I am frustrated. At what I'm not entirely sure, I just know that there is this restless agitation within me, and if I don't figure out how to release it soon, I will most likely explode on someone soon. I'm already reaching my breaking point, easily snapping at people and growing angry over nothing. I'm so annoyed that I can't escape immaturity. The way I see some of the camp staff behave just makes me want to roll my eyes, or scream, or both. I just don't get why people can't grow up. Move past the silly games, be quiet when you're told.
I'm tired. Emotionally and physically. This whole thing is so much harder than I imagined it would be, and I was already imagining the worst. I just don't feel like I fit here. There are staff members here that come back year after year for whatever reason, and they are so incredibly loved. I want to be loved like that. I want to be someone at camp that people actually love seeing, but it hasn't happened yet and with my personality it most likely never will.
I'm so glad we're already halfway done. I want to go home. Home sucks, but right now I'd much rather be there than here. I'm just wanting to let go. Let go of the progress I've made, let go of hope, and just sink way down deep. Close my eyes never to be opened again. Escape this cruel thing called life. I don't know how I'll survive another weekend alone in this ghost town either.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Friday, July 16, 2010
Why?
Why?? Why do people refuse to grow up? Everyone at this camp should be mature enough to respect people's feelings, to treat people with respect. It's not necessary to stab other people in the back, it's not necessary to gossip without regard to how other people might feel. I hate how there are always cliques. No matter where you turn in life, there are always these invisible walls that stop you from entering. I know every single person has felt that way at some point in their lives. And it's not fair. I know, I know life isn't fair. Why should it be? But people can make an effort. Life doesn't have to be nearly as unfair and hurtful as it is. People create that. I know God never said life would be fair, but he never exactly said it had to be harsh either. Bad things happen. I know that more than alot of people. But, people should be lifting eachother up in that body of Christ. When we are hurting, the world, people of Christ should lift us up, not push us back down. I try my best to uplift others. I know I often fail at it. It's kind of hard to lift other people up when you are already under ground. But...idk....I do my best and I don't understand why other people can't be mature enough to do the same thing.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Camp
It is so weird being at camp this summer. It almost doesn't feel real at times, like I need to pinch myself to remind me that this isn't all just some crazy dream. I'm working at a camp. Me...pathetically shy and introverted...am doing a skit every monday, and singing and dancing to stupid camp songs every meal, sometimes even at camp fire. It's hard to believe the things I'm doing. Leading an elective the first two weeks, being in a position where I need to be authoritative.
That's been the hardest part for me. I just have a hard time feeling adeguate, feeling like I have any control over the situation. In the past three weeks of camp I've had to deal with some crazy/disrespectful kids, and there have been behavior issues I couldn't let slide. I'm getting better, I feel like each week I handle the situations better as they come up.
Every time I see a kid here, and I see the way they act, I wonder what there stories are. I know that behind each face there is a story, and I know they aren't always good ones. When people look at me, it's not like they can see the scars or the many stories behind them. I want to know people's stories. I want to use my own scars to help heal theirs, or even better...to prevent them from even happening in the first place. But I guess all I really can do is share my passion for art, and hopefully help at least some of them find a creative outlet for whatever they may be struggling with.
It is so hard to believe that the first two weeks the oldest the kids got was 12. These kids are making themselves grow up way to quickly, or at least, they are potraying themselves that way. I mean, the words I heard one of the 12 year olds using, the attitudes, they way they dress. I mean, my own sister is almost 13, I compare her to these girls and I just can't believe they are the same ages. I mean, I'm talking 12 year olds with lip rings and eyebrow peircings, tight inappropriate clothing, and dyed hair. What 12 year old needs these things? There was this one girl, who literally had a way of making every single silly camp dance look inappropriate. I don't know how she managed it. I mean she did participate in every song, but she made them look dirty. I couldn't believe this girl was my sisters age. I was never like that, Katie doesn't seem like she'll ever be. In some ways I truly feel sorry for these kids, for many of the kids in this generation that think it's a race to grow up. Because when you get to be my age, and older of course, you wish you could go back. You wish you could have cherished the bliss of childhood for just a few more years. Or at least I do.
Guess that's all I have for now. I'm sick as usual, my RSD/FM has decided it hates me, and I'm struggling to keep my chin up. I don't know where my path goes from here, I don't know if I want to go back to NNU, I just don't know anything anymore. I seem to have lost the map of life, and I'm just trying to find someplace in this world I'll finally fit. I'm tired of being the puzzle peice that has been carelessly thrust into the wrong box.
That's been the hardest part for me. I just have a hard time feeling adeguate, feeling like I have any control over the situation. In the past three weeks of camp I've had to deal with some crazy/disrespectful kids, and there have been behavior issues I couldn't let slide. I'm getting better, I feel like each week I handle the situations better as they come up.
Every time I see a kid here, and I see the way they act, I wonder what there stories are. I know that behind each face there is a story, and I know they aren't always good ones. When people look at me, it's not like they can see the scars or the many stories behind them. I want to know people's stories. I want to use my own scars to help heal theirs, or even better...to prevent them from even happening in the first place. But I guess all I really can do is share my passion for art, and hopefully help at least some of them find a creative outlet for whatever they may be struggling with.
It is so hard to believe that the first two weeks the oldest the kids got was 12. These kids are making themselves grow up way to quickly, or at least, they are potraying themselves that way. I mean, the words I heard one of the 12 year olds using, the attitudes, they way they dress. I mean, my own sister is almost 13, I compare her to these girls and I just can't believe they are the same ages. I mean, I'm talking 12 year olds with lip rings and eyebrow peircings, tight inappropriate clothing, and dyed hair. What 12 year old needs these things? There was this one girl, who literally had a way of making every single silly camp dance look inappropriate. I don't know how she managed it. I mean she did participate in every song, but she made them look dirty. I couldn't believe this girl was my sisters age. I was never like that, Katie doesn't seem like she'll ever be. In some ways I truly feel sorry for these kids, for many of the kids in this generation that think it's a race to grow up. Because when you get to be my age, and older of course, you wish you could go back. You wish you could have cherished the bliss of childhood for just a few more years. Or at least I do.
Guess that's all I have for now. I'm sick as usual, my RSD/FM has decided it hates me, and I'm struggling to keep my chin up. I don't know where my path goes from here, I don't know if I want to go back to NNU, I just don't know anything anymore. I seem to have lost the map of life, and I'm just trying to find someplace in this world I'll finally fit. I'm tired of being the puzzle peice that has been carelessly thrust into the wrong box.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Leave for Camp today
Well I am currently at JJ's house. She's at work, so I guess it is just me and whatever sister is home. I feel really awkward. Her older sister made more of an effort to talk to me, so I feel comfortable around her already. I'm sure the younger sister is nice...but I feel like she either thinks I'm weird or doesn't like me because I don't really talk if I don't know you well. Or you know, if you make an effort to talk to me first.
It's funny. I tried all summer to start waking up at nine or earlier so I wasn't waking up at an absurd hour. But I failed often. It was impossible to wake up at eight, and I would usually press snooze so many times I'd wake up more like ten. But yesterday, I wake up before eight and can't fall back asleep. Today I set my alarm for ten. I figured it's my last day to sleep in. And I feel awkward at JJ's house when she isn't here, so I figured the later I slept in the less time I had to be here alone before I left for camp. Yet I woke up several times before nine and struggled to fall back asleep, before finally waking up just before nine. I guess it's nerves about camp combined with sleeping in a strange place. I know I'll be tired later on because of this, but oh well. I'm going to have to get used to waking up way earlier than this.
Speaking of camp, I head there today. We leave around one and it takes about a half hour to get there. I'm so nervous I feel sick. And...JJ's boyfriend Aaron is the one driving me, and I'm so uncomfortable around him. I don't talk, and I especially don't talk to boys. They just put me on edge. So not only am I dreading camp but I'm dreading the drive there.
It's funny. I tried all summer to start waking up at nine or earlier so I wasn't waking up at an absurd hour. But I failed often. It was impossible to wake up at eight, and I would usually press snooze so many times I'd wake up more like ten. But yesterday, I wake up before eight and can't fall back asleep. Today I set my alarm for ten. I figured it's my last day to sleep in. And I feel awkward at JJ's house when she isn't here, so I figured the later I slept in the less time I had to be here alone before I left for camp. Yet I woke up several times before nine and struggled to fall back asleep, before finally waking up just before nine. I guess it's nerves about camp combined with sleeping in a strange place. I know I'll be tired later on because of this, but oh well. I'm going to have to get used to waking up way earlier than this.
Speaking of camp, I head there today. We leave around one and it takes about a half hour to get there. I'm so nervous I feel sick. And...JJ's boyfriend Aaron is the one driving me, and I'm so uncomfortable around him. I don't talk, and I especially don't talk to boys. They just put me on edge. So not only am I dreading camp but I'm dreading the drive there.
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Portland
Well it is day two here in portland, and I have no clue why I'm awake. I've been trying for weeks now to get myself to wake up by eight, and have failed miserably. Today I woke up once at five in the morning, struggled to fall back asleep for hours, finally woke up again just before eight and couldn't fall back asleep.
I'm a little creeped out. It feels like I may be in JJ's house alone right now. She is working at a church, but I was for some reason under the impression that I was going to church with the rest of the family. But I don't see anyone anywhere. So being at least somewhat alone in a strange house is a bit weird.
Yesterday we drove around downtown. JJ told me all the places she wants to take me while I'm here. Oh, and we went to this coffee house that I can't remember the name of, I'll have to ask JJ later. But it was interesting. It was more like a dessert house. The house was insanely decorated, weird things hanging from the ceiling, news clippings and fortune cookies that someone had written in bed after each fortune were under the glass of the table. I coolest/scariest part was the bathroom. It was decorated like under the sea, except more like a horror scene. There was a body in a bathtub, feet seemingly coming from the ceiling and if I remember correctly two hands coming out of the wall. I couldn't decide if it was cool or creepy, but I did jump when I noticed the fake guy in the bathtub. JJ insisted I go to the bathroom...now I know why.
Flying was interesting. I don't know that I really care to do it again. During take off I was going please God don't let me die, during flight I was on the verge of an anxiety attack at first, but eventually I calmed down and just looked out the window. I couldn't decide if the view was amazing or if I was terrified. The landing was the worse, because I started getting this horrible pain in my right ear, and I still can't hear properly out of it. JJ insists this will go away though. Her house is on a hill, so that doesn't help.
Oh speaking of her house, it is beautiful. Spacious, and all the tall trees outside the window on every side...breathtaking. We went for a long walk yesterday just so I could look at all the trees. I'll give oregon that, it is very green. But I'd rather live in my very brown Kuna and have less rain to be honest. Although it is beautiful and sunny here. According to JJ yesterday was the first dry warm day they had had. So I guess I got lucky there.
The saddest thing about being here is hearing my mom say how much Katie cried just in the one day I was gone. She cried at the airport too. She doesn't like the thought of me being gone all summer, and she really misses me already. I'm her companion at home, she's practically my best friend.
I'm still terrified about this whole job thing. I arrive at camp tomorrow. Can't decide if the idea excites or sickens me. A little of both I guess.
I'm a little creeped out. It feels like I may be in JJ's house alone right now. She is working at a church, but I was for some reason under the impression that I was going to church with the rest of the family. But I don't see anyone anywhere. So being at least somewhat alone in a strange house is a bit weird.
Yesterday we drove around downtown. JJ told me all the places she wants to take me while I'm here. Oh, and we went to this coffee house that I can't remember the name of, I'll have to ask JJ later. But it was interesting. It was more like a dessert house. The house was insanely decorated, weird things hanging from the ceiling, news clippings and fortune cookies that someone had written in bed after each fortune were under the glass of the table. I coolest/scariest part was the bathroom. It was decorated like under the sea, except more like a horror scene. There was a body in a bathtub, feet seemingly coming from the ceiling and if I remember correctly two hands coming out of the wall. I couldn't decide if it was cool or creepy, but I did jump when I noticed the fake guy in the bathtub. JJ insisted I go to the bathroom...now I know why.
Flying was interesting. I don't know that I really care to do it again. During take off I was going please God don't let me die, during flight I was on the verge of an anxiety attack at first, but eventually I calmed down and just looked out the window. I couldn't decide if the view was amazing or if I was terrified. The landing was the worse, because I started getting this horrible pain in my right ear, and I still can't hear properly out of it. JJ insists this will go away though. Her house is on a hill, so that doesn't help.
Oh speaking of her house, it is beautiful. Spacious, and all the tall trees outside the window on every side...breathtaking. We went for a long walk yesterday just so I could look at all the trees. I'll give oregon that, it is very green. But I'd rather live in my very brown Kuna and have less rain to be honest. Although it is beautiful and sunny here. According to JJ yesterday was the first dry warm day they had had. So I guess I got lucky there.
The saddest thing about being here is hearing my mom say how much Katie cried just in the one day I was gone. She cried at the airport too. She doesn't like the thought of me being gone all summer, and she really misses me already. I'm her companion at home, she's practically my best friend.
I'm still terrified about this whole job thing. I arrive at camp tomorrow. Can't decide if the idea excites or sickens me. A little of both I guess.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Heading out
Tomorrow I board a plane and head to portland. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't incredibly nervous. I've never done anything like this before. I wish i could be like some of my friends, seemingly fearless and willing to face the world. Why am I so afraid to face anything in this life? every little things scares me, and it is when this feeling overwhelms me that I begin to think there is no point in living, because I'll never be able to handle life. I hope this summer proves me wrong. I hope I have an amazing time and end up wanting to come back again. I'm just too scared right now to even see the possibility of that coming true.
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