be much of a week off. I have to study for and take my permit test, try to see if I can get medicaid, unpack finally, and get a head start on reading. Plus work on my cross stitch as much as possible. Then comes the session I am truly frightened of. I have three classes, and so far they all sound very time consuming. In the astronomy class there are three tests in only four weeks, it's going to be crazy. And then at the same time I'll be attempting to write and memorize speeches. I am very nervous. But if I can get through that session it'll be a piece of cake from there. I'm not worried at all about creative writing. It's alot of poems but I am ok with those. Ha ha, think I can get away with submitting old poems? Not like the teacher would ever know. But I'll try not to do that, the goal is to challenge myself to create new work. I feel like I haven't written anything of value since last school year. I don't know, when I was depressed I could write. I wrote beautiful things I am proud of, and wrote many things every day. Now, I can't. I don't have the drive, don't have the passion. The creativity just isn't there. I haven't written anything I am proud of. Maybe I can only write when I'm depressed. Sure seems that way. Guess that'll be one benefit to losing insurance, I'll be off my meds so I'll probably go crazy again, but at least I'd be able to write. My dad didn't get the job, we really needed it to work out. So we're stressed out. We lose our insurance in July, which means I only have one more month of meds. If I qualify for medicaid than they would be covered, but if not then I have to either go without meds or have my meds changed around so I'm on a cheaper combo. And I still owe a couple thousand for next school year. My dad said he can't afford to take out another parent loan, so I don't have a clue how I'm affording my senior year. I don't even want to think about how far in debt I'm going to be when I graduate. It is screwed up that school is so expensive. I see no reason why college should even cost money. You create a society where in order to make something of yourself you need a bachelors degree...and now even that isn't enough in most fields. But you make school so expensive that people have to go into debt for it. And then if you are poor and can't afford school I guess you're just screwed. What are they doing that they deserve to charge hundreds of dollars a credit? There isn't something they do that's worth that much. They teach. Something normal teachers barely get paid for. I don't know, it just doesn't make sense to me. Can you imagine if they'd have public colleges. I mean sure they might not be as good of an education as some fancy school, but college for people that wouldn't cost money except for books, I think that would be a valuable thing. And while I'm on the topic, the health care system is also screwed up. Why should I live in a world where I need meds and I need to see doctors but because health care is so ridiculous I can't afford it. I mean really, without insurance my one med costs over five hundred dollars. That is absurd. Ok..I'm done. Guess I should get back to trying not to fail this class.

Everything is upside down

I have been a little ill at ease lately, in light of the whole the world is going to end may 21st thing. Now I never really believed it was going to, because the bible says no one knows the date or the hour. But, what it was making me think about is my own faith. Wondering and panicking more than ever about the question: Am I saved? Do I believe? I wish this was a simple question, I wish I had a concrete answer. But I don't. You see, I question constantly. Sometimes I question to such an extent that I lose faith all together. That is, the little faith I even have. There are alot of things in the bible that seem very unloving considering God is supposed to be a loving God. For instance, why did God kill and punish children for their parents mistakes? How is that fair? How does that even make sense? Did God kill Pharoh? No, he killed the firstborn, the innocent children, and the people that were sent after the Israelites (no clue how to spell and don't feel like looking up). This puzzles me. I worry, that a God who does such things couldn't possibly accept me. Someone who is always asking why, and can never just trust. Because, I struggle with the world. I struggle with my life. What God must think of someone who attempted to take their own life, someone who destroys their own body with a blade. Perhaps, this is a punishment. I know, it's cruel to think, but look at the things God did in the bible. Maybe, the reason I don't get healed no matter how desperately I pray, is because God refuses to listen to the prayers of someone that rejects their own body, rejects God even sometimes. My screwed up family and my screwed up life, it's hard to see God in any of this. Does God truly care? Does God really have a plan for my life? Why is this His plan then? My pain has been worse than ever lately, and my prayers have become more desperate. I have lived more than half my life with this disease. I dream of a day when I can wake up not in pain. When I can eat and not get sick. And to actually sleep at night and wake rested. How in the heck am I ever going to handle this life? I stress about EVERYTHING. I'm scared of everything. Next year I graduate. And then what? Face life alone? Try to work, try to pretend I'm normal. I need to learn to drive, but I'm too scared. I'm always scared. I'm so pathetic I'm scared of the dark even, I get so parnoid I can hardly sleep at night regardless of pain levels. When I look in the mirror, I honestly don't see love. I see an ememy, someone I hate. I see pain and defeat. And I think about the friends I've tried to make, and how insignificant I am in their lives. When we graduate, will I hear from any of them again? More than likely not, seeing how I'm barely acknowledged now. I am forgetable. Always have been. My entire life I've felt like an outcast, someone people just can't stand being around. Can't say I blame them. My disease makes me no fun to be around, and who wants to be around someone who is constantly in the clutch of depression or mania. So either I'm wanting to die, or I'm half crazy. I wonder how I'm going to live alone, how I'm going to manage. I'm always so tired from my illness, and that makes it so hard to just get through a day. Add highs and lows, and I'm even more unstable. Whose going to want to hire someone who is unstable? You can't ditch work just because you couldn't sleep all night from the pain. You can't ignore the need to lift something or to keep going just because you have no stamina and your body is failing you. I hate my disease. I know that I shouldn't, but I think I've let it define me, I think I've become my disease. I hide behind it, and use it as a reason to not try. But it does make it difficult to just feel normal, to feel my age. And more than ever I've been lonely. I have friends getting engaged and married, and aside from a minor relationship in my early teens, I've never been in a relationship. Never had anyone even give me a second glance. I'm too hidden behind walls, too scarred by my past to let anyone in even if they were willing. So am I destined to live alone? I want a family, I want a life. But I grew up with a mother who was always sick and tired. We had to be quiet all the time, tip toe around the house for fear of waking her up. I don't want to be that mother. I don't want to be someone with no energy for my family. I want a relationship, I want someone to love me. But who will? Who would? Look at me, scared of the world, in no way attractive, and burdened by my past. A body covered in scars I keep hidden from the world, but couldn't keep hidden forever. The questions that would come, the fear that I would have. I don't want to live alone, I don't want to go my whole life without finding love. There is love around me, but I doubt and I question just like I doubt and question God. I go...if they really loved me they'd ____ or they aren't really my friends because they _________. A constant game inside my head. I withdraw, I test. Do things like not making an effort to stay in contact because I desperately want to know if they care enough to make the effort themselves. Seems like I'm always the one to text, call, or come over. More than ever I'm questioning my life. I'm scared and I'm hurt and I'm broken. And I need help, because I don't have a clue how to put the pieces of my life back together again.

For just one moment

For just one moment
can you listen to me
hear what I hear
and see what I see
feel my pain
experience my regrets
place yourself
in my shoes
just for one day
maybe then
you'd understand
maybe then you
could accept
this is who I am
what my past has shaped
me to be
I'm slightly left
of crazy
honest to a fault
I'm sarcastic
and witty
and you really can't
defeat me
you can try to attack
who I am
call me negative
call me rude
call me a poor friend
but the honest truth is
I am who I am
You cannot change me
so experience me
befriend me
become part of my world
or hurt me
try to destroy me
never understand
either way I am happy
just the way I am

Miracles

Do you believe
in miracles
little gifts
from God
do you believe
your seed of faith
can grow a field
of hope
when you close your eyes
do you see God
do you think
your whispered prayers
reach God's heavenly grace
do you believe
unanswered prayers
are miracles in disguise
or do you see them
as God closing
His eyes
When you reach
your hands skyward
do you think God
returns your grasp
and when you finally
reach His gates
will he recognize
your face