Love is in the air

Love is in the air, or so it seems. Seems people all around me are married or engaged. I've gotten three wedding group invites in the past several weeks. And admist all that happiness I can't help but wonder, will it ever be me? I know I've written about this before, but it's kind of a reoccuring feeling. I tell myself sometimes I really don't care that I've never really had a relationship. But then other times, I look around me and see other happy people and think, you know I really want that. I've never felt special, not to myself and not to others. I feel kind of average in everything. The only thing I hold onto as a gift is my writing, and as it turns out I've had zero luck getting published even in small magazines. I wonder what about me will ever stand out in someone's eyes. Is there really someone out there for everyone, or am I destined to always be alone? I have very few friends, I get rather lonely. I spend alot of my time alone. Not really because I want to be alone, but just because no one really wants to be around me. Which I get it ok. I'm too depressed. I'm too blunt with people so it comes out rude. I'm overly dramatic sometimes, and I must confess sometimes in my depression I take advantage of other people. To be honest I can see myself getting in a relationship and then driving the person away being too suspicious and dependent. I'm that way, I have so few friends that I get very paranoid with the ones I have. Even the ones who actually hang out with me, I constantly wonder....do I really mean something to this person? I want to believe they do, but something broke inside of me a long time ago. And lately I have become overly concerned with looks. I have this discoloration on my cheek, which the dermatologist told me could be a permanent change in pigmintation. Or it could go away but who knows how long that'll take. I have an cyst on my chest, what could very well be a permanent scar in a rather intimate place. I have scars I'll someday have to explain. Which on a side note it's been over 80 days now. I'm too lazy to count it up right now. I'm afraid of what comes after college, afraid that all my friends will go back to their respective states and I'll never hear from them again. I barely hear from people now, I guess they have a life. I have a friend who said she'd call me on my birthday, I'm debating of whether I should subtley remind her, or if I should just wait and see if she actually follows through. I do that, I test people. Twisted of me I guess, it's my own game of prove you care that I do sometimes. A habit I suppose I should break if I ever want someone to dare enter my life and stay there. I look forward to tomorrow, I might be able to see high school friends who at one point I thought perhaps had fallen off the face of the earth, although I suppose I've done the same in my own right. I am wondering when the pieces fall into place, when the prayers get answered. God listens right? I wonder how long He'll be silent. Or am I just too challenged to hear him? I'm sick of foodbank food. Sick of knowing I am now uninsured and my health is on the line. Afraid that as the bipolar meds run out I'll go back into the darkness that tried to choke out my life sophomore year. I'm running out of steam, running out of desire. I need someone or something to come into my life and make me feel alive again. I pray that God will bring someone into my life. A new friend, or perhaps an old one that's lost touch. I pray that there is someone out there for me, that I wont die alone, the crazy rat lady. I hope, I pray, I try to hang on.

untitled for now

Who should go forth to change the world?
When will somebody dare to go try?
So that the crippled hands of man can be unfurled
And the children no longer have to cry

Out in pain and sheer lack of hope
We’ve waited so long but no one has come
Everyone has grown tired of trying to cope
We’re wanting to forget where we’ve come from

Will you be the answer to our prayer?
Be willing and brave
In this, our most uncertain hour
Be the one we’ve been told has freely gave

You are the answer given by God above
We know to this world you’ll bring pure love

What Sweet A Thing

What Sweet a Thing
What sweet a thing to call yourself a Christian,
A beloved child of the good Lord above
What does it mean to live life on a mission?
To say that you serve a God of love

How can you dare to claim to be Christ-like
When all the while you scorn the needy
You take all of the people you strongly dislike
And Judge as you take from them greedily

Doesn't Christ-like mean giving in compassion?
To represent the love of God to others
Shouldn't you be reaching out with passion?
Treating all others as your sisters and brothers

Go out in this world and be the light
Turning this dark world into a place so bright

Love's Hand

Love’s Hand

You asked for my hand,
A piece of my heart
A part of me
I didn’t understand
Emotions flowed from the start
But I wasn’t sure who to be

Somehow I was never
Quite able to see
The person you always
Saw in me

You saw beauty
And talent
Love and a friend
For you it wasn’t a sense of duty
Or to appear gallant
It was hard to comprehend

How I could
Have possibly found
As the fairytales say, my true love.
To me it didn’t seem I ever would,
Hear the melody of love’s song
Or to see that white dove

Fluttering in the air,
A bouquet of flowers
In my hand
No more uncertain hours,
Or a need to understand
That my heart now and forever,
Is held in your hand.

Faucet

Faucet
Drip, Drip, Drip
Water trickles from the faucet
A steady leak from my soul

Tears of heartache,
Long ago dried
The salty streams,
Now a barren bed
Weaving through the ground,
Echoing the sound

Of the whispers in my heart,
Longing for a fresh start
Praying for forgiveness
Hoping for Love
A cure for my loneliness,
This thing called friendliness,
Shattering the emptiness.

Filling the well
Nourishing the ground
Allowing new life
To flourish
As sad goodbyes
Perish

Freedom

What does freedom mean to you?
Living in the land of the
Red white and blue
Does it mean fireworks, watermelon
A BBQ on the lawn
Or do you see men fighting
For our land
Kids crying
For the lost
Do you see the blessing
Of being able to sit casually
In your backyard
Enjoying this day
And knowing that you’re safe
Cherishing the fact
That you have food and shelter
Love and communion
Freedom to believe
To worship
To speak
And express your individuality
Peace for today
And Hope for tomorrow
Such fragile things to some
In the palm of your hands
Be proud for the people
Who fight and defend
So that you can enjoy
The promise of this land

Future

I am currently incredibly nervous. Monday I start probably the hardest set of classes I've ever taken. Three semester long classes done in four weeks is crazy intense. You should see the amount of reading, assignments, and tests they cram into that period, and I have no clue what speech will require. One of the main reasons I wanted to take intro to public speaking over the summer was so that it would be the only class I have to focus on, and then of course it is only offered the same session as a much harder class. I did some reading for astronomy yesterday just to get a head start, and let's just say it went right over my head. It will be quite shocking to me if I manage to get an A in that class, which I'd like to do to preserve the new gpa level I accomplished last semester. My brain thinks more and more lately about the future. I know we aren't supposed to worry, but you are either crazy or lying if you say you don't. I think it's natural to have anxiety. I am now a girl with a permit, but as of yet haven't gotten up the courage to try driving with my dad. I kind of just want to wait until my friend can be here in July. But that only gives me a month to get comfortable driving before my birthday, and I don't know if someone as nervous as me can be ready that quickly. Hopefully driving everyday I can get there. Then there is my future job. Unfortunately I can't do much of anything with only a bachelors degree in psychology. My dream is to someday be a counselor, but that of course requires surviving grad school. Which I'm definately not willing to get into straight out of undergrad. I just need a break from being a student. But most likely my first job will be as a PSR worker. And that isn't exactly a dream job. With as little patience as I have with my mentally disabled sister, I never imagined I'd have any future working with them. And then...for extra credits at my high school in Fresno, I decided I would peer tutor in a functional skills classroom. That of course led to me working as an aid again at Kuna high, working in the special needs classes. Then this year, I needed a place to do field experience, and no one would respond and I had little help finding a place. So I decided to apply at the center my sister goes to (well childrens branch of the same company) and ended up doing my field experience with children with mental and physical disabilities at Gem State Developmental Center. So in all honesty, I will probably look pretty good on paper for working somewhere as a PSR worker. Pay is ok for a first job, and most companies are willing to train. I just don't know if it will be a job I enjoy or dread. Working with special needs children takes an abundant amount of patience, and I'm just not sure I have it.