Christmas

Well it's officially Christmas. Can't believe it's already here. Seems like this semester flew by, and for some reason it just hasn't been feeling like the Christmas season this year. I know that Christmas is supposed to be a joyful day, celebrating Christ's birth and all that. But, sometimes it's hard to find that joy or see it for what it is truly meant to be. This season should be full of giving and love. Although really, why just one season? Why just one month? Why just one day? Shouldn't we rejoice in what Christ did for us every day? Shouldn't we spend time with family and give out of love every day we exist? Seems to me we should, even though I know many of us don't. I'm not claiming to be perfect, I certainly don't marvel in what Christ did for me on a daily basis. But, it seems to me something needs to change. Honestly, I have no problem with kids believing in Santa, and looking forward to presents under the tree. I have no problem with the fact that kids often think of presents and trees with colorful lights when they think Christmas. I honestly doubt Christ has any opinion one way or another about letting kids believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy, and all the other wonderful characters of childhood. It's fun and exciting and it lets them be kids. I don't think Christ expects us to be any more holy, or focus on him in some special way on Christmas. I think he wants that love from us always. I think he'd like us to stop bashing people for turning Christmas into a commercial holiday and instead find a way to use that to reach people. I don't entirely know what needs to change about Christmas, I just know that the fact that depression and suicide rates rise during the Christmas season is a sign that something is seriously wrong with the atmosphere we create during the holiday seasons. It is supposed to be a day of celebrating life, not ending it.

That said, I am glad it's Christmas. I look forward to a day with my family. To be honest there wasn't anything in particular I wanted this Christmas, I'm just happy that my Aunt and Grandma whom I haven't seen in four years are here with us this year. I look forward to the joy I see on Katie and Courtney's face as they marvel that Santa came and left goodies under the tree and in the stockings. To see Courtney's face light up, and to actually sit down with my family and enjoy a warm home cooked meal.

I think that's why this year hasn't felt like Christmas. Everything's been rushed. My mom's been sick and life's been hectic. We didn't make cookies from scratch, decorating the tree was crammed between events, my mom made the happy birthday cake while we were gone when we normally do it as a family, and I didn't finish wrapping presents until last night. I think what I needed was that time where things slow down, and you just enjoy the simple things. If only I could capture the joy my older sister holds in every event life presents before her. I know she can be frustrating as heck, and it's hard having an older sister that will never be able to truly be an older sister. I feel bad, I know I don't treat her with as much love as I should sometimes, and I let my temper get the better of me. But really, she has the heart and mind of a child, and I would like to capture that for a day.

So, I welcome Christmas. I wish a joyous day to all around me. But I also pray we can learn to capture the spirit we try to create during this season, and keep it throughout the year. Better yet, I pray we wouldn't have to try so hard to create this season, that it would just be natural to us to remember, praise, give, and love.

Sorry

Sometimes I truly hate myself. Sometimes I look in the mirror and all I feel is disgust. Sometimes I wonder what the point of life is. Sometimes...I just want to feel loved. To be held while I cry.

I feel like a horrible person sometimes too. People always turn on me....so it must be me not them. I'm sorry for the person I am. I'm sorry I'm bipolar. I'm sorry I have FM. I'm sorry I'm not always the nicest person. I'm sorry I complain. I'm sorry I am so hard to be friends with. I'm sorry I'm always up and down. I'm sorry I get jealous. I'm sorry I'm who I am. I'm sorry I can't change that I'm me. I'm just...I'm sorry.

Lonely

I am struggling this year. Not so much in the emotional fashion I was last year, although the bipolar does occassionally still mess up my life. And not so much in the physical sense. I mean yes my RSD is getting worse and my FM hurts like hell. I haven't been sleeping...at night anyways. And the doctor just keeps messing with my meds which is getting old. But that's not why I'm struggling.

I'm struggling because I feel completely alone. I need support if I'm going to go through this again, and yet I don't feel that I have it. Sure I get plenty of the people saying I love you and I'm there for you...but are they really? Because I spend almost every waking minute alone. Even when I'm in my apartment my roommates and I barely talk, and that's when they're actually around to begin with.

I go to meals alone most of the time. Or I go with one of the people from the "group" but in reality that group fell apart freshman year. I go solely to keep from going alone, but in order to sit with them I have to sit with him and his group....and so even if I do sit with them I feel awkward and alone. Seems like none of my relationships are the same as last year. I don't have a group, I don't have a place I fit, I don't have a wing....so yeah I have no one.

I have two good friends, who I know without a doubt are here for me. But unfortunately one is really busy and lives off campus and the other is an hour's drive away from me.

So we go back to my problem. I am lonely. Incredibly lonely. People say they are there for me, but when I'm struggling and hurting and need someone...I have no one to be with, no one to talk to, no one to support me. I did last year in some sense...but let's face it that friendship was never really a good thing.

I need a friend. I need love. I need support. I just don't know how to go about getting those things.

struggling

As much as I don't want to admit it, I am struggling. I want to be fine, to prove to people that I am a different person. I know that if I am the person I was last year, the few friends I have left will turn on me. Believe it or not, people don't like downers. As much as I need a support group, as much as I need friends who will love and understand, I don't feel like I have anyone. Because everytime I trust I end up pushing the friend away with my so called negativity. People expect me to be fine. So that's what I'm trying to be.

But unfortunately it's not working. Guess what? I'm bipolar....and as much as I hate it, this is most likely going to be something I battle with the rest of my life. That means, if you want to be my friend, you have to be willing to be there during the ups, and the downs. I don't want to be down anymore than you want me to be, but sometimes no matter how hard I try to fight it, my mood drops and there really isn't much I can do but wait it out.

So I sit at my computer, playing my depression music and crying my eyes out. I haven't cut in over two hundred days. You'd think it'd get easier, but I still find it a constant battle not to give in every time I get down, or stressed, or in pain.

I'm tired God. I'm tired of fighting. I'm not strong enough to do this. My pain is getting worse again, my mood is crashing, I'm stressed and tired, I've had a headache every day for over a month now, and I'm just miserable. I can't handle school, I'm tired of facing my phobias, and I'm just overall tired of life. Tired of a dysfunctional family, tired of pain. TIRED. I want to let go so bad. But then I get told think about what it'll do to people. Think about family and friends. And then this part of my mind goes, screw them. Why should I have to hang on for people who walk away from me every time I get down?

You know what's funny. No one cares when you are manic. When you are in the highs people just think you are hyper and fun. In many ways it is miserable...but nobody worries and nobody cares. But god forbid you go to the other end of the spectrum, and suddenly not only do people get really concerned, but they get turned off. They don't want to be around you anymore. Just something I've noticed...and find kind of ironic. Because both ends are part of the same illness. And seriously...I am still me. That doesn't change. Rebecca is always still in here someplace. So why can't you care enough to stay around?

The Amazing Katie

It's the wonderful, the Amazing...Katie Elizabeth Schreiber in her latest performance. Our church was invited to have the kids sing at a childrens conference, so a team was put together and of course Katie was chosen as one of them. I love sharing her singing...she has a gift but more importantly she has a desire to use that gift for God

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swx3RXGSFt0

Do You?

Do you think God still loves me, even though sometimes I lay down against the cool tiles of my bedroom, close my eyes, and dream of all the ways I could leave this earth? Do you think God still loves me, despite the fact that sometimes I long for death more than I can bear? Or that I hold a pair of scissors to my wrist desperately fighting the urge to dig it into my flesh, and let the blood flow freely? Do you think God can forgive me, for wanting to return the gift of life He's given me. I wonder if he is ashamed to call me his daughter. If he sees a mistake when he looks at me. I wonder....if I can forgive me. Does the world see me as worthless, or is it just me?

Jealousy

Okay, so I admit it, I have jealousy issues. Not the best problem to have, but hey at least I admit it. You see, I have such a strong desire to be anybody other than me, and because of that I grow jealous of people who are more outgoing, more artistic, etc. For instance, sometimes I’m jealous of my sister, because she is such an amazing singer. And she’s doing things I never could…singing solos in front of hundreds of people. Or I look at the facebook photo albums of some of my friends, and see pictures of them going to social events, being involved, and actually having an amazing college experiences. I don’t have those. I’m a junior now and I haven’t done anything amazing. I haven’t gotten involved. I’ve barely even gone to social functions. I’m still a loner, who has very few friends, and even with the few friends I have I spend a pathetic amount of time alone. I’m the girl who skips meals because I’m too scared to go to the dex alone. I’m the person who sits alone at chapel and timeout because I have no one to be with. I’m the girl whose story is barely worth listening to it’s so boring. I am insignificant. We will graduate, we will move on with our lives. I won’t become anything amazing, and I’m sure no one from school will even remember me in a matter of years. I’ll just be yet another nobody who’s walked these halls.