I am frustrated. At what I'm not entirely sure, I just know that there is this restless agitation within me, and if I don't figure out how to release it soon, I will most likely explode on someone soon. I'm already reaching my breaking point, easily snapping at people and growing angry over nothing. I'm so annoyed that I can't escape immaturity. The way I see some of the camp staff behave just makes me want to roll my eyes, or scream, or both. I just don't get why people can't grow up. Move past the silly games, be quiet when you're told.
I'm tired. Emotionally and physically. This whole thing is so much harder than I imagined it would be, and I was already imagining the worst. I just don't feel like I fit here. There are staff members here that come back year after year for whatever reason, and they are so incredibly loved. I want to be loved like that. I want to be someone at camp that people actually love seeing, but it hasn't happened yet and with my personality it most likely never will.
I'm so glad we're already halfway done. I want to go home. Home sucks, but right now I'd much rather be there than here. I'm just wanting to let go. Let go of the progress I've made, let go of hope, and just sink way down deep. Close my eyes never to be opened again. Escape this cruel thing called life. I don't know how I'll survive another weekend alone in this ghost town either.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Why?
Why?? Why do people refuse to grow up? Everyone at this camp should be mature enough to respect people's feelings, to treat people with respect. It's not necessary to stab other people in the back, it's not necessary to gossip without regard to how other people might feel. I hate how there are always cliques. No matter where you turn in life, there are always these invisible walls that stop you from entering. I know every single person has felt that way at some point in their lives. And it's not fair. I know, I know life isn't fair. Why should it be? But people can make an effort. Life doesn't have to be nearly as unfair and hurtful as it is. People create that. I know God never said life would be fair, but he never exactly said it had to be harsh either. Bad things happen. I know that more than alot of people. But, people should be lifting eachother up in that body of Christ. When we are hurting, the world, people of Christ should lift us up, not push us back down. I try my best to uplift others. I know I often fail at it. It's kind of hard to lift other people up when you are already under ground. But...idk....I do my best and I don't understand why other people can't be mature enough to do the same thing.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Camp
It is so weird being at camp this summer. It almost doesn't feel real at times, like I need to pinch myself to remind me that this isn't all just some crazy dream. I'm working at a camp. Me...pathetically shy and introverted...am doing a skit every monday, and singing and dancing to stupid camp songs every meal, sometimes even at camp fire. It's hard to believe the things I'm doing. Leading an elective the first two weeks, being in a position where I need to be authoritative.
That's been the hardest part for me. I just have a hard time feeling adeguate, feeling like I have any control over the situation. In the past three weeks of camp I've had to deal with some crazy/disrespectful kids, and there have been behavior issues I couldn't let slide. I'm getting better, I feel like each week I handle the situations better as they come up.
Every time I see a kid here, and I see the way they act, I wonder what there stories are. I know that behind each face there is a story, and I know they aren't always good ones. When people look at me, it's not like they can see the scars or the many stories behind them. I want to know people's stories. I want to use my own scars to help heal theirs, or even better...to prevent them from even happening in the first place. But I guess all I really can do is share my passion for art, and hopefully help at least some of them find a creative outlet for whatever they may be struggling with.
It is so hard to believe that the first two weeks the oldest the kids got was 12. These kids are making themselves grow up way to quickly, or at least, they are potraying themselves that way. I mean, the words I heard one of the 12 year olds using, the attitudes, they way they dress. I mean, my own sister is almost 13, I compare her to these girls and I just can't believe they are the same ages. I mean, I'm talking 12 year olds with lip rings and eyebrow peircings, tight inappropriate clothing, and dyed hair. What 12 year old needs these things? There was this one girl, who literally had a way of making every single silly camp dance look inappropriate. I don't know how she managed it. I mean she did participate in every song, but she made them look dirty. I couldn't believe this girl was my sisters age. I was never like that, Katie doesn't seem like she'll ever be. In some ways I truly feel sorry for these kids, for many of the kids in this generation that think it's a race to grow up. Because when you get to be my age, and older of course, you wish you could go back. You wish you could have cherished the bliss of childhood for just a few more years. Or at least I do.
Guess that's all I have for now. I'm sick as usual, my RSD/FM has decided it hates me, and I'm struggling to keep my chin up. I don't know where my path goes from here, I don't know if I want to go back to NNU, I just don't know anything anymore. I seem to have lost the map of life, and I'm just trying to find someplace in this world I'll finally fit. I'm tired of being the puzzle peice that has been carelessly thrust into the wrong box.
That's been the hardest part for me. I just have a hard time feeling adeguate, feeling like I have any control over the situation. In the past three weeks of camp I've had to deal with some crazy/disrespectful kids, and there have been behavior issues I couldn't let slide. I'm getting better, I feel like each week I handle the situations better as they come up.
Every time I see a kid here, and I see the way they act, I wonder what there stories are. I know that behind each face there is a story, and I know they aren't always good ones. When people look at me, it's not like they can see the scars or the many stories behind them. I want to know people's stories. I want to use my own scars to help heal theirs, or even better...to prevent them from even happening in the first place. But I guess all I really can do is share my passion for art, and hopefully help at least some of them find a creative outlet for whatever they may be struggling with.
It is so hard to believe that the first two weeks the oldest the kids got was 12. These kids are making themselves grow up way to quickly, or at least, they are potraying themselves that way. I mean, the words I heard one of the 12 year olds using, the attitudes, they way they dress. I mean, my own sister is almost 13, I compare her to these girls and I just can't believe they are the same ages. I mean, I'm talking 12 year olds with lip rings and eyebrow peircings, tight inappropriate clothing, and dyed hair. What 12 year old needs these things? There was this one girl, who literally had a way of making every single silly camp dance look inappropriate. I don't know how she managed it. I mean she did participate in every song, but she made them look dirty. I couldn't believe this girl was my sisters age. I was never like that, Katie doesn't seem like she'll ever be. In some ways I truly feel sorry for these kids, for many of the kids in this generation that think it's a race to grow up. Because when you get to be my age, and older of course, you wish you could go back. You wish you could have cherished the bliss of childhood for just a few more years. Or at least I do.
Guess that's all I have for now. I'm sick as usual, my RSD/FM has decided it hates me, and I'm struggling to keep my chin up. I don't know where my path goes from here, I don't know if I want to go back to NNU, I just don't know anything anymore. I seem to have lost the map of life, and I'm just trying to find someplace in this world I'll finally fit. I'm tired of being the puzzle peice that has been carelessly thrust into the wrong box.
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