Driving and life in general

As far as I can tell, driving is nothing more than a chance to increase your risk of dying. It's dangerous, and other people are often stupid. I don't like driving, because one, I can't predict what other people will do, and two I don't know how to get anywhere. It's too much to try to figure out where I'm going and focus on the rules of driving at the same time. I am nervous, I don't even know if I'm good enough to pass the drivers test. And that's alot of money to risk losing it. Money I don't even really have. Because while I accomplished alot this summer getting enough credits to be a senior, I also didn't make any money. And since my family doesn't have money either, they expect me to pay for more stuff than usual. Which far as I can tell just means we'll both run out of money soon. Ironically Katie is the one with the most money to spare right now, because she's making a decent amount babysitting. And yet...my mom was willing to spend more than a hundred dollars on her paying for new clothes, didn't even make her pay for any of it. I don't know what else she's supposed to do with the money. Strange as this might sound to people, I actually don't want to die. And I don't want to kill anyone. Driving increased the chances of both of those. And yet, I can't get a job, I can't live if I don't drive. Not that it matters, because we can't afford insurance. So I can learn to drive, get my liscense, and then not drive for a year. Which is a problem becaus PSR work is my most likely available job after graduation, and that requires a liscense and being comfortable driving clients.

Speaking of which, have I mentioned how scary this school year is? Not being with my class, being with someone who may or may not speak english well. Facing 17 credits first semester, which might feel easy after 12 during the summer. Graduating...most likely losing contact with all my friends. Unless you count through facebook. And the real world, trying to find a place to live, a way to pay all my bills, and those lovely student loan debts. Rumor is the world will end in 2012. Frankly I'd be ok with that. Except maybe not, because I don't know if someone with as much doubt as me can be considered saved. And with as hellish as life has been, I certainly don't want to wind up spending eternity in hell. I don't know how to change my outlook though, I don't know how to feel God. And without feeling God, I know that I will never be able to easily shake my doubts.

Anyways, that's what's running through my mind right now. High anxiety levels as usual. Disappointed break is almost over. Wishing I had more time to figure out everything. Now, I guess I should get back to studying for the written test. I sure hope it's similar to the permit test, because that's what I'm prepared for.