Finally an answer?

We've been hoping and praying for months now to find out what is wrong with my mom. And well...we may have finally found our answer, but it isn't an answer I wanted to hear. Isn't an answer any of us want to hear. In my heart I'm not even sure it is the right answer. My mom...may have advanced full body Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy. You know that lovely disease that took away my balance, turned my legs purple, and causes me to be in excruciating pain every day of my life? Yeah...that condition. I've had treatments and I've gotten alot better, but my mom would be where I was at when I was diagnosed all those years ago...(wow ten years ago now). Where every little touch hurts, you feel burning, aching, fiery pain all throughout your body. No matter what you do, you can't feel better. There is no cure. It is an incurable disease. Although treatment has come a long way from when I was diagnosed at age nine. When I was diagnosed, there were only two websites on the whole internet, and most doctors didn't even know what it was. Heck, most people still haven't heard of it. It is a very lonely and painful existance. She's going to start on some really powerful pain meds, and she is also going to have the same nerve block I had done three times as a kid. They help, but God is it a painful operation. You try having a catheder in your spine without complaining. It leads to all these other health problems that I have: Fibromyalgia, gastroparesis, and carpal tunnel. The root of all these problems is in an overactive immune system. I guess it could explain how much pain my mom is in, and why her arms have been turning purple. But i don't understand how it could possibly explain the slurred words, or the head feeling heavy, or the blacking out, or the vision loss. I'm just not satisfied. And if this is RSD, and she is resistant to treatment like me, then she will never get better. And our family will never be the same, and my dad will never understand what we both go through on a daily basis. I'm tired of my life falling down around me and having absolutely nothing I can do about it. You think I want my family to fall apart? It sucks. It royally sucks and there is nothing, I repeat NOTHING I can do to stop the process now that it's started. All I can do is do my best to be there for my sisters, which isn't easy when you are in college and every moment of free time is being taken up by schoolwork. Even on this so called break I have so much to do that it really isn't even a break. And since NNU's break doesn't match with the rest of the school's breaks my friends are all still in school, my college friends aren't here, and my sisters are too busy to really spend time with me. Hence I am trapped in a prison feeling alone.

Journey

Right now I am finding myself on a journey...a journey to find love, to find myself, to find love in this world. I guess most importantly I am on a journey to know who God is again. I've lost my way, fallen from the path, and sometimes to be honest it's like I'm not even sure He exists. I feel my faith getting stronger lately, and it has been a comfort. You see, I can't exactly count on my earthly father to love me, or care for me, or even be dependable, but I know I can safely count on my heavenly father. And that is so important. I just wish I could feel him more.

What I want more than anything in this world is love. To get love and to give love. To have someone who complete's my life, and who's life isn't complete without me in it. I don't have anyone like that now....I have people who my day doesn't feel complete until I see them, but those are friends, and I doubt I complete their lives. What I mean is a boy...it would be nice to be someone special to someone. But I just can't see it ever happening. I'm so shy, i get tense and nervous and don't feel safe around guys, and I'm not pretty, and I have all of these health issues to complicate everything. I mean who wants a girl who if you hug her too hard she'll cry? I wouldn't.

I wish I were pretty. Wish I were talented. Wish I knew where I belong in this world. I feel like a puzzle peice that somehow made it's way into the wrong box. And no matter how hard I search I will never find my place.

I'm really struggling with accepting that I'm bipolar. I'm struggling to get used to the constant mood swings, the roller coaster that is my life. I'm tired of watching my family fall apart before me, and having no one to comfort me in these times of trouble. I used to think I was finding someplace I belonged at school, but now I'm not so sure. I don't feel as close to the people I live with anymore. I feel like I'm failing miserably at being a student. And to be honest I feel like I could just lock myself in my room all day and work on art and write my stories and be completely content. But that doesn't exactly do anything productive towards my future. But where is my future? Do I even have a future? God...what do you want me to do in life? I don't know my path, I don't understand how someone created by you can be so plain, average, talentless. Sure I can write okay, but I'm not amazing or anything. I can draw okay, I can do stupid random swirly patterns that for some reason people like....but I'm far from amazing and never will be. And I still don't agree with any of the people who claim I can sing. I contemplated joining the one choir at school like Whitney has been pressuring me to do since we met practically, but I don't think I'm going to. I just don't feel talented. I feel plain and boring. I just want one thing...one thing about myself that I can feel good about. So far, I have failed miserably at finding it.

Facebook | Becca Schreiber

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Facebook | Becca Schreiber