sigh

I am in serious need of help.

Driving and life in general

As far as I can tell, driving is nothing more than a chance to increase your risk of dying. It's dangerous, and other people are often stupid. I don't like driving, because one, I can't predict what other people will do, and two I don't know how to get anywhere. It's too much to try to figure out where I'm going and focus on the rules of driving at the same time. I am nervous, I don't even know if I'm good enough to pass the drivers test. And that's alot of money to risk losing it. Money I don't even really have. Because while I accomplished alot this summer getting enough credits to be a senior, I also didn't make any money. And since my family doesn't have money either, they expect me to pay for more stuff than usual. Which far as I can tell just means we'll both run out of money soon. Ironically Katie is the one with the most money to spare right now, because she's making a decent amount babysitting. And yet...my mom was willing to spend more than a hundred dollars on her paying for new clothes, didn't even make her pay for any of it. I don't know what else she's supposed to do with the money. Strange as this might sound to people, I actually don't want to die. And I don't want to kill anyone. Driving increased the chances of both of those. And yet, I can't get a job, I can't live if I don't drive. Not that it matters, because we can't afford insurance. So I can learn to drive, get my liscense, and then not drive for a year. Which is a problem becaus PSR work is my most likely available job after graduation, and that requires a liscense and being comfortable driving clients.

Speaking of which, have I mentioned how scary this school year is? Not being with my class, being with someone who may or may not speak english well. Facing 17 credits first semester, which might feel easy after 12 during the summer. Graduating...most likely losing contact with all my friends. Unless you count through facebook. And the real world, trying to find a place to live, a way to pay all my bills, and those lovely student loan debts. Rumor is the world will end in 2012. Frankly I'd be ok with that. Except maybe not, because I don't know if someone with as much doubt as me can be considered saved. And with as hellish as life has been, I certainly don't want to wind up spending eternity in hell. I don't know how to change my outlook though, I don't know how to feel God. And without feeling God, I know that I will never be able to easily shake my doubts.

Anyways, that's what's running through my mind right now. High anxiety levels as usual. Disappointed break is almost over. Wishing I had more time to figure out everything. Now, I guess I should get back to studying for the written test. I sure hope it's similar to the permit test, because that's what I'm prepared for.

unbreakable

Just writing to say, my blog name is a lie. I am not unbreakable. I am in fact very breakable and very much broken these days.

why

Why is everything in life so complicated? I'll give you a million dollars (ha ha ha like I have that) if you can give me a legitimate answer.

Love is in the air

Love is in the air, or so it seems. Seems people all around me are married or engaged. I've gotten three wedding group invites in the past several weeks. And admist all that happiness I can't help but wonder, will it ever be me? I know I've written about this before, but it's kind of a reoccuring feeling. I tell myself sometimes I really don't care that I've never really had a relationship. But then other times, I look around me and see other happy people and think, you know I really want that. I've never felt special, not to myself and not to others. I feel kind of average in everything. The only thing I hold onto as a gift is my writing, and as it turns out I've had zero luck getting published even in small magazines. I wonder what about me will ever stand out in someone's eyes. Is there really someone out there for everyone, or am I destined to always be alone? I have very few friends, I get rather lonely. I spend alot of my time alone. Not really because I want to be alone, but just because no one really wants to be around me. Which I get it ok. I'm too depressed. I'm too blunt with people so it comes out rude. I'm overly dramatic sometimes, and I must confess sometimes in my depression I take advantage of other people. To be honest I can see myself getting in a relationship and then driving the person away being too suspicious and dependent. I'm that way, I have so few friends that I get very paranoid with the ones I have. Even the ones who actually hang out with me, I constantly wonder....do I really mean something to this person? I want to believe they do, but something broke inside of me a long time ago. And lately I have become overly concerned with looks. I have this discoloration on my cheek, which the dermatologist told me could be a permanent change in pigmintation. Or it could go away but who knows how long that'll take. I have an cyst on my chest, what could very well be a permanent scar in a rather intimate place. I have scars I'll someday have to explain. Which on a side note it's been over 80 days now. I'm too lazy to count it up right now. I'm afraid of what comes after college, afraid that all my friends will go back to their respective states and I'll never hear from them again. I barely hear from people now, I guess they have a life. I have a friend who said she'd call me on my birthday, I'm debating of whether I should subtley remind her, or if I should just wait and see if she actually follows through. I do that, I test people. Twisted of me I guess, it's my own game of prove you care that I do sometimes. A habit I suppose I should break if I ever want someone to dare enter my life and stay there. I look forward to tomorrow, I might be able to see high school friends who at one point I thought perhaps had fallen off the face of the earth, although I suppose I've done the same in my own right. I am wondering when the pieces fall into place, when the prayers get answered. God listens right? I wonder how long He'll be silent. Or am I just too challenged to hear him? I'm sick of foodbank food. Sick of knowing I am now uninsured and my health is on the line. Afraid that as the bipolar meds run out I'll go back into the darkness that tried to choke out my life sophomore year. I'm running out of steam, running out of desire. I need someone or something to come into my life and make me feel alive again. I pray that God will bring someone into my life. A new friend, or perhaps an old one that's lost touch. I pray that there is someone out there for me, that I wont die alone, the crazy rat lady. I hope, I pray, I try to hang on.

untitled for now

Who should go forth to change the world?
When will somebody dare to go try?
So that the crippled hands of man can be unfurled
And the children no longer have to cry

Out in pain and sheer lack of hope
We’ve waited so long but no one has come
Everyone has grown tired of trying to cope
We’re wanting to forget where we’ve come from

Will you be the answer to our prayer?
Be willing and brave
In this, our most uncertain hour
Be the one we’ve been told has freely gave

You are the answer given by God above
We know to this world you’ll bring pure love

What Sweet A Thing

What Sweet a Thing
What sweet a thing to call yourself a Christian,
A beloved child of the good Lord above
What does it mean to live life on a mission?
To say that you serve a God of love

How can you dare to claim to be Christ-like
When all the while you scorn the needy
You take all of the people you strongly dislike
And Judge as you take from them greedily

Doesn't Christ-like mean giving in compassion?
To represent the love of God to others
Shouldn't you be reaching out with passion?
Treating all others as your sisters and brothers

Go out in this world and be the light
Turning this dark world into a place so bright